jakedmj t1_iuh35j4 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 8:03 AM

Reply to comment by Environmental_Card_3 in If living in Springfield was a video game what tips would you get on the loading screen? by Xefjord

No people ask you for one if they see you're smoking

Wrinklestiltskin t1_iuhp9db wrote on October 31, 2022 at 12:44 PM

You could always refuse instead of sharing. You don't need a justification or a reason; you have an inherent right to refusal.

jakedmj t1_iuhsbfe wrote on October 31, 2022 at 1:10 PM

Some people ain't so good at the whole saying no to others whose plight they empathize with.

Wrinklestiltskin t1_iuhymzb wrote on October 31, 2022 at 2:00 PM

I'm a caseworker for adults with severe, debilitating mental illness and also work with an overlap of DD individuals. They need boundaries and to have people say no to them sometimes. I teach them about the right to refusal as well, because they stress each other out bumming cigs off each other constantly. Very common complaint I receive from my clients who smoke. There's typically rules against it at group homes/care facilities because it's a constant source of conflict and drama.

None of us are born assertive; it is a skill we have to learn and acquire thru practice. Saying "no" doesn't mean you're inconsiderate/unempathetic; it isn't rude; it's not anger; it's self-advocacy.

Share your cigarettes if you'd like. But you should not feel compelled to do so.

jakedmj t1_iui0zl4 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 2:17 PM

Also to be said, thank you immensely for what you do. I know casework is equally difficult and rewarding in large proportions. Without your determination lots of people would be left behind in ruin, my partner being one of them. Know there are others struggling with you in the battle against poverty and you aren't alone.

Wrinklestiltskin t1_iui98ju wrote on October 31, 2022 at 3:15 PM

I appreciate that. In all honesty, the hardest part of my job is the bureaucracy and obligations of my organization. Despite moments of burnout, it's never come from my clients; just my employer. I think most of us in mental health are in it because we're damaged goods as well. Helping others helps myself and my own struggle with major depression. I can't imagine a more rewarding experience than helping people transition from residential care facilities to more independent community housing. Playing a part in positive changes in someone's life like that helps keep me going. It's just as selfish as it is selfless haha.

jakedmj t1_iui0ev2 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 2:13 PM

Former smoker, personally. Partner and myself are formerly homeless. You do have a point and boundaries are very important. But I can remember that mentality very clearly, the conflict avoidance, the need for commiseration and socialization, the general inability to see the exploitative systems as greater than the individual in front of you. Just understanding Maslow's hierarchy of needs and the effects poverty has on general cognition and awareness was impossible. It took slipping in and out of it a few times to really understand how it affects your perception and ability to navigate your social environment effectively.

Wrinklestiltskin t1_iui7osr wrote on October 31, 2022 at 3:04 PM

I'm glad you both are in a more stable place now. I can't imagine the hardship of being homeless. I have worked with many formerly homeless individuals from our area and even still I can't begin to imagine how difficult that life is...

And I never wanted to come off like sharing your cigs is wrong or anything. It's just good to be able to say no from time to time and not feel pressured or guilty for our decision. Bumming a cig from someone can make you feel like someone else cares enough to share, and that is a good thing. But it can just as easily prevent you from hanging onto your own possessions out of perceived obligations.

Like everything in life, it's about moderation and it is not black and white. As in, it's not inherently good or bad to share your smokes. It's all about balance.

I'm sure you have enough life experience from your challenges to know that we all really live in the grey, and that people are too complicated to be put into labels as restrictive as 'good' or 'bad' or 'black' and 'white' sort of thinking. We all just have to try to find the right balance in our lives.