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From the article: New research published in Behavioral Sciences investigates the role emotional regulation strategies may play in preventing post-traumatic stress disorder after pet loss. The findings indicate that those who engage in adaptive strategies tend to have increased attachment to their pet and decreased pain after their passing.

Pets have been a component of the human experience for thousands of years. However, we have only recently begun studying these unique relationships’ physiological and psychological consequences. According to the research team, 67% of Americans own pets, while the pet industry in China has increased by 2000% in the last ten years.

More like pet loss helps to cultivate a sense of perspective around loss in general. Good warm up for your human loved ones ig…

See, I don’t have a pet or form emotional attachments with animals. Just never clicked for me.

People? Oh yeah, that clicks.

But animals? Not even a little.

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That's interesting. Why not, you think? I like animals more than humans, which is the other end of the spectrum. Do animals gross you out? Did you ever have a pet? I'm genuinely curious and not taking the piss.

I disagree with your point of view. For a lot of people a pet is a stronger emotional bond than "human loved ones".

I didn’t grow up with pets. So there is that. Of course, my siblings all have dogs these days.

They just don’t register as important in my mind. I can appreciate floofiness, playing fetch, etc. But that is where it stops. I can’t tolerate cruelty to animals, btw, that’s isn’t right. I think maybe I should put that out there.

As I have gotten older and worked in impoverished parts of the world I have come to find the enormous expense lavished on pets to be immoral. I mean, I have seen kids who had limbs chopped off just to maim them. I have seen people starving to death. I have lived with people for whom a simple finger cut is cause for worry. Where a fever brings out incredible worry and stress for parents. I have difficulty justifying spending resources on pets - non working animals - when there is so much hurt in the world.

I have a son who I love more than life itself. When he has a slight fever, I don’t worry. Just keep an eye on it. When he gets a cut or scratch we get the neosporin, a bandaid and share some hugs. I’m not anxious that he is going to get tetanus. But there are millions of people out there who don’t have that luxury.

I can’t read a book written by an animal that illuminates some facet of the universe. I can’t engage with an animal over some work challenge. I can’t have a conversation, hold hands with one who has a deep connection with me. They can’t tell a joke that help allay some fear, pain, poke fun the absurdities of life. There just isn’t anything deep there.

I enjoy engaging with people, learning, chatting, being silly. Helping them know that they matter even if we just met, even for a moment. Because I think that they do. I just don’t get that with animals. At all.

So, all in all it is a combination of that “switch” never flipped on along with witnessing the wealth we lavish on pets while ignoring tremendous need everywhere around us. It just rubs me the wrong way. And consequently, experiencing loss - especially a deep emotional trauma - over a pet dying simply doesn’t register with me.

I can understand that it does for other people. I can sympathize with them. But that’s it.

So there you go. Does that help explain it?

True. I have a pretty strong bond with my pets. I guess warm up was the wrong word. But does give you a chance to understand how you grieve.

Yes, this definitely clears stuff up. I understand where you're coming from, humans are more valuable in your opinion. For me, my cat was my best friend. My chickens give me peace when my anxiety is high. I love my animals so much, it's stupid. I can't imagine living without animals.

Sounds like you just don't vibe with them, and that's cool.

My sister goes through extreme mourning every time a pet dies. Like twice as bad as I am going through a break-up. I don't even want to think about entering another relationship so I never understand why she keeps getting more pets and going through this heartache every few years.

i disagree to this point of view.

a loved one is a loved one. how much you value one above another usually depends on how much you love them regardless of species.

BUT i would say its logical to assume that its easy to form a stronger connection between pets as you may live with them for many years.

i lost my dog of maybe 5-10 years? last year. time pasts fast. i never realized how deep my bond with her was until she passed. i took her for granted. every now and then when i get home i ll feel some melancholy as she normally would run to the gate and greet me.

what i can say is, it was a good wake up call. i treat my parents better. and i guess, it helps a little to prepare for the inevitable.

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Every few years? What is she doing to her pets?

She always has like five cats and two dogs of different ages, so it's a constant flow of vet bills and tragedy.

I would love to believe that, but I don't.

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Because all the pain of the loss is double maybe even triple the joy

What are adaptive strategies?

One thing with a pet is they don’t judge you. And they will always love you no matter what. I can’t say that about most people.

No details of any kind are provided about the strategies. It’s like a half-written article.

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There are a great number of people that do not believe in life after death.

The thought of never seeing my pet again after it passes makes my time with it that much more valuable

I disagree.

I’ve had my dog for over a decade. He is my partner, my side kick. He knows me, acts just like me. I’m convinced we are two parts of the same soul.

However. I know from experience that when he finally does go, it will not hit me NEARLY as hard as it did when my mother died. That destroyed me.

When my best boy does go. I’ll definitely call out of work. I’ll cry, probably scream and yell. But again, it will not compare to a human loved one.

Granted this is personal experience here. But in no way, shape, or form would it be worse than what I’ve already experienced, and I’m one of those “I prefer dogs to people” kinda people.

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When my grandfather died I was sad for a long time but he had lived a full and long life and had a massive community remember him at his funeral.

When my dog died I was devastated for months. He was just eight years old and had been sick for a year and a half and I had tried so hard to take care of him and in the end he died because the vet that my family took him to overdosed him on a medicine that, even months after he took it, gradually ruined his liver.

So I was not just sad about my dog but I was wracked with a horrible sense of guilt for trusting the wrong vets and not being smart enough to know better. I kept replaying scenarios where I managed to cure him early or sidestep a mistake over and over and over, even though it was a shared responsibility among my family (I didn't even see the particular vet that prescribed that medicine that killed him, I always took him to other ones) I kept seeing it as a solo mission that I failed.

So I think the thing about death is that the circumstances really make a big difference how you react to them. Not all passing will make you feel such an awful sense of guilt.

Perspective is everything and everyone deals with grief differently, for sure.

I had the opposite experience. My Mum passed away (suddenly/unexpected) and my Cat (who I adopted when I moved out of home and had with me the entire, almost 12 years of his life) less than two years after that.

My Cat passing away hit me *way* harder. I was pretty close with my Mum and we had a very healthy relationship. That being said, she also prepared me for her eventual passing and always tried to get us kids to look for the good in every change.

The fact my Mum lived her life best she could and did the right thing by my Dad and her three kids, including doing a lot of travelling when we moved out, helped me deal with her passing in a big way.

But when *I* had to make the decision to put my best Mate to sleep and say goodbye to him... Part of me died with him and it still hurts the same now, so I try not to think about it too much tbh.

In general, adaptive emotional regulation strategies are things like mindfulness (meditation, journaling, body scans to assess physical symptoms of your mental state) and CBT practices like recognizing cognitive distortions (which is a whole thing, hard to summarize) and actively working to shift your perspective/reaction to things, especially to difficult and negative thoughts.

The article seems to be trying to say that mindfully processing the loss of a pet reduces the negative emotions and thoughts that come with the loss. Which…yup. Sure does.

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So care more ? Or less?

Is "post-traumatic growth" a commonly used term? I honestly read that as the growth of post-traumatic symptoms, not personal growth after experiencing a trauma.

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Good stuff. I wanna add a lot of it comes down (at least personally) to being aware of self-criticism. it has no value. Mindfully practicing self-compassion when I felt myself becoming self critical was huge for lifting my negative bias of the world

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I think another huge difference is that most human death isn’t preventable. It either happens suddenly, or medical care just can’t fix it.

With pets it’s rare to actually explore all the treatment options, because who can afford to spend thousands of dollars on a coin flip treatment that will at best add a couple years? And would that even be in the pet’s best interest?

With humans those generally aren’t things you have to worry about. With your pet, you have to make those decisions for them.

Exactly. In my case, my Cat had either a) A Genetic Bone Disease or b) Bone Cancer.

Even if he was Human, that doesn't give you many treatment options. Being a Cat, it isn't even an option.

If he were an 80+ yr/old relative, you could just say "Hey, the chemo isn't worth the suffering, but you've had a good run and we'll make the rest of your time is comfortable". But as an almost 12 yr/old Cat, it was "We have to put him to sleep now, he won't eat and isn't doing well" on the spot, no real time to think or get second opinions or treatment options.

I had a very similar case with our rabbit Simba. He was so young and the circumstances around his death were probably avoidable. It gave me a much more intense and painful sense of loss than when I lost elderly human relatives.

I hope you’re able to find peace with this, I find it helps to remember them and honour them with how you live your life and care for other animals.

My loss experiences were in reverse, I lost my mother before my pets. But the loss of my pets hit me much harder because they had been a positive part on my life.

I imagine that quite a few people struggle after the loss of a pet specifically because they think - and maybe are also being told - that they shouldn't feel as bad as they do because "it was only an animal". The first step in avoiding lasting psychological damage is accepting that the pet was just as important to one's life as people are, and that that is okay.

Some people may not have much competition between lousy family and an affectionate pet.

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"Cultivating a sense of perspective about pet loss?" Here is what you need to know. Your pet if it is a cat or dog will die before you. You know that when you bring them home. If you are unable to clear that emotional reality you are going to be in trouble. A pet can bring you joy everyday but not a lifetime of companionship. Deepen your appreciation of the moment don't cling to it.

At some point we all face death, even before its ourselves knocking on that door, someone we know will die. Too many people are filling their heads with wishful thinking and nonsense about death. Yes, its depressing to face reality sometimes, but it is absolutely necessary for our species and the planet to start grounding ourselves to the facts we know and discard the fantasies.

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It’s almost as if every one has their own experiences and feelings and ways of dealing with things.

Reading this thread there’s a ton on your side, and there’s a ton in the other side.

For me - the dog is going to hit me much harder than anything else. However, I’m still not sure how hard.

I’m 34, about to turn 35. When I was 23 I watched a good friend drown in very tough water while camping.

A year later, a close friend died in a car accident.

Fast forward 6 years. A friend who witnessed the drowning with us suffered severe PTSD from it. He took his own life.

Each one of these hurt insanely bad; left absolute miserable thoughts and tough times to me. But.. from them all I got used to being around death. A year after the suicide, my best friends wife succumbed to cancer. And… unlike the others…. It didn’t hit me nearly as hard. It was almost as if it was just a “here’s another one” (I felt very guilty for that).

My point is- everyone has their own connections and past that will affect how they handle grief.

My dog is my favorite part of my life; I have never loved anything more. I believe it’s going to hurt me more than anything else. But I also believe that with my other experiences, while hurting more, I’ll hopefully mentally handle myself better.

But I don’t know.. and I hopefully won’t know for a while still.

I have a hard time understanding too. I lost my dog 8 months ago and it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I cannot even imagine getting another and going through it again. People continue to ask if I’m getting another one like I can just replace my dog, it’s weird, stop asking people that.

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I foster neonatal orphan kittens and I just recently had to let go of my 18 yr old senior kitty. Between the two they are both extremely difficult but nothing compares to the first time I ever lost a kitten. It was an extreme tragedy, despite my best efforts her chances of survival were basically nothing. She danced on the knifes edge between life and death, with barely a drop of blood in her body after being absolutely infested with fleas, and it was a miracle she lasted for a week after that. But still, the hope and optimism the shelter and I both felt about her fight for her life made it to this date the worst loss I have ever experienced. Particularly because she passed while I was taking a one hour nap after a brutal week with barely any sleep. It took me a very long time to accept that it wasn't my fault.

I still can't name any kittens with names that start with P. Someday I'd like to but not yet.

I was in this exact situation a couple of weeks ago.

My cat was a former stray, FIV+. When I got him his estimated age was 3. I had him for 11 years. He started losing weight, having mobility issues, eye problems and dementia. I had to weigh the cost of testing what exactly was wrong and if it was able to be treated versus his quality of life.

There was an added complication in that I myself have terminal cancer and am going through yet another round of chemo so have a lot of medical bills and physical issues with the likelihood of having to make quality of life decisions myself sometime soon.

I had him put to sleep and donated all his supplies to a local feline rescue/no kill shelter to help out other kitties.

I will not be getting another cat due to my tenuous lifespan. I don't want to get a kitty that will need to be rehomed when I pass. I spend time with family member's and friend's pets as I'm able now.

I admit I did do some second guessing of my decision to have him put to sleep, but it was the right thing to do for him.

>When considering the loss of our family pets, Park and Jeong recommend, “The act of intentionally expanding the perspective on pet loss experience, switching into a more positive focus, and accepting reality will reduce the grief of its companions and become an opportunity for growth.

I had two rescue dogs I got as puppies that I had to put down. One after 14 years, another after 15 years. I did love them. One them was extremally difficult to care for because of separation anxiety and noise aversion. the other had seizures. I gave my blood, sweat and tears to keep them and care for them.

Putting them down was one of my proudest moments, as an adult.

I say that because putting them down were hard decisions. My wife and I could have kept them going, but it was time. quality of life was at stake. I feel so good that I did good by them, wasn't selfish, and just made the right decision. So, when I think about them, its always a great feeling and almost zero grief. I do miss them, but in a good way.

be positive, and don't sulk about what you are going through.

Can you correct an assumption I have if I am wrong.

Int self criticism how we improve as people? Reflect, criticise, change.

The criticism isn't necessarily negative, and not useless in that context. But maybe there is something more specific I am missing or am just generally out of touch?

Too right. I'd have danced on my mother's grave except it was pretty deep and not filled in - and my siblings and cousins would have gladly buried me with her if I'd done them the favour of humping down onto her overpriced corpse-container. They were trying to work out how to do me out of my share of the inheritance before she was pronounced dead.

But my heart still hurts when I remember my big strong half-wild Tomcat, shark teeth and razor claws, so fast and sharp you didn't know he'd slashed you until the blood stated dripping.

He grew to trust me, and when he was on his back, slashing in chaotic anger, I could ignore his claws, talk gently to him and kiss his nose, and he'd hug me, paws around my neck. He lived a reasonable number of cat years, but not in my eyes. He was still fast and playful as a kitten until his last year, when a strange disease ate away his face and his paws.

He lay beside my computer for a year, on a cushioned bench we fixed up for him, so he was always being cuddled or stroked, and was carried everywhere he wanted/needed to go. One night he started running in his sleep and I stroked him until he quieted, and next time I stroked him he was cold, and gone.

Pets love us and give us all they have. They deserve our grief.

Here is the paragraph on how to: “For example, if one accepts their pet will eventually die and is able to develop a sense of perspective, the stronger the bond with the pet, and the better the opportunity for growth after their death.”

You mean "Stop crying and get over it, it was only a dog. It's not like a person died.", isn't the right frame of reference?

When I was a child, "pets" were something you owned. NOW, they're more like a (lesser but true) "member of the family".

Something tells me when men were hunting buffalo and sabretooth tigers were hunting men . . . pets were "members of the family" then too, and we've come full circle.

As it should be.

You can give yourself those same self critical messages in a self compassionate way.

I have achieved my goals in life and always thought it was because I was being maniacally self critical. Almost to the point of self loathing. It will get you there, but you will not be happy longterm.

I underestimated how important it is to keep the positive and uplifting internal tone when delivering these messages to yourself. Recognize the changes you need to make; but know when to give yourself a break too.

I think that maybe believing in an after life could possibly keep someone from actually truly learning to deal with the finality of death. I’m not a psychologist but seems plausible. If anyone knows any studies please share

I’m so sorry about your cat. We’ve lost two in the past couple years and will probably lose another within the next year. It’s so sad that they don’t live longer. Our sweet cat is 18 and that’s still not enough time.

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These furry beings have unique personalities and hearts full of love. They become part of our families. It would be wrong to not miss them and mourn their passing.

Agreed.

I can’t even think about my dog that passed or talk about her without getting emotional. Like, really emotional. I used to wake up every night at like 2 and it was always just a matter of time before the dark quiet night ushered in thoughts of her that felt inescapable. I couldn’t even be in my apartment after I had to put her down so I moved.

My dad passed suddenly when I was 19 and this was not that. This was far, far worse.

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I'm at the very, very early stages of trying to work through this with a therapist. I spent this weekend trying to catch myself when I was being overly self-critical. When I did catch myself, I tried to practice self-compassion and I noticed that I'm having a lot of troubling believing myself/believing the uplifting and compassionate inner tone/inner dialogue. I felt like I was just trying to trick myself. Did you go through this too and if so, any tips to actually believing your compassionate inner voice?

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My therapist told me to kinda treat my mind like it’s someone who I’m friends with coming to me asking for help on anxiety. And try to focus on perspective - so many people have it much worse than you. You’ve got a roof over your head. You’ve got more than enough time to fix how you feel. Take a deep breath. Things are going to be ok.

As someone who's imminently about to loose my pet dog, can someone please explain in layman's terms what I'm supposed to do to "cultivate a sense of perspective"?

Is mental disengagement considered an adaptive or maladaptive strategy? Can’t tell from the article.

This is helpful - thank you for sharing!

For me, it was about learning to focus on all the happy memories I had with my cat, and not the stress and the fear and despair I felt at the end of his life. I choose to remember how he would wait at the door for me when I got home, or slept with me every night with his little paw in my hand (if I rolled over, he would climb over my head to the side I was facing so he could put his paw in my hand). Even how well he did taking his inhaler and how much life it gave him that he started playing again at 16. My funny pictures of him in a little sweater, or a bow tie. How he fussed until we gave him a chair of his own in the computer room so he could sit next to me, or lay on my desk as I was on the computer. How he seemed to know when I was sad and came to cuddle with me. How he was obsessed with boxes, so we had several around the house for him to sit in. Or even how he hid the remote for our sound bar and we didn’t find it until after he passed away, he never chewed on the buttons or anything, just put it in one of his boxes.

I choose to remember those good and happy times, and that I gave him the best care I could for the time I had him.

I have always liked animals better than people, and get tremendously attached in fairly short order to an animal. For me, I think part of it is because I have determined that I will never have children, but a pet still gives me a little soul to love, a little life that depends on me to give my own life some structure and responsibility. A little creature who will love me with the unconditional love of a child, but for their whole lives. They listen when I talk to them, don’t talk back or yell, have ulterior motives or hidden agendas, they don’t lie to me or take advantage of me. I don’t have to worry about them judging me, so I am free to be my authentic self.

And it’s nice to have a little fluffy animal to cuddle when I’m sad.

Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your experience, I'm sorry your loss