Where's the FU? Seems like you were spot on.

Not a FU

It sounds like you were being a good friend.

If anyone should be writing this in TIFU it should be your former friend after everything comes crashing down because she decided to quit being friends with you and be offended by solid advice.

They were never your friend. Sorry.

You offered solid advice, but you also F’d up.

The FU was in the “So I told her some nasty things I’d heard about her boyfriend and doubled down on the recommendation to seek therapy” bit. You’ve now cheapened the therapy rec by tying it to some petty gossip. (It might not be petty gossip, and sounds like it wasn’t, but if she’s not ready to hear it then that’s how her filter/rose-colored glasses will perceive it)

It’s a very minor FU, and I don’t think it changes anything, ultimately. But it does mask the very true and enduring need for therapeutic help with your momentary frustration and ire.

NTA

Sounds like your friend needs therapy.

I do feel bad about my reaction to her cutting me out - it was fairly knee-jerk. I don't think there was a hope for her going anyways, not after her initial response.

Recommending therapy wasn't a FU. A lot of millenials, especially older millenials, still feel like getting therapy or seeing a psychiatrist means you're "crazy" or having it recommended means you think they're "crazy." It's not the case, but that's a perception some people still have, even if it's outdated.

It does sound like she needs therapy, and she probably should have had it before getting with someone who it sounds like may be a manipulative scumbag. Unfortunately, with those unresolved issues, she may be clinging to this manufactured "happiness" and throwing friendships out the window. I wouldn't be surprised if you hear from her years down the road about how big of a mistake that was and she wants to reconcile.

I stand by my recommendation, but I wonder if I should have been more... aware of her personality, recognizing the very real possibility that she would react poorly.

Also, they way she sees it, she was always there for me - but the one time she asked for advice, my response was "go get therapy." I can see how she would feel slighted.

I would like that ending to the story, but she is also terribly stubborn. Ah well.

One strongly suspects pertinent details have been left out of this account.

As someone who has had the word "therapy" thrown at me by somebody who I thought was a friend and who had 0 idea how hard it is to find a decent therapist, you could not have done much worse. Women don't want a man to solve their problems, they want them to listen.

Ask away, I've given a synopsis and fessed up my sins. I can clarify anything else for you.

The difficulties of finding a decent therapist doesn't not cancel the fact that you may need therapy..

Seeing a therapist doesn't mean you are crazy.

You just rejected a friend that wanted to help you.

« Women don't want a man to solve their problems, they want them to listen.»

Why not both?

Dysfunctional women just want to rant at you and not hear any actual advice or feedback. That’s not all women.

I'm not sure why you're getting downvoted - if someone is coming to you to offload/release mental pressure, you should always ask if they want an ear or advice. Although, if a man could solve my problems and I wanted advice I'd be down to listen lol.

Was years ago, and you said what you said because you tried to be there for them, but in the end couldn't. Anyone who is suicidal should seek professional help- in whatever form that takes.

When your mental health is shit, you're not in the best position to be any help to others.

In the past I've told people to seek help, and people have told me to also. I've never held it against them or vice versa.

Recommending therapy to someone can be really offensive, especially if they actually do need therapy.

But I’m also going to assume you didn’t apologize for offending her, and making it clear why you recommended it, and made significant effort to rectify it.

Was it a fuck up? Doesn’t seem like it. I don’t get any indication that losing her as a friend is a big deal. If losing her was, then the fuck up is not taking offending her more seriously. I mean, you offended her, then waited for her to reach back out?

If I’m off base, my apologies. Bring on the downvotes!

You sound like you need therapy..

Did you borrow the bf rent money?

Thanks for your thoughts! Your timeline is a little off.

First, I recommended therapy and she freaked, but we made up. A few years later, after a couple other bumps, she cuts me out specifically citing the recommendation as her #1 reason.

I did apologize and attempt to make up for the first infraction. I thought we were fine. Guess not!

I truly don’t understand that. I don’t understand why a person would explain there problems and then not want help or the answer to there problems. It just doesn’t make any sense.

The ending of the story seems a bit of a fuck up. It sounded like you got hurt by her so you just resorted to insulting her boyfriend and her. Not how you should treat friends.

You're being downvoted because Reddit, but yes, there's something incredibly lazy and cruel (not to mention antithetical to therapy, which it waters down to the point of meaninglessness) about the blunt-force way therapy-speak is wielded in the TikTok era.

Other way around - you're right I left these details out, didn't seem pertinent. I'll explain a bit.

Just after they started dating, I agreed to let the boyfriend move in with me. K said she would side with me if there were ever any problems.

There were problems almost immediately, he barely paid any rent for the first three months. Rather than siding with me, K allowed the boyfriend to move in with her for free.

To both of their credit, he did pay me back eventually. It just took a lot of reminding, a lot of him guilt tripping me, and 10 months.

I did! I'm not proud of it.

Have you ever heard how programmers use rubber ducks? When they come to a standstill with a coding problem, they explain the code line by line to the duck. By doing this, they usually find their mistake in the code and are able to rectify it.

Same concept.

Hm, I was about to throw out something about the wanting to listen bit, but seeing that, maybe not...

It's no different than sending thoughts and prayers. It doesn't actually do anything but makes the person sending/saying it feel better.

I probably need therapy. I also need someone to complain to.

[deleted]

therapists are good for complaining to

Your friend sounds like it's possible they have something that is complicating their mood stability and feeding into unhealthy coping mechanisms... probably something like Borderline Personality Disorder, and I offer that only because the OP's description is freakishly similar to a close friend who had that Dx and when she was sometimes unable to afford her medication, she quickly spiralled into her own personal doom. Same meltdowns, "my life is over" sort of stuff all the time... constantly in a state of imminent abandonment and overall chaos... Dated the worst types of guys who were never going to treat her properly or allow her to be herself fully... so it was just constant fighting and conflict.

Since then I also went back to school for psych and so I got a lot of useful education that helped me understand how much of what she was doing was really not within her ability to avoid doing. So no, OP, you did not FU here. Your friend needs help, regardless of what the formal Dx would be... as her behavior is not indicating she's in a good place and she's engaging in some degree of self-harm even if it's just financially.

My friend is doing great now, btw. Found a very kind partner, got married, had a kid... once she got herself back on track and the right meds/therapy. Assuming there is a legit psych reason for her unstable behavior... there IS hope things will sort themselves out.

If your friend gets themselves under the care of someone who can help them see they are not living their best life by allowing their dysfunction to rule their chance at happiness... then a lot of the other stuff should fade into yesterday and leave room for a much more stable tomorrow.

Find a rubber duck then.

Quit dumping your life story/trauma onto others who are openly ill-equipped to handle your shit, then consider them unfriendly for saying so. Friends can support you without being a pillar for you to lean on and use, and it's not everybody else's job to process things for you, that's why people get paid to do it.

Gotcha. It’s a case of she never forgave you. Ok, I take it all back.

Fuck that, you don’t need the kind of person to lead you into thinking you are good when you are not.

People are seriously downvoting me making two "I" statements? That says a lot more about them than it does about me.