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Mds_02 t1_iwvu96k wrote

Reply to comment by chrisdh79 in Psychologists demonstrate why feeling appreciated is particularly important for avoidantly attached individuals by chrisdh79

tl;dr being treated poorly in childhood has negative impacts, being treated better in adulthood helps.

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pseudocultist t1_iwwbhu9 wrote

Aye but many of us in anxious/avoidant relationships can never seem to figure out the correct thing to do. We are wired to respond inappropriately and so basic stuff like “make your partner feel appreciated” needs to be repeated.

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myadhdcaccount t1_iwwqsvw wrote

I feel broken.

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delvach t1_iwxfrk6 wrote

I find it oddly reassuring when I read things that describe me this well. It helps in deconstructing my own behaviors better, and putting names to concepts that I felt alone in dealing with.

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HerezahTip t1_iwxq9vj wrote

Then therapy would blow your mind my friend.

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Zephyr-2210 t1_iwyl12l wrote

I've tried therapy a couple of times, didn't feel like they helped. What do you you in therapy for it to help enough to 'blow your mind'! I'd honestly love to know

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t92k t1_iwz2g3p wrote

If you identify with the “avoidently attached” part of this article then you should be aware you are going to bring that to therapy too. For me, my therapist was the first person in my life who was always where she said she was going to be when she said she’d be there. That allowed me to become attached — within the boundaries of a professional counseling relationship. From there we worked on disproving the belief that my parents (school, medical professionals) were bad to me because they all knew I was broken and I deserved it. That was a process of telling stories that seemed to support the belief and then looking at those same events from other perspectives so I can stop blaming myself. Eventually I was able to believe I’m a person who deserves attachment. I still have patterns where I proactively detach from relationships, or see rejection in absent-mindedness, but I have a lot more tools and a lot less anger than I used to.

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Zephyr-2210 t1_ix2s7oo wrote

I mostly identify with anxious attached but all the hurt I've experienced also might be making me very untrusting and avoidant too, unsure if that defines me as also avoidant or not. I've got no issue with my current therapist themselves, other than I don't really know what else to talk about because I don't really feel like much has been resolved.

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t92k t1_ix62kfn wrote

It might be worth bringing that up. I was in "cognitive behavioral therapy" so we had the goal of changing my beliefs about my place in the world. You may be in a different kind.

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SpasmociallySunny t1_iwymy75 wrote

I’m not who you were replying to, but I hope this adds some positivity to counselling for you. What blew my mind when I dragged my feet to my 4th psychologist in less than 4 years was how much she worked on helping me to trust her through being consistent, kind and truly non judgemental. Like I really felt the lack of judgemnt. If you’ve been through a few therapists like I have (& u obv have), then you’ll understand how much this meant.

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SoundProofHead t1_iwyp2y7 wrote

There are definitely two sides to therapy. The one that deals with the client's specific personal issues, and then the therapist/client relationship that's being built during the sessions. That's why finding a good therapist isn't enough, you have to find a good therapist that you feel good with. It helps you relearn what a healthy and safe human relationship is like, regardless of what problematic you are there to talk about.

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SpasmociallySunny t1_iwypoae wrote

Very much so. It can be very demoralising when you go through numerous counsellors trying to find that ‘right fit’. I understand why people give up and I’m really glad I didn’t .

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_Wyrm_ t1_ix1a7mw wrote

Not who you replied to, but therapy simply wasn't for me.

I often walk myself through how I feel about certain things, and I try to dig deeper than the surface to figure out why. It used to be a purely negative and self-deprecating behavior that spawned out of my penchant for being overly-analytical... But I've put effort into turning into a beneficial thing.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is accepting that the parts of you that you don't like are still... You. Understanding yourself and giving recognition to all the bits and pieces that make up who you are was my first step to being a better person. It's made a lot of personal change over the years.

Therapy isn't for everyone, but it does help a lot of people. It's possible that you've only had therapists who aren't really compatible with you. I know it's easy to be discouraged, but you should consider mulling over which it might be -- that is to say, you or your previous therapists.

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lamelyUnlash t1_iwzemri wrote

As someone previously comment, it wasn't until my fourth of fifth therapist that I started to feel a change. A lot of them didn't connect with me and neither I with them or I was simply seeking counseling because that's what everyone told me it worked, but when I found one who saw right through me and motivated me in all the right ways to work for the change I needed.

Also, not all of the sessions have to go towards working on something. There are times in which what we want or need isn't a plan, more so just being heard; talk with your therapist about the things that you'd like to do during the sessions and they'll understand.

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ForProfitSurgeon t1_iwyanpp wrote

I appreciate your honesty in sharing with us. I want you to feel good about that.

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Xennon54 t1_iwymfme wrote

Thing is, at least with me, i know what my problems are and what they were caused by and how to fix them, but the solutions to said problems are not viable, they just arent going to happen, so im fully aware im broken, and i know how i can be fixed, i just dont have the tools nor skills for that fix

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abas t1_iwxa8uw wrote

It is easy to feel broken around these kind of things, and I think for a lot of us with insecure attachment styles there are core beliefs that align with that thought (for instance, without being aware of it for a long time, I have a core would about being unlovable). Some good news is that it's possible to work on and start healing, and there are a lot of resources available to help that didn't used to exist - some good youtube channels, subreddits, therapy, etc. I've been working on my attachment style for the last couple of years and I've still got plenty of distance to go but I have noticed big positive changes in my life from the work I have been doing.

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timeywimeytotoro t1_iwy9ra8 wrote

You put this well and this comment feels pretty validating, as someone on the anxious side of an anxious/avoidant relationship.

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dig_the_flaws t1_iwysx69 wrote

"Unwiring" these behaviours takes time, patience, practice and perseverance... but it's possible. Repetition and practice makes your brain create new paths, so eventually it won't seem so strange.

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JustDoc t1_iwzn3t1 wrote

>...so basic stuff like “make your partner feel appreciated” needs to be repeated.

And what that looks like needs to be stated outright, because it varies from person to person.

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Lessmeatfortheplanet t1_ix1cpue wrote

This article and your comment just completely described both myself and then my husband. Sometimes Reddit is not a waste of time. Your perspective really softened my view of how my husband has responded to me. We both had troubling childhoods.

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thruster_fuel69 t1_iwvx7g8 wrote

Its why we must all be the best humans, even when it's unfair. Especially when it's unfair.

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delvach t1_iwxfzgl wrote

I had one partner tell me that I suffer because I'm a genuine person living in a world that isn't. That one sliced deep enough to hit bone.

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thruster_fuel69 t1_iwxgmrw wrote

Can relate. Just know it's only a negative trait when you're around the wrong people.

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myalt08831 t1_iwxu8pm wrote

Minus the times when the other person is being malicious, and assuming it is beyond the frame of the circumstances to properly be able to correct them.

(Some of this can still be done to be charitable, but I always say it's no good to squeeze out all your water for someone who is dried out and you become dried out instead. You dole out what you can afford to, and put limits at some point before it's too much. And frankly just looking out for yourself is valid plenty of the time, so long as you yourself are not actively malicious or be that way when it's not forced.)

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thruster_fuel69 t1_iwxud8o wrote

Then it's best to go to war, or retreat. Whichever causes the least harm.

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