Now I understand why the best relationship I ever had was with someone who regularly thanked me for cooking dinner. It was genuine appreciation that showed in his eyes. I never got tired of that. He wasn’t much of a cook, but I enjoy it. We each did what we could for the other, according to our abilities, it was never a tit for tat. I still mourn his death after 24 years.

When my ndad told me for the first time that he loved me, he added, “so don’t ever say I never told you.” He made it about him. I was 60 and he was 86! We closed our phone calls with “I love you” after that, and he was very pleased the first time I said it before he did, but I never really believed him and I had to choke out the words because I didn’t love or like him, I was simply doing what I felt was my duty as the only child, to look after him in his old age, even though he was abusive. It’s been peaceful since he died, though his hurtful words and deeds continue to haunt me sometimes. Life is much better now.