I lost my grandmother who I loved dearly a few months ago and I didn’t even cry. I’ve imagined her being at my future wedding and all sorts of things and spent countless hours horsing around with her at the farm my grandparents owned and after being depressed for the last two years or so my body couldn’t conjure up a single tear for her passing. It’s not that I didn’t care about her anymore. It just feels like in it’s current state, my brain doesn’t remember how to do emotions anymore. Part of me thinks it shut those systems off as a way of self preservation when I was at my lowest but idk. I’m kinda worried that I’ll be this way from now on and I’ll never get back to my normal self but at least I’m functional now. And while I’m a lot more numb these days, I’ve gained a lot of empathy I think and am able to imagine people’s suffering moreso when I was just a dumb kid. I just wish everyone could know how depressed people felt because it’s not even really a sadness in my experience, it’s just not being able to care really.