ginga_bread42 t1_iwxfncu wrote
Reply to comment by coyote-1 in Psychologists demonstrate why feeling appreciated is particularly important for avoidantly attached individuals by chrisdh79
For me, I think part of the appreciation is even just recognizing that I put effort into something. It doesn't necessarily need to be a compliment. I really hate needing to remind a partner about things I've done for "us" in a relationship when they claim to be doing all the work. I dont want to have to keep score of who has done what to begin with and when they claim to be doing all the work, that's when I'm pushed away since clearly this means they haven't seen or appreciate things I've done.
ballman17 t1_iwxi5rr wrote
"I dont want to have to keep score"
This hit me hard. My SO grew up where her family always kept score. There was never something done purely out of love or because they wanted to do something for the other person. It was always because one person "owed" something to the other.
This translates into our relationship where if she does something for the family or myself, now i owe her something. The only way to make her happy is to always be "even" or not owe anything.
Fast forward 10 years in the relationship and now its to the point that nothing I do is valued enough to ever get me out of her preverbal debt.
coyote-1 t1_iwyul9o wrote
A few years ago we remodeled our kitchen. The sink in particular is beautiful. For months after that, my wife thought the sink was cleaning itself because that’s how good it appeared…. it didn’t occur to her that I was cleaning it daily, as I had always done with the old sink.
So now the running joke, whenever something has been done around the house and only later did she get around to noticing/commenting, is “the self-cleaning sink did that”. I went away for five days on business last week, and when I returned she listed out all the stuff my absence had grudgingly forced her to do.
autistictck t1_iwy2r05 wrote
I like to show the impact when showing appreciation so I’ll say something like: “I felt so loved when you did X. I know it was really effortful/time-consuming so thank you.” That way I’m highlighting how it makes me feel as well as acknowledging what he put into making it happen. Other times I will focus on character traits to let him know I also appreciate him and not just things he does. Compliments are nice but ultimately they’re just evaluations and not as intimate.
coyote-1 t1_iwxgvti wrote
This is the thing: I rarely mention the stuff I do. I hope it’s noticed. It rarely is. And then in those rare moments when I do say “look what I’ve done”, it is immediately countered with “but I do things for us too”.
ginga_bread42 t1_iwxhomh wrote
When I say "I" in my comment, I mean that I'm the one with the avoidant attachment. I also dont point stuff out unless I'm essentially forced to.
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