coyote-1 t1_iwxc3gz wrote
Reply to comment by gegc in Psychologists demonstrate why feeling appreciated is particularly important for avoidantly attached individuals by chrisdh79
On your third paragraph: being avoidant myself, yes we are able to receive appreciation…. as long as it’s not coming from a person who has already demonstrated that their ‘appreciation’ cannot be trusted.
EFIW1560 t1_iwzd3pz wrote
Honest question: how many chances does a person have to mistakenly or absentmindedly be less than reliable? Is it a one and done situation? Does that apply to more casual relationships or also to a partner (deeper relationships)?
Do you distinguish between accidental unreliability (perhaps running late to a meetup due to traffic or something) and purposeful reliability? If so, how do you tell the difference between the two?
I guess my point is do we account for the fact that people are not perfect and do make mistakes, or do we attempt to hold everyone around us to our own rigorous standards that we have developed to protect ourselves? I dont think thats fair to others, especially when they may not have been forced to develop this learned distrust. I think it also sets us up for disappointment when others, naturally, are unable or unwilling to meet our standards, thereby reinforcing our distrust.
coyote-1 t1_iwzjdy4 wrote
With strangers, it’s one and done. There are too many people out in the world to get hung up on one stranger. I won’t be rude, but I won’t go out of my way to interact with them again.
If it’s someone I know, I let patterns dictate. If someone is routinely reliable and something happens, well then something happens! That is a reality, and I gladly let it slide without “keeping score”.
But if it becomes an obvious pattern, then BUMP.
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