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philmatu t1_iwvi04s wrote

I tend to be avoidant also, but that's because I learned from young childhood that I can't depend on others consistently so I went to great lengths to be independent. When I meet new people, I default to expecting them to be flaky, inconsistent, and undependable, but I also will elevate certain people over time when they prove they're not all of this (thanks to lots of therapy). I think I do this because I'm so afraid of being let down by others that I protect myself from being hurt. It doesn't mean that I won't go out of my way to help others selflessly though, I do this quite often, and that's how I tend to get hurt, because only a few people I do this with ever show an appreciation for what I do, and as a result, I've had to learn boundaries the hard way. It's a give and take as with many things in life.


deadkennyd t1_iwwirzn wrote

Same. A lot of what I’ve read about avoidant attachement focuses on the role of parental figures but I honestly trace it more to my early social life. I grew up idolizing my best friend, who always had a way of getting people together wether it was planned in advance or a spur of the moment hangout. When I tried to mimic him and invite people to do something I thought would be fun, i wound up going alone. eventually I stopped bothering to invite people because disappointment would ruin the thing I’d been looking forward to.

I’ve moved on and met new friends who are reliable, but i still get nervous about asking someone for help and spend most of my time on my own.


CadaverMutilatr t1_iwxytvb wrote

“Idolizing best friend… stop bothering to invite people because disappointment”

I had the same experience


Rinas-the-name t1_iwwqoks wrote

When they were still a thing I would only write in pencil in my address book, because I expected addresses and phone numbers to change constantly. I moved 9 times within the same small city growing up. My bio dad was dodging child support so he changed information faster than I outgrew clothes. My mom would change our phone number while I was at school because she was mad at a boyfriend. So I felt like it was on me to keep track of people and let them know how to reach us, she never did wonder how people always got our new number.

I basically parented my younger sister, and then when I graduated I had to move out and our mom moved states with her. There are very few people I trust because of that and many other situations.

I hope you get a solid group of people you can trust and learn to manage your boundaries in a healthy way.


RubyRaven907 t1_iww9t8k wrote

I completely understand! Upon reading this post…it seems the premise here is that feeling appreciated can help folks shift from Avoiding to Prosocial behaviors; which are considered more favorable in nurturing relationships. I guess I really do, do things to just appease rather than benefit some relationships where I have experienced less than consistent returns.