PassingWithJennifer t1_jc4vlek wrote on March 14, 2023 at 1:27 AM

No I still want to kill myself just less often and more functional than before. I am convinced the only day ill.be free of my body is when I die and I find some degree of comfort knowing I will one day.

Sorry to be a doomer but it's terminal for me and my bodily dysphoria is that bad some days. Gender Dysphoria and Body Dysmorphia have seemingly controlled most of my life and I have reclaimed some of it back. Some days I feel very confident and happy, but others I'm afraid that if people see me or hear my voice without training for hours that morning that I will mess it up. Sometimes I don't speak at all.

I know that I can pass with a small bit of effort with hair, because I do get clocked female by strangers quite often unless I have shadow. But some days I will like panic that something is wrong and my partner will tell me I look the same as yesterday but I have some irrational fear of being more masculine than I am presenting.

You could say I'm mentally ill I guess in less words. 🤔

But, I did just get a second job to save for surgeries and get an apartment. I hope I am no longer homeless by may, but you know, idk :(

CloudofAmethyst OP t1_jc4wf1s wrote on March 14, 2023 at 1:33 AM

I don't sympathize with suicide, though there are days I feel like it would be easier to just not exist sometimes. I can empathize with the struggle though, and if you ever need to talk to someone or grab coffee just for some like minded company, I'm always happy to help! I hope this March, not in Springfield, but the national level, brings attention and help to those that struggle so badly that death seems preferable than struggling to achieve what could be easily accessible and affordable health care

PassingWithJennifer t1_jc52i6g wrote on March 14, 2023 at 2:19 AM

I edited my original comment to add more.

On the topic of suicide I don't plan to go yet because of a handful of people in my life but I feel often like I am suffering for them for no reason but wil not say something like that to them or make them a burden. I just have those thoughts. Some days I just don't want to be alive.

I do have good days sometimes though. I have made some friends homeless that I treat better than myself and I like seeing them every day and it has become a part of my routine to go see them nearly every day which helps a lot because I self isolate a lot. I actually really liked the winter because of how empty everything was and the sort of privacy it gave me. Which again I hope I get an apartment soon 😅 I'd love to just be able to lay down on a floor or something and not look like a weirdo

CloudofAmethyst OP t1_jc53osv wrote on March 14, 2023 at 2:28 AM

Again, if you ever find the need to talk to someone during those hard times, I'm always happy to talk 😊 and I hope you have the absolute best luck finding that floor to lay on!

PassingWithJennifer t1_jc5a8jb wrote on March 14, 2023 at 3:21 AM

Sure I'll dm you sometime

PassingWithJennifer t1_jc50jte wrote on March 14, 2023 at 2:04 AM

Missouri Medicaid already pays for my injectables, progesterone, finesteride, whatever so I am not sure what you mean. My friends tell me I have a passing voice when I am not putting in too much effort but talking freely but to me I am unable to hear this quality about it, so I'm on the wait list for MSUs speech pathology clinic. Voice therapy which is also provided free.

Both Planned parenthood and Aids Project of the Ozarks has a grant program or resuced cost program for the uninsured and poor as well for free for appointments like to do blood work.

There is already a free path to transition. You might not be aware of that though, because Missouri has tried to hide the fact they expanded Medicaid and updated its trans policies from 2019 to be aca compliant and I have thought about challenging the state to pay for srs, because the ACA says they should have to cover that too

I also blogin fringe trans spaces about legal stuff regarding trans rights. The aclu and Equality federation and many more advocacy and legal groups are dismantling these unconstitutional laws passed by states legislatures as quickly as the courts can move. they have already won battles like in West Virginia in Texas. Either overturning bills completely or blocking them with a court injunction

In 2020 the Supreme Court (the same that overturned Roe) affirmed we are a protected class of people and indebted civil rights. The Republicans are passing entirely illegal laws at the state level which should be automatically superceded by the federal gov.

Biden administration and cabinet have used various instruments of the executive department to probe states and their bureaus with inquiries.

I'd go on but I'm tired

CloudofAmethyst OP t1_jc53i1c wrote on March 14, 2023 at 2:27 AM

Unfortunately with the medicade, it's extremely easy to not qualify for many people, such as myself who is also not able to afford personal health insurance. I was unaware they provided it, as the website states they only cover therapy costs, do that is really neat! Hormones definitely aren't the most expensive, but laser, electrolysis, ffs, bottom/top surgery remains expensive and unobtainable for very many. And even where it is obtainable, it is frequently a struggle to get those services covered. I'm not saying everyone has it bad, as I also very easily was able to make

And the bills being passed illegally is for the same reason laws that were illegal according to Roe V. Wade were passed, which is to push it to the Supreme Court and have settled law overturned, thus no longer being illegal.

And as far as awareness and resources, that extends well beyond Missouri, and many states are much less accessible, and other countries as well. If the US could be a better example to lead the world, then other countries would be more likely to emulate their acceptance. In a world where groups are showing up to drag readings masked and armed with rifles, trans people are ridiculed and have a former president trying to platform on the "eradication of and gender care for all ages", and anti-LGBTQ laws are being proposed in the hundreds since the start of the year it becomes less about the individual struggle and much more about standing in solidarity, which is what I'm hoping this can accomplish. All the very positive points you made are on the brink of being eliminated.

PassingWithJennifer t1_jc5a75g wrote on March 14, 2023 at 3:21 AM

>Hormones definitely aren't the most expensive,

My injectable alone is almost $180 before rx coupon. Why? For months especially during Covid Pandemic Grove Pharmacy was the only place I could find it at for a while. Prog and spyro both being 20-30 each. Idr what fin was. Even my current Pharmacy isn't much cheaper but ther wholesaler is a lot more consistent these days than Groves. Which, bit of a tangent, but I would Ave thought a pharmacy specializing in hormone treatments and compound medicine would never run dry of....those exact things ???

If you're too poor for a market place plan you are too poor to get anything more than 2mg E tablets and some generic spyro, probably. And for some people that's fine but I only do injections. My body was low T pre transition and now basically doesn't even make it much anymore.

But yes, as I pointed out the state of Missouri seems to have suppressed the spread of information that their expansion of Medicaid is now aca compliant. Meaning they must cover hormones and srs. I am sure you checked their 2019 pamphlet or pdf online because I did as well and it is the source of information for several trans rights sites attempting to track benefits across states. It is outdated. And since the state covers hrt I want to know if they will cover srs, because the ACA labels it a necessary treatment for trans women. I don't plan on getting it but I am curious. I think it has been deliberate for them to withhold this information from the public.

As for the republican plan to genocide us I'm aware. I blog about it a lot. When the emails leaked I emailed 16 different legal and advocacy organizations. Only 4 responded. 1 said they were already aware of the leaks and made no further comment, so I assume there is some work happening there. This genocide was planned during the pandemic. Unfortunately for the Rs the Supreme Court affirmed in 2020 that we are a protected class of people and dems would easily repeal or ammend any garbage they push out. Assuming all goes well. I personally think dems will win the presidency in 2024 but I am more worried about congress.

If dems win both houses and the presidency we might see trans rights codified.

It flew under the radar of the news cycle but congress codified gay marriage in December 2022 just a few months ago.

The blue wave we saw to take hold of the senate in a mid term isnunorecedented and the number 1 concern among voters for that election was a lingering fear of Jan 6 and election security. I think Republicans have done nothing but give dems ammo while proposing 0 policies that people actually want. Trans politics doesn't poll wellnwith voters from either party generally. Most people are apathetic to us. Pushing that instead of addressing housing and income insecurity or literally anything by the right might well continue to push centrist to the left in 2024.

CloudofAmethyst OP t1_jc5b0u3 wrote on March 14, 2023 at 3:28 AM

Oh geez, that is pricey, I don't know why the prices always seem to be all over the place! It sounds like you're really into the political side, and I would love to learn more from you!

March 31st March of Solidarity

CloudofAmethyst OP t1_jc4u9t7 wrote on March 14, 2023 at 1:17 AM