I'm sorry friend. Lost my mom to ovarian as well.

She wasn't a great mom, but she was my mom and I loved her. Fucked me up for quite a while.

When I started bawling after my (then) 2 and a half year old asked where my mommy was (she knows her other gtandmother very well) and had to explain through tears while my toddler hugged me and told me it was going to be okay.... that's when I knew that I needed to find a therapist.

That helped a lot. Might be worth looking into for yourself.

Anyway, best of luck.