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[deleted] t1_iwva0s8 wrote



philmatu t1_iwvi04s wrote

I tend to be avoidant also, but that's because I learned from young childhood that I can't depend on others consistently so I went to great lengths to be independent. When I meet new people, I default to expecting them to be flaky, inconsistent, and undependable, but I also will elevate certain people over time when they prove they're not all of this (thanks to lots of therapy). I think I do this because I'm so afraid of being let down by others that I protect myself from being hurt. It doesn't mean that I won't go out of my way to help others selflessly though, I do this quite often, and that's how I tend to get hurt, because only a few people I do this with ever show an appreciation for what I do, and as a result, I've had to learn boundaries the hard way. It's a give and take as with many things in life.


deadkennyd t1_iwwirzn wrote

Same. A lot of what I’ve read about avoidant attachement focuses on the role of parental figures but I honestly trace it more to my early social life. I grew up idolizing my best friend, who always had a way of getting people together wether it was planned in advance or a spur of the moment hangout. When I tried to mimic him and invite people to do something I thought would be fun, i wound up going alone. eventually I stopped bothering to invite people because disappointment would ruin the thing I’d been looking forward to.

I’ve moved on and met new friends who are reliable, but i still get nervous about asking someone for help and spend most of my time on my own.


CadaverMutilatr t1_iwxytvb wrote

“Idolizing best friend… stop bothering to invite people because disappointment”

I had the same experience


Rinas-the-name t1_iwwqoks wrote

When they were still a thing I would only write in pencil in my address book, because I expected addresses and phone numbers to change constantly. I moved 9 times within the same small city growing up. My bio dad was dodging child support so he changed information faster than I outgrew clothes. My mom would change our phone number while I was at school because she was mad at a boyfriend. So I felt like it was on me to keep track of people and let them know how to reach us, she never did wonder how people always got our new number.

I basically parented my younger sister, and then when I graduated I had to move out and our mom moved states with her. There are very few people I trust because of that and many other situations.

I hope you get a solid group of people you can trust and learn to manage your boundaries in a healthy way.


RubyRaven907 t1_iww9t8k wrote

I completely understand! Upon reading this post…it seems the premise here is that feeling appreciated can help folks shift from Avoiding to Prosocial behaviors; which are considered more favorable in nurturing relationships. I guess I really do, do things to just appease rather than benefit some relationships where I have experienced less than consistent returns.


Euda-monia t1_iwxo0q4 wrote

>I’ll assume good intent but once I’ve learned you’re inconsistent? I’ll go flat w you.

That's not avoidant attachment. An avoidant inherently believes noone will meet their needs, that others can't be relied upon or trusted and so is highly self-contained. They neither give prosocial behaviour nor expect it.

What you're describing is just normal behaviour (although you are a score keeper).


yonicwave t1_iwvi2om wrote

if you’re curious to learn more about attachment styles and how people with different attachment styles interact, i highly recommend the book “attached.” it really changed the way i look at the world and gave me a chance to reflect on aspects of my past relationships, what triggers certain feelings and why, and think about how to avoid certain patterns for future ones.


abas t1_iwwk9e5 wrote

Attached is a good read, but particularly since this is a thread relating to avoidant attachment styles, I'll mention that book is considered to be a bit harsh towards avoidant attachment styles particularly. I've found the /r/AvoidantAttachment subreddit to be a nice community for avoidants to support each other, and it has a list of resources on the side bar that can be helpful for learning more about those attachment types.


ginga_bread42 t1_iwxeksg wrote

I've found a lot of materials relating to insecure attachment styles are more harsh on avoidant attachment for some reason. It's very odd considering they're meant to educate or help and it's portraying other styles as less of a problem that doesn't hurt others around them.


AaronRodgersToe t1_iwvh4f8 wrote

Attachment theory is from the 50s.

Edit: I’m not saying it’s dated. I was simply letting them know it’s not new info. Chill guys


RubyRaven907 t1_iwvsurl wrote

That it’s dated make it any less relevant? I’m sincere in asking this.


BrainlessPhD t1_iwwaht4 wrote

No, it's one of the few social psychology theories that has really withstood the test of time and many, many replications. There are some relevant criticisms that it takes a fairly Western perspective (See a recent PNAS paper arguing that its conceptualization of child socioemotional development is not universal across cultures), but the theory has roots in Mary Ainsworth's work studying family dynamics in Uganda, so it's not completely based only on Western research.


RubyRaven907 t1_iwwbwe7 wrote

I’m so glad you guys didn’t burn down Attachment Theory because my own parenting philosophy relied heavily on it! Thanks @aaronrogerstoe too!


RubyRaven907 t1_iww6i9x wrote

No, no…I’m chill…I just wanted to know if it was still considered, you know…valid?


AaronRodgersToe t1_iww8amh wrote

Yes very much so! And your attachment style comes from childhood and it determines, to an extent, how you are in your adult relationships as well as how you cope with grief.


abas t1_iwwkvm1 wrote

I mentioned this in a nested comment as well, but I have found the /r/AvoidantAttachment subreddit to be a supportive community for people with avoidant attachment. It also has a list of resources on the sidebar for learning more about that attachment style and for learning to work with it better/more healthily. I've been working on attachment issues in therapy the last couple of years and have found it really helpful, it has made a big difference in my life.


RubyRaven907 t1_iwwxisy wrote

Oh wow, there really IS a sub for everyone! Thanks for the lead!


JimmminyCricket t1_iwvftq9 wrote

Not picking on you.

But that’s hilarious. You seemingly expect someone to be perfect and meet your needs but you couldn’t care less about theirs, by your own words.


Cameroni101 t1_iwvhhbp wrote

It's pretty incredible how you start with a disclaimer about not picking on them, then proceed to do just that.Going into a complete misrepresentation of what they said, including characterizing them as completely selfish. They didn't say they expect perfection, just that they've learned to avoid unnecessary sacrifices for people that are unlikely to do the same. You've taken a fairly mild statement and stripped the nuance away. People are more than just binary switches that can be flipped on and off.


HuckleberrySin1950 t1_iwviwr2 wrote

Not once did she say she expected them to be pefect? If people are constantly letting you down in the same manner over and over(and you have communicated that), you are going to expect less from them. It's completely reasonable for her to not put in effort when there is none returned.

Relationships are a 2 way street.


JimmminyCricket t1_iwvja2q wrote

Except this assumes that this person is not letting down the other individual as well.

They didn’t say they expect them to be “perfect” but saying “once I’ve learned you’re inconsistent? I’ll go flat with you.” Nobody is completely consistent. Including OP.

My stance comes from the perspective it’s a two way street. I don’t just take someone’s word that the other person is the only one to blame in a relationship. That’s all.

If you do, then so be it. Good luck in your life with that bad will.


HuckleberrySin1950 t1_iwvkjn0 wrote

Someone already replied to you and summed up what was about to be my own response. Good luck to you with that bad will of yours :>


JimmminyCricket t1_iwvkrvh wrote

I’m not the one that stops caring about people (ie. “Going flat”) because they don’t always give me what I want/need in the relationship.

Sincerely good luck.


hey_dougz0r t1_iwvllq6 wrote

>Sincerely good luck

You have lost all credibility here.


JimmminyCricket t1_iwvlyd9 wrote

I’m sorry you have no way of knowing if I’m genuine or not. I can only tell you that I am being sincere.


hey_dougz0r t1_iwvnmfz wrote

By your own commentary I very much have a "way of knowing" that you are quick to judge others and rather unwilling to apologize for such behavior.

So no, by the evidence you yourself have offered here no one has a reason to believe you are offering actual goodwill.


AaronRodgersToe t1_iwvrmnu wrote

Good rule of thumb is to not accuse others of judging while also judging.


hey_dougz0r t1_iwvv50i wrote

Yes, I am judging someone who themselves behaved in a very judgmental fashion.

For the record, what bothered me enough to actively comment was the offering of "goodwill" and "sincerity" immediately after plainly exhibiting the exact opposite. Such behavior is a very close cousin to gaslighting. It's bad enough that it's everywhere in our culture but when exhibited in the context of anything related to the study of psychology or therapy I find it especially infuriating. It's a behavior pattern VERY often exhibited by abusive personality types.

Perhaps I am being too harsh, but if there is discomfort on u/JimmminyCricket 's part for being subject to a dose of his or her own medicine then so be it.


JimmminyCricket t1_iwvvjpr wrote

I don’t have any discomfort. I know who I am and what my intentions were.

Not everyone is trying to gaslight you all the time.


hey_dougz0r t1_iwxj9e0 wrote

>I don’t have any discomfort.

You should. The other redditor deserves an apology from you if we're being completely honest.


Iced____0ut t1_iww5lgr wrote

You should see a therapist


hey_dougz0r t1_iwxjeyr wrote

Are you saying that because you actually care or because you're passive-aggressively trying to get under my skin? Be honest.


Iced____0ut t1_iwxjo2y wrote

It would be for the betterment of society.


hey_dougz0r t1_iwxk40n wrote

A quick glance at your recent post history and I can tell you don't care about much except trolling. If I need therapy then you most definitely do!


Iced____0ut t1_iwxlr6u wrote

Nah, I’m a bit abrasive, I’ve been to therapy plenty. Your self righteousness is part of why you need therapy.


hey_dougz0r t1_iwxvxpt wrote

Good lord. Your entire comment is unabashed projection. "Abrasive" is a kind word to describe your post history.


Iced____0ut t1_iwyvzu5 wrote

Ahh yes, it would be so much better to be like you, a condescending prick with an over inflated ego.


hey_dougz0r t1_iwzlctw wrote

You made the choice to comment to me, just the same as I chose to initially comment to u/JimmminyCricket and to reply to you now. You could have passed on by but instead you decided to lower yourself into the gutter you believe me to be in by telling me I need therapy - not for my own well-being, mind you - "for the betterment of society." (And you have the audacity to suggest I am being self-righteous?)

Your comments to me have actually been worse than the other redditor to whom I initially responded. You've weaponized the appearance of concern for my mental health in order to give vent to more of your own anger. What's more, the balance of your reddit presence calls into question whether you actually care about the betterment of society. You certainly spend far more time hurling anger than trying to be constructive in your interactions with other redditors.

If you've actually attended therapy I applaud you for it. I am not going to criticize you for that in any way. Even so, your comments to me do not appear in any way to come from a good place.


RubyRaven907 t1_iwvucuq wrote

No, I said I START w equal and good intent but once a person proves themselves to be untrustworthy, unreliable, flaky, or generally unappreciating of what I bring to the relationship I tend to become neutral and flat toward that person. I’m caring, warm and nurturing in my relationships otherwise. I was always a stoic and independent child and that’s because I was surrounded by unreliable, unreliable and often volatile adults.