Work is work. You gotta face it at some point. Everyone makes mistakes, and yours (so far) hasn't taken out production. You might get the odd awkward conversation at the coffee machine but everyone will have forgotten it by next Monday. Unless someone asks you, don't brink it back up or overcomplicated things your friends say. Maybe take this to heart as a reason to limit your intake next time.

Don't ever get plastered with coworkers or anyone else you may not want to know about your personal life.

You will be okay.

Did you f up though, or did you finally say out loud the thing you've been trying to hide, and now you might be able to get some help for?

Sounds like you found people you trust enough to get that weight off your shoulders. Hopefully they don't turn it against you. Only advice I can give is if you haven't already, THOROUGHLY apologize even if they say it's okay or not a big deal. What you said might have cut deep. Let them know you didn't mean to undermine that pain.

Yup, that's a proper fu. If I'm your coworker, I'm not positive you'll be there the next day. Or the next. My brother took a train exit. Traumatized a first time engineer, because a lot of people take the train exit, but it was his first run. Pieces of my brother were scattered for quite a way along the track.

If you're actively suicidal, I hope you look into whatever seems like it could help for you. There are things in life worth sticking around for.

If something needs said, something like, "Yeah, sometimes I get sad, and one of my coping mechanisms is dark humor. Don't worry, if I don't show up to work, it'll be because I got a better job that pays more, har har."

This reminds me of the time a handful of years ago, I (jokingly?) told my entire team at work that I needed to high priority get an ezpass for the tolls on the thruway because, I "was tired of having to stop sobbing and pull myself together everytime I came up on the toll worker on my way home." They all looked a touch horrified. Didn't even have the excuse of being drunk. Noone acted any different towards me the next day. My dark-somewhat-accurate slip kinda put in real world perspective shit was not ok, internally. I hope things start turning upwards for you, that you aren't carrying these heavy feelings around much longer. Long and happy life, friend

You shared an evening of honesty and vulnerability with the people who you trust and spend most of your day with. That's not something to be ashamed of, or to dread.

Having been in a depressive and suicidal place before, I can understand the guilt and shame you might feel for having voiced those thoughts with people. I really can. Those feelings are put on you by your own mind though, not by the people around you. No one wants you to feel ashamed of this.

Now, being in a better place, I can say with complete confidence that if anyone I knew (be them a friend, a colleague or even an acquaintance) shared similar notions or thoughts with me i would not respond negatively. I would take the opportunity to be more supportive and friendly with them. Sharing is a huge deal, and you might have done it drunk but I'm still proud of you because it takes guts to tell people where you're at.

Anyone who treats you differently does so because they don't know how to act or respond. Not because they dislike you, or think you're dramatic or attention seeking. Everyone knows someone who lost their fight, your colleagues uncle, a friend, a family member. It's common, and likely this is not anyone's first 'exposure' to depression and suicide.

You have a great opportunity now to get some support and help through work. You can, and should apologize for drinking excessively, potentially making people uncomfortable or taking them off guard. But that's not apologizing for how you have been feeling, or for sharing. You've done a thing just as brave as stepping into the train.

Your work may have access to employee counselling they can hook you up with. Which you should use. You don't need to broach the subject with your colleagues if you are not comfortable. They will likely let it lie, leaving you to take the lead on continued or ceased dialogue. And that is not pretending that you never said anything, that is a kindness of letting you process and/or guide any more conversation.

You don't need to broach it if you don't want to. You can maintain your relationships as they are now, unchanged, if that is what you want and need.

OP, I hope you are okay. Feel free to PM me if you want to :)

If it makes you feel any better yesterday I went home early yesterday because I had a panic attack at work and broke down crying in front of the store manager and my team leader.

I suffer from schizophrenia and rely on auditory aides like music and audio books to remain calm in stressful situations. On Friday they told me I could no longer listen to music. Saturday rolls around and it's just me, the department and a fuck ton of customers stressing me out.

Every day I listen to auditory hallucinations telling me to kill myself. Normally I can ignore it with help from music or audio books but without them in an environment surrounded by people I don't know the hallucinations get really loud and start to sound like those around me and it's honestly terrifying.

I really don't want to go back in on my next shift on Tuesday because I feel like some sort of freakshow after someone sees me at an all time low.

Life can suck, we all struggle with something I feel. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others. I know in truth I think if you can find yourself surrounded by people who will listen to you talk about your dark times and don't judge you for it then you've found good people. I think I've found myself with some good people like that and I know I need to trust them to not judge me, it's just hard. I hope you can think you've found those good people too.

If you go in on Monday let me know, cuz honestly I'll go in on Tuesday too. Brothers in arms if you will. We have to try and get up when we stumble right?

Also sorry I kinda edited my post a couple times because well honestly it kind of helped me work out some of my own hesitation

I’m sorry you have to deal with that. My mom suffers from schizophrenia and got 51/50 at work from similar experiences. You guys deal with so much that people could never understand. Sometimes I can forget what my mom has because she deals with it so well.

The first step would be to cut the booze out of your life because that is literally fuel on the fire when it comes to depression. Step two is to try and figure out when the depression started to set in and ask yourself what about you and your life changed during that time. To give you a personal example, my depression started when I went broke trying to go to school and ended up in debt after not completing school made me feel like a failure twice over plus compounded by the fact I worked a minimum wage job that was stressful and barely covered my bills. I ended up spending money I couldn't afford to, so I could escape the existence of feeling like a failure but in the end, I always had to wake up to the reality of feeling like a failure just more broke than I was the day before. Step three is definitely therapy and learning your worth through self-love and healing the toxic mindset that you are lacking because you don't measure up to some unrealistic societal pressure that was never your responsibility to meet, whether that be in love, career, or health. So learn to manage your expectations for yourself so that you can better manage the expectations that other people will inevitably try to force upon you. Best wishes on being the person you want to be not the one you're expected to be.

Yeah some of us have a lot better control of the symptoms and can remain relatively functional. Others are unfortunately way worse off so every time I get this way I have to force myself to remember I'm still quite lucky in the long run I suppose.

It's a struggle though, sometimes feels like I'm constantly fighting an uphill battle. Like I want to get through classes but my brain is starting to struggle to keep up with the advanced content. I'm 30 but it's just so tough sometimes to focus on the material and push myself to keep going.

Have actually been out if college for a whole year at this point and am kind of scared to go back. I want to achieve more but my push and desire to accomplish stuff has just been diminishing lately. Hopefully next semester I can get back on and go. I also just think my younger brothers passing just hit me a lot harder than I thought. He always wanted more and more and it was inspiring to watch but turns out he was struggling with his own demons and addiction got the better of him.

Great projection!

Yeah, of all the mad shit I've seen, or even done myself, while drunk in front of colleagues, this sounds about a 3/10 in terms of how much of a drunken disaster it was. It will be pretty much forgotten by the end of the week.

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Hey man, don't beat yourself up too much. In the future, only drink with those that you can confide in. I'm a very emotional drunk and I get it. Second, get some help buddy. Or at least promise me you'll look into it. I just started meds and regular therapy sessions. I do feel better. Do your best to change what you can. I'm rooting for you man. PM if you want to.

Just sharing a personal experience and hopefully, some helpful information. That doesn't mean people have to take it or even read it, and that is what is awesome about reddit.

Give yourself grace. Lots of people would’ve ended up in a fist-fight after that much alcohol. All you did was let others see your vulnerability. You’re human. This too shall pass.

It’s about to be an awkward Monday at work tomorrow

Can you get a document from a medical professional stating that you need the auditory aides? This 100% needs an accommodation.

I’m sorry for your lost. It hits hard when we lose someone close to us. There presence can give us a sense of perspective in this life, so once it’s gone, it can Drastically impact us. Please stay strong. I believe on you!

Currently attempting to actually. I had one made for university but never really thought about it for work because for 3 years they just let me play music and then suddenly nope. Not okay. "I could hurt myself with a single earbud in. The speaker in the department (which you can't hear outside of the department) clashes with the stores music it'll confuse our customers. "

I'm retired! Lol

I hear you!

I was the work goofball and when shit hit the fan and folks were stressed out they usually looked to me lighten the mood (usually…)

Well things got really stressful at work and I was dealing with some personal stuff and they were having some team meeting trauma bond shit. Like everybody take turns talking about a challenge, or someone you miss (you get the gist). The get to me and everyone’s waiting for me to say something silly (I said I was grateful for all day McDonald’s breakfast at the last company thanksgiving). And I actually tried but all that came out was something like “my greatest challenge is finding the will to care, or I miss who I was before the weight of the world crushed my spirit” (you get the gist).

Everyone just looked uncomfortably at the floor until the moved on to the next person.

It got better for me, hope it got better for you

Talk to your boss - that is a reasonable accommodation provided you can still perform your job well. Noise machines are considered a reasonable accommodation, why not music/audiobooks? https://askjan.org/disabilities/Schizophrenia.cfm

I'm glad it turned around for you, it absolutely did for me too. I think it's an inherent part of being human, to have these spans in life where everything gets dark time and again. Goes to show, sometimes all you can do is just keep going, eventually the fever will break. "The only way out is through"

Man, I just don't see the appeal of getting drunk

What do you have to be ashamed of? That sounds like just the truth being said

How you doing now?

I hope you'd get some professional help. Antidepressants aren't that uncommon now. You'd be surprised how many people are taking it. Hope you'd you alright.

Edit: I don't think you FUp, you just expressed your deepest thoughts, which I think helps you.

Can you wear a hat? Preferably one that covers your ears so they can’t see the earbud.

Well a hat yes, but I work at Wegmans. They have a dress code and I dunno if I could handle wearing a beanie next to ovens

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I don't really see the problem. No real reason to actively keep depression a secret, its common and besides you were drunk so you could have said worse.

Don’t do it if you can possibly avoid it. I had a mental health crisis and crashed hard. I had been very transparent about my struggle leading into, so many people were not surprised. I brought a work project down (it got delayed) with me, and although my colleagues were amazing, the organizational leaders were not. My recovery has involved a reduced work schedule, and they demoted me as far as they possibly could, and basically disappeared me so I am totally isolated from my work community of a decade - yes, a decade.

It is an illness like any other but I 100% feel like it would hurt my career to share too much.

I hope you’re able to work everything out soon.

Well...it sounds like everyone was down to get good and messed up here given the amount of booze, and different types of booze presented in your case. My ruling is you're probably gonna be in the clear. I remember getting good and fucked up at a few holiday parties at my old job. I was witness to one co-worker puking in my boss's flower garden off the front porch lol. Walking out the front door to peace out, "Dave" was just hurling into that flower bed full boar and just hap-hazardly tried to waive bye to me mid puke stream lol. Anyway he was very much not fired.

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Easy and garbage solution: Just go to work drunk, The shame will wash right off.

I’m 54 years old and have had life-long, treatment-resistant depression. Firstly, don’t sweat it. Really. What’s done is done and all you can do is move forward. Secondly, I have been completely unaware of the number of treatment options for depression that exist. I had long ago resigned to the idea that it will be with me for the rest of my life. Until a few months ago, that is. I have now lined up my treatments to begin over the next few weeks. Those are rTMS, ketamine and ketogenic lifestyle. Once I finish the treatments, or during, I will add meditation, weight training and cardio. What opened my eyes to what I was unaware of for so long are the following two podcasts:

https://youtu.be/Xu1FMCxoEFc

https://youtu.be/xjEFo3a1AnI

I am going to war on depression. Fuck depression.

As someone who lost a friend It really annoys me to see “god I wish I was that brave” used, as another friend told me the exact same thing. Its so frustrating but I get it. I only hope there are people to help you through your situation.

Rule #134: Never socialize with coworkers

Hey man, sorry to hear that you're struggling with depression. I can relate, quite much. But, you stated a thing, that's quite impressive to me. You won a Hackaton! That's some serious goddamn praise to you and your team, you should savor it much more than you're doing! As a nerdy soul as I am (working in a different field now, but I spent many years studying computer engineering), that would have been AWESOME, if I had the chance to do it with a good team! I know this can sound too simple, but truly, try to savor more of the beautiful and good things your life is offering, and try to let aside the bad things. And as other said before, try to cut with the booze. I'm not one to say "stay forever sober": me too, I like some fine beer or wine, from time to time. But when things get out of control, you are risking to hurt yourself (you are doing self-harm unconsciously, try to focus on this and accept it, then you'll be able to change it). Hope you have better days! And damn, still congrats on your Hackaton! 🎉🎊

Sharing my story... I've got issues and was upfront with my manager about some of it. Few years ago she and another coworker found out a few more. Honestly I only stay because how understanding my SM is, my assistant manager can suck an egg... few weeks ago I was running a High fever and the Monday after finally saying something the AM tried outdo8ng me by saying she ran a higher fever... my response was b.s. the SM is a second mom to me since I came clean about the issues though.

People can be reeeelatively chill about depression, anxiety or ADHD, but the closer you get to what people think of as "crazy" the riskier it gets, even if completely managed - bipolar, schizophrenia etc. I think I would only disclose if I intended to get active in mental health advocacy within the company/industry, and not if I just wanted to do my job, or had ambitions above my current role... Because it will definitely make life harder. It sucks, but mental health discrimination is insidious and rife. 😞

Maybe it's time to pass on the alcohol and get a mountain bike.

No one really understands what a burden being “the funny one” is. We aren’t funny because we want to me or because we’re “naturally talented”. It’s born out necessity and comes at a price we don’t talk about. It’s manageable until something like COVID happens and suddenly everyone is leaning on you. How are you supposed to tell the people who have depended on you on and off forever that their standard precedent needs a break? They can’t handle it. You can’t handle it. It’s just broken pieces of everyone everywhere.

I like being witty/funny, and I understand the cost, but damn if I don’t just want to curl up with a book or ten and hide from the world sometimes. There are times when Voldemort doesn’t seem to bad lol

Ahh

The Tears of a Clown

Hugs to you fellow Pagliacci

Ouch.

But, still, not really a fuck up. Most people will/would be concerned, although fear of not knowing what to say might make them avoid the topic.

Either way, talk to somebody about how you are feeling.

I'm going to be visiting somebody in the hospital today or tomorrow. Former neighbour.

Everything about the situation is brutal. Dude is 96, his wife died just before Christmas (she was in a nursing home with dementia). He and his daughter ended up homeless in October.

His daughter died last week. And he's in the hospital and not coming out. And, losing his daughter made him suicidal, so, psych ward. And, the rest of his family is in Greece.

My friend and I figured out where he is, and his last name - she went to see him yesterday, and we'll like both see him in the next day or so.

I've been suicidal before, and I have zero idea what to say to him, lol.

Anyway -can't leave him alone with all this.

OP, how are you doing? How’s Monday going?

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I have always been an open book. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I also over share all the time, even with perfect strangers. It is a blessing and a curse, because what you see is what you get. I did the same thing at a Christmas work party, and had to apologize to everyone later for acting like an idiot. It was very humbling, and taught me a valuable lesson about drinking in front of coworkers. You will be fine. I am pretty sure the only one stressing about what happened is you. I do hope you manage your depression, because it can be crippling.

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Here's a tip guy. We all go through things. Few of us are brave enough to share even when drunk. Walk in with your head up and pretend like nothing even happened. If people bring it up just smile, laugh it off and say GD yea man... that scotch he brought was just way too nice. I didn't even notice it going down. Then if you want to take the cowards way out just say you know you started acting weird but don't really remember many details. Everyone relates to you more than you think. Try it out.

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More oft than not the crazy shit our anxiety makes up for us in our heads far exceeds reality 😉

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I understand man. I'm currently in the military, in a leadership position. If I admitted to exactly what I was going through, there's no doubt I would be on my way out. I too cannot afford to lose what I have. I'm married with 2 kids and my wife is currently in school. If I got kicked out, I'd lose everything. It's pretty shitty that being entirely transparent with a doctor can result in something like that. My advice is to not divulge everything, even though that may be slightly unethical to you. It took me 3 years of awful anxiety, depression, and insomnia until I was able to swallow some of my pride and accept that I needed to be helped. It's one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I sat in my car for 2 hours outside the emergency room trying to work up the nerve, after coming to grips with the fact that my issues where no longer controllable. There is absolutely no shame in it. It seems to me we share some of the same characteristics. Both pretty high functioning with our issues and both in stressful positions. At the end of the day, you need to make some hard decisions. I started medication about 3 months ago. I found pretty immediate relief from my insomnia with the medications, but the rest took awhile. Recently ive found myself having the will and strength to do other things except my job. Just consider it for me, please.

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You got the squirrel on the head... Being the "funny one" is just being able to articulate the absurdity of, well, society - I would say - life - but that's not very accurate. Life be what it be - societies make shit weird. But yeah ppl think I'm just "naturally talented" at making a dark joke out of everything - no, y'all taught me this. But the cost is tremendous.
They need a voice of reason veiled in a joke - we need a shoulder to cry on - bc we can see how fucked up everything is but we can't do anything about it... So, just make a joke.

I’m getting squirrels now, eh? Just call me Katniss and light me on fire 😉

You got the joke - congrats, you get life - now you hafta deal with it... (What's the best way to keep a baby from running around a circle?) But yes, self immolation seems as good a way as any. I wouldn't know - I've never died before... Or, have I?