Submitted by Odd_Ad_5639 t3_11e8sv4 in tifu
[removed]
Comments
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacvocp wrote
No offence taken. There are no words to describe how horrible I have been.
I honestly think that I could be a good father for my daughter still. I know that anything I say sounds ridiculous after what I did but I honestly think I could give my daughter a good life
Ocean_Spice t1_jacx7iv wrote
What part of cheating on her mom makes you a good father?
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacxmhs wrote
Everything I feel and everything I’ve done apart from that
Ocean_Spice t1_jad4hcv wrote
Oh, sure. Cheating on her mom and blowing up her whole family and potentially throwing her life deep into turmoil is a wonderful dad move because you feel bad now. Bro, what??
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad58gr wrote
I can’t take back anything I’ve done. I will regret it until I die. Nobody will be ever believe me (and I can’t blame them) but I love my daughter very much and I would take good care of her.
I hate that it will hurt my wife but I honestly believe I can give a better upbringing than my wife all things considered.
There will be hurt and turmoil. I will be to blame. My shame is eternal
OurMasterAM t1_jacwyy4 wrote
You could give her a good life - but could you give her the best life she can have?
It sounds like the mother is better at caring for her, and she's more attached to her mother. It may be a "if you love her, let her go" situation - let her life with the parent that'll give her the best life. Ask the wife if you can pay child support, so that way you can take some of the burden off your wife and support your child.
peweje t1_jacs1ys wrote
Literally everything I want to say right now is a rule breaking comment. You’re garbage.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacs5kl wrote
I am garbage. I deserve to die alone. I will never regret anything more than the damage I have done here.
I would do anything to take it all back but I am literally the worst human being I know
peweje t1_jacu3d8 wrote
You don’t deserve to die, self harm, or otherwise harm yourself or anyone else.
What you do need is therapy and you need to let your wife leave you and take the kids. Be a good person and graciously let her do what she needs to do. Your opinion no longer matters
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacwxp8 wrote
I respect what you say and I see how it would be the most civilised thing to do.
I can’t say that the child would definitely have a better life with the mother so I can’t let go.
I’ve fked up so bad here I don’t deserve anything but I think I can provide a positive and fulfilling life for my daughter regardless.
Nobody would ever believe me but i would never make a third mistake
Thisisthatguy99 t1_jaczkxx wrote
You’ve already proved your selfishness twice. Any you really think the best thing is for your daughter to be with you? You will be selfish again, but instead of hurting your (soon to be ex) wife, you will be hurting your daughter. Let your wife take your daughter, and give her all the love and care she does. The best thing you can do for everyone right now is to get some therapy for yourself. After the therapy helps you, you can start to work on your relationship with your daughter.
Since you needed to point out your $200k job, let me point something out. In most places in the US, a divorcing mother with child custody can get upwards of 60% of your income. So you will be cutting that income down to closer to 60k…. And if you love your daughter, and feel bad for your actions against your wife…. You won’t fight this
Edit: spelling
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad1gw1 wrote
I’m not in the US and I won’t be able to have any contact with my daughter if she leaves my country.
I can provide alimony to support the raising of my daughter overseas but I think my country is a better environment for child rearing also.
I fucked up as a human being and a husband but I love my daughter more than anything and I honestly think that I could give her a good loving and supporting upbringing (not that anyone will believe me)
Thisisthatguy99 t1_jad2vlg wrote
No one will believe you because you have already proven what kind of person you are.
You were selfish when you cheated on your wife.
You are being selfish now by wanting to take your daughter away from your wife (if your wife leaves and your daughter stays with you, your wife won’t be able to see her, meaning that you are hurting her YET AGAIN.)
And you WILL (I say this without question and with 200% certainty) be selfish again with your daughter. When something comes up and you have to choose between what you want and your daughter you will choose what you want. You can say I’m wrong all you want, but your actions have already proven me right. Your cheating wasn’t just hurting your wife, but hurting your daughter to by ruining your marriage.
Be the decent human being for once in your life and let them both go, and pay them a high amount for alimony and child support… enough that they can live comfortably… since you needed to prove to everyone how much you make… we know you can afford to do so if you’re not being selfish.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad3bhk wrote
I can’t blame you for thinking that because all the evidence proves that but I honestly believe that I would choose my daughter over my own wants.
I am very aware of how much I have screwed up and I will spend the rest of my life atoning for it, starting with seeing to provide the best environment possible (under the circumstances) for my daughter. I think that’s my country, not my wife’s
Thisisthatguy99 t1_jad5og7 wrote
You believe that because you are hurt and scared of losing your daughter, so your emotions are affecting rational thought, and you are lying to yourself and everyone here. The difference is we can see it cause we are on the outside with no emotional connection.
Take your daughter, let your daughter move on and have a better life with her mom…. It has no affect on everyone else here so we can let logic guide us. You already hurt and will be losing the people you love, so you can’t think clearly and are just telling yourself what you want to hear to try and rationalize your feelings.
You’ve proven who you are as a human. Therapy or not, that’s who you are. The best thing for your daughter is to let her stay with her mother who you already admit gives her better emotional care, something she’ll need as her family is broken apart because of your actions.
The best you can hope for is to offer the mom whatever financial support she seems fair if she is willing to stay local so you can stay close to your daughter. I’m talking over and above alimony and child support. And you just accept that as penance and be thankful if she accepts.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad6vz6 wrote
I accept that what I have done is abhorrent and the natural reaction is that I am irredeemable and will never be fit to be a parent.
I have cheated and I caused the breakup of an otherwise happy family. Nothing I will ever do will be able to erase the shame and guilt I have over this.
Emotions aside, I think I have a better chance of giving daughter a decent upbringing in my country than my wife’s. It’s not just about how much money she will be able to spend on daughter. The whole environment considered, I think daughter could be better off with me
Thisisthatguy99 t1_jad8cei wrote
Ok, I’m done with this conversation. Go ahead and hurt your family even more, then you have, instead of doing the right thing for once. You don’t want to listen to reason. You just want to do what you want AGAIN. Proving AGAIN how selfish you are. You’ve already admitted that you will never be able to provide mentally/emotionally the way mom can. You are looking strictly at financial… what you can spend and where that money can afford to have you live… but money can be given away… and you can still provide a decent life for your daughter from half way across the world.
I get where your coming from, as a single father. But if I knew there was someone who could give my son a better mental/emotional life while I paid in the background… I would do it because its what’s best for him, and that’s what matters most. But with my situation, there is no one else, just me and him.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad8tih wrote
But it won’t be just me and my daughter here. I also don’t know if comparing a mothers love and a fathers love is right but I can’t do anything about that.
I know I love my daughter very much and I could give her a good upbringing
BeckyW77 t1_jae9gol wrote
And...you want to do it at the cost of further destroying your wife? Have you not ONE PARTICLE OF SHAME? (No, you don't.)
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaea3ye wrote
I can only try and balance what I think is best for my daughter and my wife and for me that means trying to make sure my daughter gets the best upbringing I can give her despite the mess that I’ve made
OurMasterAM t1_jacti2x wrote
Please take a breath. Look into some grounding and calming exercises. Do something to stop the spiral you are in.
I can't relate to the cheating, but I can relate to the guilt spiral and self-flagellation you're going through right now. It's hard to fight against - you feel guilty, realize feeling guilty is putting your emotions above those you hurt, feel guiltier, and the cycle continues.
But it's important to break that cycle. You cannot grow and mature without being able to learn to handle and accept these emotions. When caught in self-flagellation you'll never be able to mature, you'll just get trapped in that mentality and stagnate.
I encourage you to seek counseling, for the sake of yourself and for others.
r/SupportforWaywards may have resources (such as books) to help you reflect inward and grow to be a better person.
Liveware_Failure t1_jacszpv wrote
The best thing you can do for your daughter is remove yourself from her life.
You don't care about anyone but yourself, if you did then you wouldn't have acted like you have then posted the most cringe thing I've read on this sub seeking sone kind of permission or forgiveness for the next awful move you're making.
You would be the worst role model for your child imagineable, so don't be, financially support your soon to be ex wife, and let them try and rebuild a healthy life without you in it.
And get therapy
[deleted] t1_jad0ov1 wrote
[deleted]
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacytn7 wrote
My actions certainly point that way. You’re probably right.
I can’t ever fix this situation but I can do the best I can to provide the best for my daughter. I hate that it will hurt my wife more but I don’t think she’ll have the means or the time to raise 1 let alone 2 children. She’ll just scrape by
AnimatorDifferent116 t1_jad1sfc wrote
Howcome two?
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad2ioe wrote
She’s now pregnant
AnimatorDifferent116 t1_jad3b40 wrote
Ooofff... and the FU is getting even bigger. How far is her home country? Honestly, I would let her go and financially support her and would ask to have the kids over the summer as well as Christmas holidays.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad3g7f wrote
Home country is a 13 hour flight away. Zero chance of contact if she leaves the country, let alone any kind of custody arrangement
AnimatorDifferent116 t1_jad47qr wrote
Anyway, you can't have a newborn separated from her mom... so you have to find a way to make it work. 13 hours twice a year is doable
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad4ot4 wrote
I would make it work if I could, but it won’t be possible. That is definitely off the table
AnimatorDifferent116 t1_jad547w wrote
So the only option is to pay her good alimony and child support so she can stay here where you are, and you'll get sufficient visitation rights. You can't have it both ways.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad5hhu wrote
She won’t stay here no matter what I pay her. She is 100% returning to her home country
BeckyW77 t1_jaea1pv wrote
You cheated on her when she was pregnant? WTF, dude? Not one of your actions shows that you truly love your wife or your child(ren). Even you saying that you can raise your child(ren) better is just you wanting to have your own way.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaealef wrote
I cheated 5 months ago. She has since become pregnant. She wasn’t pregnant when I cheated
CrystalQueen3000 t1_jact17e wrote
Boohoo, spare me your self pity.
Hope she wipes you out in the divorce
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacuotc wrote
No self pity here. Self awareness. I know I fucked up
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jacvoak wrote
I just don’t understand what compels someone to cheat. Can’t you just watch porn like a decent human? Or communicate with your wife since you said you had a strong relationship apparently? And you gave her an STI…. That’s just so awful. I wish there was some way she could press charges for biological warfare or some shit bevause you deserve that.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacw5uc wrote
I agree with everything you said. The STI makes the whole thing way more humiliating.
I can’t justify my own behaviour. I’ve failed as a human being and I deserve all the hate I get
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jacwgh5 wrote
Then leave your wife alone and stop trying to make her life even worse.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacxxdw wrote
I hate that my decision will hurt my wife more. I wish my daughters future could have included both of us but I screwed that up.
I want to give my daughter the best future and I don’t think my wife will have the means to raise 1 let alone 2 children on her own to a level more than just getting by
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jacyoit wrote
Pay child support and alimony then, Mr “I’m so well off”
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaczn5c wrote
My ability to provide for her is more than just money. I think my country provides the better child environment and my sins aside I would be able to provide her with a nice loving home
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jad4b6t wrote
And your wife wouldn’t because….???
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad4isz wrote
Because she will be in her country which I don’t think is as good an environment
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jadbemc wrote
And guess who did that? You did. You chose to cheat, which is forcing her to move countries. That’s 100% on you. So wether or not you don’t think it’s a good environment, YOURE the one who caused that situation. Since you’re so well off why not buy your wife an apartment in your country? You really seem like the worst.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadbwdt wrote
She wanted to move anyway. What I did cause her to decide to move now without me. It’s what I deserve but perhaps not what my daughter deserves.
It’s not completely about finances. My wife has an apartment she can live in in her home country
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jadcg5q wrote
You cheated on her, that’s what. You broke up your marriage so you could get off, and put your own daughter in a tough situation because you’re selfish. That’s how.
If your wife is moving to this new country on her own accord, then she probably knows what she’s doing. You saying it’s not a good environment means nothing. Is it war torn? Oppressive? What’s so bad about where’s she’s moving other than that it’s away from you.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadcvmc wrote
It’s none of those things. My country has more freedom, more nature, a less oppressive culture.
Her country isn’t bad but I think mine is better.
This is all my fault. I’m not disputing that at all. My wife and my daughter will suffer because of what I did but I want to minimise the suffering my daughter experiences by providing her the best upbringing I or my wife can
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jaddl1r wrote
The best upbringing would have been with you and mom together, but you made the decision to screw her mother over and now you want to continue to do that? Do you WANT her to resent you? The way you speak sounds a lot like you just think you’re better than your wife. She (daughter) wouldn’t be in danger. Have you considered asking your daughter what she prefers?
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadebmf wrote
My daughter is 19 months old and doesn’t have a voice yet.
My wife already resents me and for good reason. The last thing I want to do is hurt her more but I need to consider both my wife and my daughters interests
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jadhs0s wrote
Oh Jesus. You cheated when your wife had an infant?? And you want to take a child that young away from their mother? Good lord when does it stop getting worse?
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadhxz6 wrote
I think you know it all now. I’m scum
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jadic8t wrote
So maybe make an effort to stop being scum instead of being… whatever this is?
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadijjr wrote
I’m trying to do what I think is best for my daughter.
It’s not perfect and unfortunately it hurts my wife but it’s the best I think I can do
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jadkr7h wrote
What’s best for your very young daughter is to be with her mother. If you truly want what’s best for your baby, try talking to your wife about maybe relocating in the same country. Work something out, but a kid that young needs it’s mother.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadmxk8 wrote
Wife is relocating to her country. That’s non negotiable unfortunately. Daughter is young now but i need to make the decision based on her whole life not her current age
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jadpita wrote
Sigh. I’m really sorry you’re this way. If your account of this story is this bad I can only imagine your wife’s side.
You have an opportunity to change, you really do. But the entirety of your responses are “my hands are tied I guess, I know I’m an asshole but gosh darn it, I’m doing what’s best for me I mean my daughter!!
I really sympathize with your wife. You’re emotionally manipulative and you seem to know it but have no idea how to stop being that way. I hope this thread was at least a little bit of a wake up call for you because the one suffering the most by your ignorance, is your daughter. Good luck dude, I really hope everyone in this situations lives improve
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadpwzt wrote
I’m being 100% honest so my wife’s side is probably not too dissimilar from mine.
I’m as fked up as it sounds, but I can only try to do what’s best from here for my daughter
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jadq71s wrote
Again “my hands are tied”. You seem self aware only of your past mistakes but not of the ones you’re currently making. Which is probably why you cheated a second time after feeling “so much remorse”.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadr0qe wrote
My hands are not tied. I am making the best decision I can for my daughter. Unfortunately it hurts my wife.
I hate myself for what my wife has to go through but I need to put emotions aside and see what is best for my daughter
BeckyW77 t1_jaeb070 wrote
We know you're scum. Your trying to take your child from her mother. You are actually willing to make her pain and suffering that much worse so you can claim you "love" your daughter more. Give me a break.
BeckyW77 t1_jaeap9m wrote
I doubt it. As soon as you find a new hot wife, you'd put her first. And then put any children you both had above your current child. It's written all over you that you and your feelings are what matter, not another person.
bsuvo t1_jad5jt3 wrote
Yeah come on, drop the act. You clearly don't give a shit or feel you did anything wrong. There is no way you feel bad for cheating on your wife and still think making things right for her means taking away her children
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad62jn wrote
You have every reason to not believe me but I will regret what I have done until I die.
My wife means a lot to me, so I am extremely ashamed about how I have treated her.
Taking custody of my daughter isn’t the right thing by her but I believe it is the best for my daughter, all things considered (even though I did cheat and cause this situation)
CourtBarton t1_jad6dct wrote
You don't regret your actions. You regret the consequences of those actions.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad717l wrote
I regret my actions very much. I wish I never did it, I have huge shame for what I have done.
Hot-Tone-7495 t1_jade6c7 wrote
Then why’d you do it more than once? If you felt so ashamed what was the reason you did it again? Your shame must not have been too big.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadein5 wrote
I have no words to explain why I did it a second time.
I am very ashamed of my behaviour and I wouldn’t do it a third time even if I hadn’t been caught.
I’m aware I’m a failure as a human being
BeckyW77 t1_jaeai9r wrote
As soon as what you want conflicts with raising your child, you'll either abandon your child, or ignore her needs. I have no doubt about that . You claimed you really and truly loved your wife, but had cheated once...and then did it again. There is nothing about your actions and words that show you are truly putting your daughter first. It's all part of your ego.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaemmaj wrote
That’s a fair criticism and I deserve it but it’s not how I feel. I messed up twice and I deserve the divorce. I can only try and take care of my daughter by letting her have the best upbringing. I think that is in my country, and not in my wife’s
OkVolume1 t1_jacv31d wrote
Please don't remarry.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacvw2z wrote
I plan on being 100% honest with anyone that I meet in the future so safe to say the chances of me dating again let alone getting married is absolutely zero
TasteFlavored t1_jactfr3 wrote
Do the right thing and don't fight for custody and pay child support instead of causing more problems for your family. If you are truly sorry for your mistakes you have to accept responsibility, it's gonna suck but it's the right thing
skullhedfacedood t1_jacsspk wrote
You don’t deserve your daughter dude. You’re too selfish it ensure her a stable future money or no money. Plus you want to hurt your ex wife even more? Unless she doesn’t want custody, you should finally take the high road and wallow in self pity of the situation you insinuated, unless there’s more information that you haven’t shared that proves your wife deserved this.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacuhq2 wrote
There is no more information. Wife does not deserve this.
My only justification is that I have the resources to provide a better life than my wife could, and that although I’ve failed as a husband and as a human being my love for my daughter is absolute.
My decision proves I’m selfish and is undeservedly unkind to my wife but I have nothing left.
That is what I deserve, but it is not what my daughter deserves
DrLoxi t1_jacvmuw wrote
Then pay your wife and daughter enough money to have a decent life in their home country.
Do one thing right for them. You destroyed their lives.
[deleted] t1_jacwt1o wrote
[removed]
BitterBloodedDemon t1_jacwrk4 wrote
You have better resources to provide right now, that says nothing for the future.
When my ex-husband and I split he had a job, and the credentials and potential for better ones. Due to the nature of the split he took our son with him.
I got my son back 6 months later. I was still unemployed and continued to be so for the following 9 months after I got him back.
It's now 10 years later. I'm a salaried employee, have had a stable income for the last 9 years. My son is well provided for, while my ex struggles to hold a job and who's situation is fluctuating regularly.
I won't say you can or can't save this. Odds are not in your favor though... you need therapy, just for starts. But the least you can do, for all the damage you've done, is NOT try to hurt your wife more by taking her child away.
MAYBE if you're amicable enough you can still salvage a relationship with your kid. Visits and stuff.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacxjk1 wrote
Wife will be overseas and living with parents who will be (rightly so) hostile. Visits are out of the question.
I’m glad your situation worked out. I am sure my wife could get a stable income but it won’t ever amount to enough to do more than just get by.
I hate that taking the daughter would hurt my wife even more but in my mind I’m doing it to give my daughter the best care for the future. I wish I could involve my wife as well but I screwed up way too much for that to happen.
I understand this is a selfish decision but I mean it for the welfare of my daughter
OurMasterAM t1_jacz8wq wrote
I'm sorry bud, but... it isn't. From everything you've said, you're putting how you feel above what's best for her.
You want her to stay because you love her, and you feel like you can't live without her. Yes, you have money right now, but you've said that your wife is a better caretaker and has a closer bond to the child. If you were putting your daughter's needs before your feelings, you'd let her live with her mother, and provide financial support.
If the wife will be living with her parents, it's possible they can also help with raising the child. She won't be living alone in some dumpster, she'll have family that can care for her.
It's hard, but put your feelings aside. You can support financially and let her live with the more capable parent. It isn't a case of 'one or the other'.
BitterBloodedDemon t1_jad44jx wrote
RETRACTED
u/OurMasterAM said, very eloquently, what needed said here.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad4ejk wrote
I guess not. I would do anything to take back the stupid decisions I made but I can’t.
The best I can do is provide the best environment for my daughter going forward. I think that is in my country, and not my wife’s
AnimatorDifferent116 t1_jad6g90 wrote
I'm now curious about where you both are from, actually
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad73p1 wrote
Different developed Asian countries
KimKsPsoriasis t1_jacsi8h wrote
And your poasting here for what exactly?
YoloFace_ t1_jacufuk wrote
Because he fucked up🤣
KimKsPsoriasis t1_jacujgl wrote
Royally llol
ASK_IF_IM_PENGUIN t1_jacwfbt wrote
Because its an appropriate place for it to be shared?
The sub would be very empty if nobody shared their fuckups...
KimKsPsoriasis t1_jacwp1i wrote
Yeah I wasn’t asking for a legit response… it seems like a sympathy reach. But thank god we have you to set us straight 🙄
NorthImpossible8906 t1_jadnc1a wrote
because this is a sub about fuck ups.
This is quite the fuck up, perhaps hall of fame.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacsx5s wrote
I don’t have anyone I can talk to about what I have done but I need to let it out.
I am an absolute failure of a human being and I deserve all the hate I get. I could never do anything to make this right ever
KimKsPsoriasis t1_jact1oo wrote
Mmhmm
OurMasterAM t1_jacsl51 wrote
Info, if I may: Why do you think you'd give your daughter a better upbringing than the mother?
I know this is hard since we're emotional beings, but you need to put aside your feelings and truly, genuinely consider what's best for them, not what's best for you. Thinking of yourself and your needs only is what lead to the choice of cheating, and one of the best things you can do is begin to put the needs of others in high importance.
Acypha t1_jact684 wrote
He says he makes money. That’s probably why.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jactsio wrote
Thank you for your measured response. The reasons I think I can give her a better upbringing are
-
I can provide for her financially. Her mother would barely scrape by.
-
Mother would also need to do shift work including night shifts, which is hard for everyone
Whilst her mother is an encyclopaedia of parenting knowledge I have been (by my own estimation) a loving father and although I would need to learn a lot, I could make up a lot of the gap. I can’t replace a mother but I can give her a lot (not just financially) and it wouldn’t be as good as if both wife and I were in the picture but I don’t think she would say it was a bad childhood or lacking in love or care
KuhLealKhaos t1_jacupyj wrote
Pay your wife child support
Thisisthatguy99 t1_jad06bo wrote
You are forgetting the alimony and child support you will be paying. Upwards of 60% of your 200k income. That leaves mom and daughter $120k a year… plenty to live on.
If you continue to be selfish.. you will fight that. But if you want to do whats right for them, and truly feel guilty for your actions, you won’t.
RealVeterinarian6401 t1_jad6ura wrote
why did you cheat?
like if you regret this so much- and still dipped your dick in someone(s) else twice why.
you owe it to your wife- and your daughter to BE A BETTER PERSON. not talking about basically taking your daughter from your wife since you make more money. clearly your moral character needs a slap up the head.
why can’t there be shared custody? or alimony and child support?
and even if she took full custody you PAY HER. so she can take care of YOUR child.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad8f4k wrote
Shared custody is 100% out of the picture. My wife is 100% leaving the country. It is out of my control.
I don’t deserve it but I wish I could come to some sort of arrangement but it won’t happen.
I see the future of my daughter as a separate issue to my sins. I will forever regret what I have done but I love my daughter and I would be able to care for her in my country more than I think my wife could in hers, in her particular circumstances
RealVeterinarian6401 t1_jad93mu wrote
after reading a lot of your comments- you need to let her go- and your children go.
your wife is pregnant- her family im guessing is going to provide the support she deserves that she is not getting from you. send money try and stay in contact with your daughter and be supportive and try and maintain whatever relationship you can with your children as they grow.
actions have consequences.
by you taking the child/children your only punishing your wife further for YOUR actions.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad9hve wrote
You are right my actions will hurt my wife more. I regret that very much but I am balancing that against the future I think I can provide for my daughter.
It won’t be perfect because of my actions. I wish my wife and I could both be present in her life, but because of me that won’t be possible.
My wife’s family could provide some support but not as much as mine could. All things considered, I think the best environment for my daughter would be with my family
RealVeterinarian6401 t1_jada18o wrote
No no no no stop being in your own head and thinking like such a dick. seriously wtf. you fucked up. YOU. YOU DID THIS. you can’t undo this- you are STILL being selfish. you will continue to destroy your wife and family if you do this.
please open your eyes before you say anything to your wife. do not be so selfish.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadb1xx wrote
I think im putting my daughters needs above my wife’s.
I know it benefits me personally also but that is not my intention (I know you will not believe me).
I hate what im putting my wife through. She definitely does not deserve any of it. I’d do anything to take it back but I can’t
BeckyW77 t1_jaecs1l wrote
No, you don't, not really. You are putting your feelings first so once again, you are sacrificing your soon-to-be-ex wife's EVERYTHING you have done and plan to do is ruining your wife. You're just finding pretty rationales to dress it up.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaekufh wrote
I’m doing what I think is best for my daughters future. I hate that it’s not aligned with what wife wants and it will hurt her.
I am already the asshole. I can only try and do what I think is best for my daughter
BeckyW77 t1_jaecic6 wrote
Dude. You only want to keep your daughter because you're afraid you will miss her. And that's on YOU...for cheating against your wife. Saying your country is better and that you have more money is just you putting your own self-interest first, because it is more important for a parent to be loving and have a close bond. And even with all this vaunted love you have for your daughter, you still blew up your marriage because you had to scratch an itch. You are, RIGHT NOW, unfit to be a decent father.
BeckyW77 t1_jaec2bc wrote
How many diapers have you changed? How many times have you read to your child? How many times have you fed her? How many hours of any given week have you thought about her? How many times have you actually played with her? Is it even as much as you boinking some other woman?
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaelku3 wrote
I change nappies, do playtime, read multiple books to my baby every day. Nobody could accuse me of not doing enough for my daughter.
Bonking the other woman has happened twice only, and that’s the honest truth even if nobody believes me. It doesn’t make it better or excusable in any way and I won’t be believed but I can only tell my truth. There’s no point lying to look good to a bunch of strangers
OurMasterAM t1_jacuqf3 wrote
Question: Would you not provide money if she moved? Even though she'll be in a different country, you could still send money to her online (I would get it clarified she'd be ok with this first - sending it unprompted would suck). That way you could help provide financially while still putting their needs first.
Of course, I don't know you, and so anything I say will be built on presumptions. But if you cheated twice, that sounds like poor impulse control, and perhaps a lack of emotional maturity. I feel like your daughter should live with the parent who'd best raise her, and it sounds to be her mother - by your own admission, she has a stronger bond with her mother.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaczzsi wrote
I could provide money but it’s not only that. I think my country provides a better environment for children. My sins aside I also think I’d provide her with a loving home.
I know that nobody will ever believe me but I would never make a third mistake. It’s too late for my wife (understandably) but I can only work to improve from here
SkyrimIsForTheNerds t1_jaelpt0 wrote
You are horribly selfish. Everything you’ve described here has only been to the benefit of yourself. Your delusion that you could give your daughter a better life than her loving mom (I assume because you want to just throw your money at problems) is laughable. You can give her the best life by giving them child support.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaem3ti wrote
It’s not just about money. It’s about the whole environment she’ll be brought up in
SkyrimIsForTheNerds t1_jaemi7a wrote
You keep saying that but I don’t believe you. Your views that your country is just “better” than hers is gross and sad. You’ve already said your wife has a closer relationship to your daughter than you do. Why the hell would you continue to make her life miserable?
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaen26g wrote
I don’t think my wife’s country is gross and sad. I just think my country has a better environment for children.
SkyrimIsForTheNerds t1_jaerr1i wrote
Way to twist my words. You’re not the victim here.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaf13lj wrote
I never said I was the victim. I definitely am not
[deleted] t1_jact5hk wrote
[deleted]
AnimatorDifferent116 t1_jadp7qt wrote
He says in the comments that his wife is pregnant. Probably, she figured out about STI during standard pregnancy follow-up tests.
But I agree that this TIFU sub is mostly creative writing at this point and a very bad one! Like we had a post about a forgotten tampon a couple of days ago, and then there were all these stories followed about forgotten bandages and butt plugs! and whatnot
Nanohaystack t1_jacte3e wrote
Rule 1 of cheating: don't.
Rule 2 of cheating: see rule 1.
So... What were you thinking when you did it? How did you conduct your reasoning?
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacuy6y wrote
I honestly couldn’t tell you. There were some issues when I cheated but nothing out of the ordinary. Everyone has their ups and downs.
There is absolutely nothing I could say to excuse what happened. It will be the biggest regret I have until I die
NoraMosley1 t1_jad4qjj wrote
Everybody has ups and downs in a relationship, but not everyone cheats on their SO. Get therapy and pay child support and alimony.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad5d3g wrote
Definitely not excusing my behaviour. It is beyond belief and I don’t deserve anything
BeckyW77 t1_jaebh65 wrote
Look. You cheated because you wanted what you wanted in the moment, EVEN KNOWING that it would devastate your wife. Why should we believe that you will actually put your daughter first? None of your boo hoo pity party is believable.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaemprc wrote
I have no right to be believed. I did that. I completely accept that but it is how I feel
Acypha t1_jacsrrm wrote
What was blud thinking 💀💀💀
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jacu0ys wrote
Clearly was not
docdooom1 t1_jactg0g wrote
Well you know you fucked up. Take your licks and try to learn from it. Kind of embarrassing you had to learn it this way. Jesus man. No one ever teach you to treat others the way you want to be treated?
Clear_Amphibian t1_jacujej wrote
Slow your roll Odd_Add_5639
Yes you f_kd up and yes your life is changed because of your actions but you have to make the best of it.
Your wife and child are still here.
You stated that you have been a good father
You stated your relationship has been great recently
It is obvious that you see your wife and child as important and worthy of love
You seem to want the best for them
My man, there are a lot of positives here and you should start this minute to give your wife and child the best you can.
CelebrationSevere199 t1_jad5nd8 wrote
You've made bad decisions no need for us to beat yourself up anymore than you have. You have got to work on yourself and maintain a presence in your child's life. There's no amend to be made with your wife, fact is the child is better off with both of you even if it's 50-50. So figure it out.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad6gp6 wrote
There is zero chance of me being able to maintain a presence in daughters life if wife leaves the country. It just won’t happen no matter how hard I try.
It’s unfortunately not going to be a 50-50 situation so we have to decide which country provides a better upbringing for my child
CelebrationSevere199 t1_jadbokj wrote
I'm aware of what you stated about her possibly leaving but your daughter needs both of you not one of the other.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadc548 wrote
I would love for that to happen. I really would. I wish I could make it happen but it’s just not going to happen.
Unfortunately it will be only one of us. That’s the reality my actions have created
DeaconKnight t1_jad6mr6 wrote
Here's going slightly against the grain here, though not entirely. I mean, if you want to try to work things out, that's not up to you at all anymore. You just get to let her know, then leave her alone until she speaks to you.
That being said... yeah, you emotionally fucked her up, but you gave her a disease dude. What insane state of being put you in a place where you could sleep with a person who had an STI, then throw that back at your wife? You absolutely NEED to seek therapy no matter what the outcome. Was it a prostitute? "Massage" parlor? Drug/addiction related? Or was it an actual random one off that just coincidentally had something? No matter the answer, you need to address the root of the problem.
Here's the other thing... many of the people telling you how horrible of a person you are for this have been hurt by something similar being done to them. Consider their words to you as a mirror of how you made your wife feel, just to get an idea of where she's at.
The custody thing no one has a right to judge on without knowing details. Arguments can be made, but this isn't about your child... I truly hope you can maintain a relationship with them, though.
Now... here's the part I might get some heat for. You're not a monster. You're not a piece of trash. You're a guy who made a mistake with some pretty grave consequences, and yeah, you get to bear most of these feelings on your soul because an apology won't fix this, no matter how sorry you are. That being said, you need to change yourself before trying to be in a committed relationship because it's not fair to anyone else if you promise to commit without being able to see it through.
Good luck, man. Sincerely.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad80qc wrote
Thank you for your considered response.
You are right. I have no say in what happens to my relationship with my wife. I will regret this until the day that I die and I will never meet anyone who I love more (I plan on being 100% with anyone I meet in the future anyway so there is zero possibility of me dating let alone marrying anyone)
I completely understand the hatred I’m getting and it is all accurate. I am a horrible human who has made grave mistakes with terrible consequences that I will never be able to fix.
If my wife leaves the country I will 100% not be able to have any contact at all, ever. Shared custody is completely out of the picture so as much as I’d love to come to an arrangement, i don’t deserve it and it won’t happen anyway
AnimatorDifferent116 t1_jaeidqo wrote
Why do you think you can't have ANY contact at all?? I'm just curious.... have you murdered somebody in her home country, and the police is after you? Haha. Even if her parents hate you, you can still be in the picture. I dont think any country can remove visitation rights without a solid reason. My colleague's ex is an addict and criminal, and even he gets to see the kid every week
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaekm7l wrote
Rule of law isn’t as strong in every country. Just because it’s law doesn’t mean you can enforce your rights.
In the country in question I have, based on credible multiple sources, I will have essentially 0 ability for visitation
AnimatorDifferent116 t1_jaemht1 wrote
Then, unfortunately, your wife has to stay here to keep the kids. She can't take the kids out of the country without your permission. It's the law, at least in most Western countries. She has to stay, and you HAVE TO support her financially so she can keep the kids. Especially the newborn.....you'll have only visitation rights for less than two hours at a time as the baby would need to feed. Talk to her with reasons that this is the situation and you'll do your best to support her and the kids.... but she has to stay here... it sucks... I feel for her. You messed up big time... pregnancy with STI is dangerous and high risk... you even put your unborn child at risk with your mistake. Just be as kind as you can be from now on... you caused a lot of pain..
timdsmith72 t1_jaddspl wrote
Welp. I came here to say what everyone else has already said so I’ll keep it short. You cheated, you deserve the divorce. You also knew that if you did it again she would move back home and take your kid. So you deserve that too. You’re a piece of sh*t for even thinking about trying to take the kid away.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadg446 wrote
You’re not wrong with anything you said
Nalbas88 t1_jadit7v wrote
I'd rather see your wife stay and take every damn penny you have.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadiwhf wrote
It’s what I deserve
mfiirk t1_jadr2yb wrote
Then give it to her without a fight.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadrb53 wrote
That wouldn’t be what’s best for my daughter so I can’t do that.
I hate that my wife suffers because of my actions and I wish I could take it back but I can’t so I need to focus on my daughter’s upbringing
HeatherKiwi t1_jadp3tg wrote
Look. If you end up getting full custody of your daughter (which you definitely don't deserve) odds are when she grows up she will resent the fact you cheated on her mom amd gave her a STI while pregnant and still insisted on taking full custody.
Get people to meditate a custody agreement or something if you won't do the kind thing and let your wife take her. You gave your pregnant wife a STI and still think that your daughter would have a better life with you. I'm sorry but no.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadplo0 wrote
You are right. She will probably resent me when I give the the truth eventually about what happened.
That doesn’t change the fact that I think I can give her a better life than my wife could.
What my daughter decides to do when she’s an adult is out of my hands. I can only try to let her have the best upbringing possible under the circumstances (which I am aware are completely my fault)
HeatherKiwi t1_jadq4g3 wrote
Look. Money DOES NOT mean anyone would have a good life. They need love and care and to be brought up correctly. And that includes leading by example. Heck even if your daughter hears about it when she is a teen or younger you're gonna be in a world of trouble. Go for split custody at the very best (which you still dont deserve).
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadqrz3 wrote
It’s not completely about the money. It’s the whole environment.
I know that I completely ruined this family and it’s my fault. That doesn’t prevent me from giving my daughter the love and care she deserves.
She may probably decide to walk away from me at some point. I deserve it. Until then I can only give her the best upbringing I can.
I would go for split custody if I could but the wife is 100% leaving for her country so that won’t work
HeatherKiwi t1_jadr9va wrote
People still split custody in ways if they live in separate countries. Heck you could even have her over summers/holidays. Your wife has a better bond with her per your post and you want to take your daughter away from her. At this point it sounds like you are just trying to be spiteful to your wife. Your daughter will most likely walk away from you. Honestly it's not upto you about what the environment will be better or not that's your wife's home country and she should know if it's safe or not or suitable for a toddler to live.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadrztx wrote
It split custody would work id go for it but I know that when my wife gets on the plane I’m never seeing her or my daughter ever again.
My daughter is young and has a natural bond with the mother. I need to make the decision based on her entire childhood, not just her current age.
My decisions are definitely not to spite my wife. I am extremely sorry about what I have put her through and the last thing I want is to put her through more pain but I need to take the emotion out of it all and focus on what I think is best for my daughter.
She may very well end up hating me. I deserve no less. I can’t control that but I can give her the best upbringing I can and then let her make her decisions when she is old enough
HeatherKiwi t1_jadsf05 wrote
You aren't listening to any commentors. I highly doubt any judge will give you full custody when they hear you cheated on your wife when she had a baby and then gave her a STI while she is pregnant. Congrats on the future irreparable relationship with your daughter. May she have a good life with your wife and future sibling.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadtcgu wrote
I’m listening. I hear all the hate and I accept all of it. I know this is all my fault and I deserve to die alone.
I can only do what’s best for my daughter. If I end up alone it’s nothing more than what I deserve. Until then I hope I can do as much for my daughter as I can
NorthImpossible8906 t1_jadnp9z wrote
You should do 2 things ASAP.
-
get a divorce lawyer. A good one. Follow their advice completely. Fight for your daughter. What you do in the next few months is likely to be permanent. Don't make terrible decisions because you feel you deserve shit.
-
see a therapist/counsellor so you can deal with all these emotions, and stop beating yourself up.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadobnt wrote
Thank you for your advice. I will be doing this (the lawyer part).
I know what I deserve and I’ll have to work to do the best I can, knowing I created all of this mess
Midtownpatagonia t1_jacztla wrote
Hey man. I know this is going to get downvoted but please ignore these comments. People who cheat while you should be ashamed of yourself --- doesn't mean you're/you'll be a bad father.
You definitely should BE in your daughter's life. Your daughter deserve to have her father in her life. Now, you need to show her that while two people don't belong with each other --- you guys can still be a family and work together because the love for your daughter is greater.
While your wife has every right to leave, I think she is being selfish here about moving to another country while she has a kid with you. IMO -- once you have kids, it is about your kids. Kids deserve to have close proximity within reason to both of their parents.
To be honest, while yes... your mistakes ruined your marriage as it should. Cheating while selfish doesn't constitute you to lose the right to parent and be in your child's life. Hopefully, you can talk to your soon to be ex wife about this and compromise on something.
You made mistakes that caused a lot of pain and suffering for someone you married. Doesn't mean you're evil.The important thing is to be a better human. Keep your head up and don't demonize yourself too much. It's important to continue to work on yourself.
Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad0sgn wrote
Thank you. I know I have no right to ask for another chance to be in my wife’s life.
I ruined that completely and forever.
I wish more than anything that my daughter could have both my wife and I in her life, but for a number of (perfectly understandable) reasons, staying in my country is not an option for my wife.
If it becomes a choice between my country and my wife’s country I honestly think my country would be better for the upbringing of a child. I also think that I could provide a loving and supportive upbringing
I failed as a husband but I love my daughter more than anything and I honestly think that I could be a good father.
I know that nobody will ever believe it. My shame is eternal
NihilisticThrill t1_jactltv wrote
No offense, but you've already proven twice that when the chips are down and things get hard, you will do what you want to do, even if it's wrong.
All the self hatred you're feeling and expressing is understandable to be honest. You cheated, got away with it, knew the consequences if you did it again and you did it again.
Maybe it's best to let your daughter have that superior care you described.
I'm sure once upon a time your wife was the most important thing in your life, and you threw that away with little rationale. Your daughter may be the best thing in your life, but be honest with yourself. Will that protect her?