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Mindofthequill t1_j8b5d7a wrote

If it makes you feel any better yesterday I went home early yesterday because I had a panic attack at work and broke down crying in front of the store manager and my team leader.

I suffer from schizophrenia and rely on auditory aides like music and audio books to remain calm in stressful situations. On Friday they told me I could no longer listen to music. Saturday rolls around and it's just me, the department and a fuck ton of customers stressing me out.

Every day I listen to auditory hallucinations telling me to kill myself. Normally I can ignore it with help from music or audio books but without them in an environment surrounded by people I don't know the hallucinations get really loud and start to sound like those around me and it's honestly terrifying.

I really don't want to go back in on my next shift on Tuesday because I feel like some sort of freakshow after someone sees me at an all time low.

Life can suck, we all struggle with something I feel. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others. I know in truth I think if you can find yourself surrounded by people who will listen to you talk about your dark times and don't judge you for it then you've found good people. I think I've found myself with some good people like that and I know I need to trust them to not judge me, it's just hard. I hope you can think you've found those good people too.

If you go in on Monday let me know, cuz honestly I'll go in on Tuesday too. Brothers in arms if you will. We have to try and get up when we stumble right?

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Costco-Samples t1_j8bcpbh wrote

I’m sorry you have to deal with that. My mom suffers from schizophrenia and got 51/50 at work from similar experiences. You guys deal with so much that people could never understand. Sometimes I can forget what my mom has because she deals with it so well.

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Mindofthequill t1_j8bdvmw wrote

Yeah some of us have a lot better control of the symptoms and can remain relatively functional. Others are unfortunately way worse off so every time I get this way I have to force myself to remember I'm still quite lucky in the long run I suppose.

It's a struggle though, sometimes feels like I'm constantly fighting an uphill battle. Like I want to get through classes but my brain is starting to struggle to keep up with the advanced content. I'm 30 but it's just so tough sometimes to focus on the material and push myself to keep going.

Have actually been out if college for a whole year at this point and am kind of scared to go back. I want to achieve more but my push and desire to accomplish stuff has just been diminishing lately. Hopefully next semester I can get back on and go. I also just think my younger brothers passing just hit me a lot harder than I thought. He always wanted more and more and it was inspiring to watch but turns out he was struggling with his own demons and addiction got the better of him.

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pathoj3nn t1_j8brli8 wrote

Can you get a document from a medical professional stating that you need the auditory aides? This 100% needs an accommodation.

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Mindofthequill t1_j8bsw3v wrote

Currently attempting to actually. I had one made for university but never really thought about it for work because for 3 years they just let me play music and then suddenly nope. Not okay. "I could hurt myself with a single earbud in. The speaker in the department (which you can't hear outside of the department) clashes with the stores music it'll confuse our customers. "

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Silvawuff t1_j8c9578 wrote

Can you wear a hat? Preferably one that covers your ears so they can’t see the earbud.

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Mindofthequill t1_j8c9bcj wrote

Well a hat yes, but I work at Wegmans. They have a dress code and I dunno if I could handle wearing a beanie next to ovens

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pathoj3nn t1_j8ce3fi wrote

I hope you’re able to work everything out soon.

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Costco-Samples t1_j8bs9zt wrote

I’m sorry for your lost. It hits hard when we lose someone close to us. There presence can give us a sense of perspective in this life, so once it’s gone, it can Drastically impact us. Please stay strong. I believe on you!

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Mindofthequill t1_j8b7vfr wrote

Also sorry I kinda edited my post a couple times because well honestly it kind of helped me work out some of my own hesitation

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