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extropia t1_j4v0hcm wrote

My mother had terminal cancer and chose to forego chemo and spend her final year at home. While some memories of her passing still haunt me, what I remember most is spending my last months with her in our family home where I grew up, where she was serene and dignified, rather than her pain and discomfort being extended for a few more months in a ward filled with machines and strangers in a state of half awareness.

It was a honestly a beautiful gift she gave us in her death. Uncomplicated and emotionally very "real", if that makes sense.


WTFishsauce t1_j4vyy0w wrote

I’m sorry for your loss. My dad passed in a similar way. Didn’t want chemo or invasive surgery that had a low chance of working. Just wanted to die the way he wanted. He decided on a date my mom and I were with him and he drank a cup of drugs chased it with some apple juice and went to sleep. It was hard and I’ll miss him as long as I’m alive, but I’m thankful his death was without pain and Oregon gives people options.


extropia t1_j4wgd05 wrote

Thank you and you too. It's really scary to watch a loved one take their livelihood in their own hands. In our modern society it can feel very unmoored, I guess, since we are so accustomed to experts and technology taking over when things get so serious that we can't completely control our fate. And yet the bravery it takes for everyone to get through that process of doing it on the person's own terms truly brings closure in a manner that other methods often struggle to.


FiendishHawk t1_j4xefc0 wrote

I hope that when my time comes I can go peacefully like that.


HumanBarbarian t1_j4vhwrn wrote

I so wanted this for my little sister when she was dying of breast cancer at 46. She deserved to be home with her children.


joshsetafire t1_j4xqlg5 wrote

My mother is currently on home hospice, with me as her caretaker. I'm dreading the day that she passes but I've started to realize how fortunate I am to be with her through this, especially knowing how nursing home life is for residents. Any tidbits of advice for staying mostly sane?


extropia t1_j4ygxqh wrote

My 2c- Watching a loved one die really sucks no matter what, and it's stressful and very emotionally painful in a way that you just can't escape. Every day it gets closer and closer and you don't really get that "I'll feel fine in the morning" effect. That said, you really have to go easy on yourself and just accept your feelings without being guilty about them or wondering if they're appropriate in the moment.

It's also super easy to make everything about the person dying, since it kind of is, but that's a lot of pressure on them. On the other hand some people deal with stress by making everything about themselves, which is also something you have to avoid. In the end I found it best to treat it a bit like meditation- you accept emotions, situations, thoughts as they come, and you don't grasp too hard on any one thing out of fear or desperation. I found that helped put me in the moment and ultimately feel like I made the time worth it.


ChemicalRain5513 t1_j4zewe5 wrote

If a family member is going through a long death bed I sometimes feel relief when they're finally dead. The pain is sharp and intense in that moment. But the months or dread and anticipation can really wear you out.


jayb40132 t1_j4xtu1c wrote

My grandmother is on this also, while I can't be there as much as I would like due to distance and kids need to stay in school, my uncle is with her full time. Growing up he was never big into religion like my grandparents/his parents were but it seems he's found some comfort in it. The local chaplain comes by pretty regularly, gives both of them some comfort, at least we think it does. She has dementia, not sure what kind exactly but she doesn't know hardly anyone and is not "here" most of the time. Other family and friends seems to help him, that and finding a hobby you can do at home, he reads a lot and we talk about games like Monkey Island a lot too.


Kailaylia t1_j4yz824 wrote

You need time to do something meaningful that you enjoy. It's easy to forget that you're important too, and have your own needs.

After your mother dies you are going to feel empty, at a loose end, as though life is now meaningless, (by my experience, you might be different,) so you need to establish interests now that will help give you a sense of personal worth, and give you something to turn to later.

Find fulfillment in some hobby you enjoy, study something you're interested in and make opportunities to regularly socialise.


gracie-the-golden t1_j4zso54 wrote

Focus on the small things and getting through day-to-day. Put chapstick on her. Rub her feet. Watch her favorite shows while holding her hand. Cook dinner and include her by asking her to taste test it. Finding joy in the mundane allows you to focus your energy on her living (in whatever capacity she’s capable) vs the impending loss. Much love sent to you.


Orchidwalker t1_j4z6kfg wrote

I have been there and hope you are doing ok. It isn’t easy. Allow yourself to feel and cry. Try writing as much as you can- just write- it helps and can help you compartmentalize your thoughts and emotions.