Sigh ngl if it was just pure friendship type thing Sabrina wouldn't have even guessed. But she was suspicious of things that made her ask this. Maybe your behaviour and all might seem only platonic to you guys but for others it must be obvious that there is/was something going on between you all.

Contrary to what so many people believe - it is indeed possible to stop sleeping with people, and still remain friends.

You did not F-Up. Do not push away Jake and Lena. Talk to them. Let them help you through this like the close friends that they are.

We men have a horrible habit of suffering alone through shit like this. We don’t have to. I know this really sucks for you right now, everything hurts, and pushing people away seems like the right idea. But you really don’t have to do that.

I only think you fucked up by hiding it.

Many women are also still friends with people they’ve been intimate with in the past, so I don’t think it will be as hard as you think to find someone who is OK with it. Just be up front next time if you decide to keep those friends in your life.

I don't necessarily think you need to cut them off your life, the biggest fuck up was probably not telling her. It might have gone more smoothly if she wasn't left in doubt and suspicion.

How could you NOT be honest with "the most wonderful woman I have ever met."?!

There is nothing wrong with staying friends with past lovers. New partners are allowed to accept that or NOT to accept that.

Yes, that requires a type of confrontation and courage to discuss it. But for love of god, that was "most wonderful woman I have ever met.". She was worth taking a chance. And you cowarded.

My piece of advice regarding this scenario and scenarios like it: When in doubt, reverse the situation.

(I wish I could give this advice to Sabrina, as well. Did she not have a past before you?)

Different people have different thresholds for these things. I am friends with exes, and made it clear to my partner when I met him that I am friends with them. The reason I do not hang out with them alone anymore is simply because, if I reverse it in my mind, it makes me uncomfortable. I tell them honestly: "You are still my friend, but I respect my partner and in his position I'd feel like shit." This does not mean see-you-never, but it sure helps me feel I have been respectful, honest and maintained my own integrity. These are key values for me. Yours might be different.

So ask yourself: What are the values you hold for yourself? Your life? Your relationships?

Before I turn into a self-help nut, I just strongly feel that identifying these before going into and during any human relationship (romantic and otherwise) helps you curate stronger life experiences for yourself, and in my experience also makes for deeper, more trusted connections with others. If that's something you want.

You fucked up, but not where you think. Lying (even by omission) to your new partner that you had sex with friends is the fuck up. Good relationships can't be based on lies, but many people can understand being friends with exes

You completely turned a didn't fuck up into a fuck up. You have the title completely wrong. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings but...

You should have been honest with Sabrina from the get go, at least found a way to tell her yourself sooner.

The rest depends on your behavior - were you explicitly platonic with your ex fuck buddies? Then she is projecting her own insecurities on you and that's not ok.

Did you remain flirty and sexual with them? In that case it is on you. You don't have to cut all ties with Jake and Lena, just make it clear that anything sexual that happened between you is in the past and your relationship from now on is strictly platonic. And act like it.

What you did is called a lie of omission. You did fuck up. Not by remaining friends but by not telling someone you entered into a relationship with that you had sex with someone you currently lived with, and two people you spend time with on a regular basis. Don't do that again. You should remain friends with your ex-fuck buddies or ex-lovers or whatever term you use (not trying to be offensive). You'll need them. But next time you want to enter a long-term/serious relationship with someone you need to be honest. You need to let them know you used to fuck your friends, for a long time, so the new person can decide if they want to be in a relationship with so many strings attached.

How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? I don't think your girlfriend will take you back and I hope she doesn't. You hid something huge from her because you didn't think she would accept it. She will never forget this and will always wonder what else you're hiding or if you'll hide other important things in the future. That's a feeling you should pay attention to in the future. That was the clue that you were doing something you knew wasn't right. I'm not going to give you points for finally admitting to something she should have known about before the two of you got serious.

Try to work on feeling better, know what to do in the future. We all fuck up. Learning from it and being better in the future is the best thing you can do.

You are not require to devulge every bit of your sexual history to a current partner. You were no longer in a sexual relatioship with these friends. You were honest when Sabrina asked about your history with these friends. Her getting a bit upset/uncomfortable is SOMEWHAT understandable but it also doesn't mean you did anything wrong or inappropriate.

All those who are saying you did the right thing by hiding it are sick tbh. You should have told her in the beginning bc these things definitely matter. And if you think it's hideous then maybe don't engage in it well that's upto your partner how comfortable they are with a partner who has been in a polygamous relationship. You literally fucked up but pushing away your friends is even worse. You should talk to them and sort it out

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You should have told her upfront, that was your only fuckup. Don't push away your friends because of your mistake, and you need the support. On your next try, after you get to know someone and they meet your friends let them know that happened. It may be a deal breaker for some people if you tell them upfront, but that just means they're not right for you.

Honesty would have saved all of this. If you were up front Sabrina would either be able to trust you and it not be an issue or it would have ruined things at the beginning. When both of you didn’t have developed feelings.

I wouldn’t have a problem with a partner hanging around old flings unless they gave me a reason to have a problem. Not telling me about it is one of the reasons to have a problem.

I definitely feel like you guys are not as platonic as you think, I have never asked my partner if he ever slept with his best friends (both m/f), because I never felt any sexual energy between them. You just need to be up front with your next partner, and maybe work with your friends to remove this sexual energy between you guys if you want the relationship to be a truly platonic friendship.

Good for Sabrina.

Yeah, the fuck up was not telling her much sooner. Good luck, hope you can work it out. Updateme!

i know this is a complicated issue, but i do hope you know that, while you have every right to feel the way you do, you didn't do anything wrong.

at least the way you put it, it sounds like it was just a complicated and hard situation. it sucks that it turned out the way it did, but it sounds like you handled it the best possible way.
she may be uncomfortable with you being friends with past partners, but that doesn't really make it bad, but i'm also not saying that she wasn't right to feel that way. it's a personal preference, and you guys just happened to clash on that one.

i hope everything works out, bud. i really do.

OMG YOU HAD SEX???!!!11

Unless Sabrina has only slept with OP, there is high likelihood she's been in some contact with someone else she's fucked in her past. I don't see him freaking the fuck out about that. The problem I see here is Sabrina. She's not entitled to information about his past what so ever, so long has his behavior with her once they are together isn't negatively impacted by that past. So if he can be friends without letting the romantic shit linger in a disrespectful way to Sabrina it's really not her business where OPs dick once went. Now I think OP was generous by offering the full truth, he wasn't obligated to do so but he wanted to not have omissions between them and that's a good thing. The fact Sabrina can't handle OPs truth is again her fuck up not his, not Jake not Lena. I'm my opinion he should give Sabrina space, let her decide if her insecurities about him having friends with an intimate past, that he's willing to be honest about with her, is a deal breaker. If she can't handle who OP is she either 1 shouldn't ask and 2 shouldnt try to make him feel bad about her fear the he'll prefer them to her. Look how OP writes about all of them, he adores Sabrina and if she can't see that she's blinded by her own insecurity. He's hurt bad by losing these two close friends, and Sabrina's insecurity and jealousy is the root of that pain. The problem isn't anyone here but Sabrina.

My opinion, let her go, keep the friends. If she comes back maybe you all can set some very loose ground rules for a little while that let Sabrina feel like the past is the past and she doesn't need to worry about an intimate future between the friends. Or they should just fucking include her too and make a big happy intimate friendship group. What OP is suggested though, that's the thought process of someone that's been manipulated by the insecurities of another. I repeat, Sabrina is the only problem here. It doesn't sound like anyone else did anything wrong. Their past together makes one person uncomfortable so now all three of them have to suffer? F Sabrina.

There has been more than one time in my life where I had to ask myself if I should tell my SO that I slept with a friend/coworker, and most of the time I’ve elected not to mention it because it doesn’t matter and serves only to make my SO jealous.

I pretty much decided if SO is going to be around the friends in question I have a history with more than once or twice, then I would tell them so they don’t feel dumb being the only person in the room who doesn’t know. If Jake and Lena weren’t still a big part of your life I’d say you were fine but I would’ve said something sooner since they continued to be. Sounds like you understand that though and I’m sure not telling Sabrina was coming at least partially from a good place of not wanting to hurt her.

Of all relationship fuck ups this really isn’t bad, I think everyone makes a mistake like this at some point in their life. Sorry you’re feeling this way, but try not to be too hard on yourself.

I don't think you were wrong for initially keeping them as friends, just like she also wasn't in the wrong for being uncomfortable with it. It's a matter of personal boundaries, and that's where honesty and communication come in which is what you lacked. I also hope you know that there's plenty of wonderful people in the world that won't be put off by stuff like that, even though your choice of not putting Sabrina or any future partners in that position is also perfectly valid.

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>“How could you keep it a secret from me”

Its your decision what information you make known to anybody. That doesn't make everything you don't say a secret, just private. She is not owed all and every piece of information about your history because of the nature of her relationship to you. Absolutely OK and understandable to keep this and other things private imo. You are still allowed to be an individual in your relationships.

>“How could you allow me to sit in discomfort and suspicions for this long”

If she was feeling discomfort, its on her to voice it. It makes no sense to remaining suspicious if you haven't even tried to ask the question.

>“How could you be alone multiple times with past partners and think it was okay”

I think its OK. I think it comes down to personal boundaries and trust. If you don't have it, you don't have a stable relationship. You were holding up your end of the monogamy deal. If she doesn't trust you, that's on her.

>All her questions were justified, all her emotions valid.

Ehh, valid is a strong word. I would say they are understandable, but there is too much projection of her own insecurity for this to smell valid to me. I certainly understand her shock and hesitance to ask and accept the situation, and you could have seen it coming and headed the problem off differently, but I think cutting contact with two good friends because of a partners insecurity is always the wrong move. Pushing people away for the benefit of others is how men end up alone. Think of yourself first.

>If Sabrina doesn’t come back and I remain close with Jake and Lena; what happens if ever I enter another relationship? Do I lie for longer?

You didn't lie the first time. But you can certainly see now how keeping your information private that you know will cause pain in the future is not the best call. Just do it sooner before it becomes a big shock, and probably maintain stricter personal boundaries. I operate on the principle that if someone knows enough to ask a question, then they deserve to know a 'complete enough' truth. How complete is up to my (high, I think) moral standards, as long as it isn't so incomplete to be misleading. Your situation is not something I would reveal on a first meeting, but pretty soon after compatibility is established to give them the opportunity to judge if it is compatible with their standards of what is acceptable behaviour/boundaries in their relationships.

Yeah kinda obligated to tell your serious relationship you were the sexual training wheel of their couple and you still hang out as besties.

I was this girl too. Found out my boyfriends secret past intimacy with people he stayed friends with. I can’t even tell you how deep it cut. I’ve known for maybe a year now and goddamn it still hurts.

The only reason I didn’t leave was because he had very minimal contact with said friend and it happened years ago. I would have left if I didn’t truly believe that he lied by omission because he was trying to spare my feelings rather than be sneaky and hurtful AND cut off all contact with said person without me having to ask.

I hope she leaves you for good.

I left my ex boyfriend because he was too close friend his a former FWB. He told me to deal with it. I chose my mental health over him. The worst part was in the beginning of our relationship, he said he would cut her off for his own future. Then he blame me for being controlling. It still hurt me deeply everytime I think about it. Once you make up your mind, you have to stick to that decision. Cut them or not, stay with your decision or you will be the biggest asshole.

Your FU was not disclosing that info earlier without being asked. IMHO you would be disservicing yourself by letting go of two people who are so special to you to avoid 'possible' discomfort in future relationships. Just be upfront from now on and let people decide for themselves if they are secure with you still maintaining friendships with ppl you have a srxual history with. As long as you are no longer keeping secrets I don't see how this would be a problem going forward.

Ok, answer me this:

When was the correct time to tell her?

Was there ever, at any point, a time when that information would have been well received?

I’m guessing you’re having trouble answering that.

The fact is, people have pasts. And if you want to be with another person, those pasts are going to be there. And you both have to be okay with whatever happens to be in one another’s pasts.

No lie was ever told. Would the truth ever have been accepted? Or would that have been a dealbreaker no matter when you told her?

Sometimes there just isn’t a right answer.

You have built things at an advanced level with your friends. You then bring in a vanilla partner who cannot cope with the situation. You have to decide if you want to stay at a certain level or go down to the pre level if that makes sense. Lesson learned.

>How could you be alone multiple times with past partners and think it was okay”

hon, this is obsessive behaviour and not okay on her part. You can't be in their company anymore? You haven't done anything with them, you've been loyal to her. This isn't something you tell a partner out of the blue. She needs to understand that.

I don't really understand why you'd damage, or outright ruin good friendships over this. You didn't really hide it or lie, you just really didn't feel it mattered and she did. Kind of dumb really, not like you're actively sleeping around behind her back.

It's your decision to make, but throwing away your closest friends for one intimate partner that might not work out is a pretty bad bet. Even if you win the girl, you've lost two friends, both of who were intimate with you. You lose even if you win.

Good luck though. Hope you get whatever it is you think is a positive out of all of this negative. The real fuck up was the conclusion you somehow kept coming to and followed through with.

I think sabrina will come back and if not you should stay with Lena and Jake cause they seem pretty chilled, I understand that it hurts to think that you potentially lost the love of your life but on the other hand if you will ever meet someone similar than you could just make thinks clear and start with telling the truth about lena jake and you. If she understands it and has no Problem with it them thats the girl for you.

I don’t know OP, I think it’s actually better to keep your friends instead of distancing yourself.

Perhaps hiding it was wrong but I don’t think you did anything that bad.

This is also why I just don’t ask my partner’s history, there’s no need for unnecessary pain or doubt 🤷‍♂️

You could have just lied about it if she asks.

Honestly the only fuckup I can see here is that you're pushing Jake and Lena away. Did you hide your past from Sabrina? No, when she asked, you were honest. Do you have to run around and tell every possible GF about fucking around with your friends in the past? For me, also no. The only question is, if Sabrina can live with what happened between the three of you or not. Maybe give her some time to think about all of this and reassure her, that those things are in the past.

You didn't "hide" anything. Telling her right off the bat would have been over-sharing. Why the hell would your tell an amazing girl you just started dating about your recent threesomes?

That being said, once you enter into things that aren't cultural norms, you have to accept the consequences as well. You can say all you want about how there's nothing wrong with the casual threesomes, but it speaks volumes that you told your friends about your newfound monogamy and they asked what it meant to your prior open relationship with them.

I'd hazard a guess that there's plenty of reason for your gf's suspicions... It's hardly a normal guess to make. So you weren't wrong for "hiding" it (it happened before her and you told her when she asked), but you arguably were wrong for staying friends with the two of them when there was quite obviously signals being passed back and forth that made your gf uncomfortable. You should have shut that shit down out of respect for your monogamous relationship... She deserves that.

My best mate is someone I was intimate with and my fiancé knows. Your FU was secrets instead of addressing it early and letting them know you chose them and will continue to do so.

she sounds like a loser. I'd go back to having threesomes with lena and jack tbh

How sad. Polygamy is a disgrace to humanity :( hope you learned your lesson though. We live and we learn