Please take a breath. Look into some grounding and calming exercises. Do something to stop the spiral you are in.

I can't relate to the cheating, but I can relate to the guilt spiral and self-flagellation you're going through right now. It's hard to fight against - you feel guilty, realize feeling guilty is putting your emotions above those you hurt, feel guiltier, and the cycle continues.

But it's important to break that cycle. You cannot grow and mature without being able to learn to handle and accept these emotions. When caught in self-flagellation you'll never be able to mature, you'll just get trapped in that mentality and stagnate.

I encourage you to seek counseling, for the sake of yourself and for others.

r/SupportforWaywards may have resources (such as books) to help you reflect inward and grow to be a better person.