TIFU Update: I accused my boyfriend of cheating on me with his dead husband

Submitted by TIFUWife2 t3_11dsz0s in tifu

Hello, sorry for the lack of answers for the last few days.

Anyway, here it is: We haven't broken up. He called me about two days after I made my initial post, ready to talk.

I brought up some of the points a few people had about it being a little unfair that he kept the knowledge of his late husband from me after so long, and he agreed. He admitted that he was just scared that by telling me, that he was forgetting Jay. He acknowledged that it was an unhealthy way of thinking about it and that he didn't mean to make it seem like he didn't care.

Of course I also apologized a million times, for snooping through his phone and not coming to him earlier about seeing him with Jay's sister when it happened. We both agreed we had started this relationship too fast, especially for people who both weren't looking for something serious initially. We talked for hours over the phone before meeting at his place. Talked some more, talked about what we want from this relationship and decided, for now at least, to try and make things work. We're both deeply broken people, and we thought that with honesty going forward, we could support and help eachother heal.

Thank you for all your responses, even the not so kind ones. They really helped me open my eyes and think, as well as pushed me to get a therapist.

TL;DR: We're still together, lots of apologizing and crying but we're going to try to make things work.

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Orphylia t1_jaani4z wrote

I'm admittedly still not sure I understand the logic behind not telling you, but I hope the both of you are able to work things out.

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Verbose_Cactus t1_jaawwyr wrote

To be fair, feelings and grief are really irrational creatures

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kainprime82 t1_jaazfsp wrote

They really are. My mom died from cancer 2 years ago. Sometimes, during a grief induced spiral, I'll find myself blaming myself for her cancer. It was ovarian cancer, and I'll get on this bender about how there's something wrong with me (I've had emotional problems since early childhood, depression and such) and that must have infected my mom and ultimately killed her.

I KNOW it's completely illogical, but in those down moments, I convince myself otherwise.

Grief is a fucking beast man.

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Xrgonic369 t1_jab4mp6 wrote

I’m a chemist, and have now done some drug discovery research; but when my mom died of cancer I was only in undergrad. I still feel guilty for not being able to save her even though it’s rather absurd to think I could have.

So I very much agree. Grief can make us feel things we cognitively know are irrational.

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Kveldson t1_jacp0dk wrote

I'm sorry friend. Lost my mom to ovarian as well.

She wasn't a great mom, but she was my mom and I loved her. Fucked me up for quite a while.

When I started bawling after my (then) 2 and a half year old asked where my mommy was (she knows her other gtandmother very well) and had to explain through tears while my toddler hugged me and told me it was going to be okay.... that's when I knew that I needed to find a therapist.

That helped a lot. Might be worth looking into for yourself.

Anyway, best of luck.

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Verbose_Cactus t1_jae8jeb wrote

I’m so sorry for your loss, friend. I’m glad you can recognize how irrational those thoughts are, though. It will never be your fault. You made her life ten times more valuable. You gave so much love.

If you don’t already see a therapist, I really do recommend it. Healing is so hard to do alone. They’ve helped me get through a lot

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Maatix t1_jabhhcp wrote

Was just gonna come say this.

Sure, it doesn't really make sense, but for all we know it was still a fairly fresh wound. And even if it wasn't - There's no timer on how long it takes to heal. Had a coworker who went through something similar, it has been something like 10 years and he still has trouble thinking about dating again. He returns to the thought about him "betraying" his spouse - Even though he knows with absolute certainty (and his spouse told him beforehand that it would be ok) that they would never be angry about them dating again after they passed.

It's just how our brains are wired.

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ThisShouldBeObvious2 t1_jacrdpa wrote

When you REALLY love someone and lose them, meeting someone new can feel like the deepest kind of betrayal, of their memory and of your commitment in marriage. To some people, it’s akin to finally letting go and that’s so much harder than many people here seem to realize.

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Heavy-Lawfulness-994 t1_jaay69l wrote

He didn’t want to forget the significance of his relationship with his late husband and he felt that sharing this information with his current partner, someone he loves, will make him start to forget those memories and move on. In reality he needs to move on but it’s easier said than done.

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greenmachine11235 t1_jaayyop wrote

For some people talking about a trauma is akin to reliving the event so they try not to talk about it. It's not a good coping mechanism by any means but it's an understandable one.

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Orphylia t1_jab0hz3 wrote

I can 100% understand not wanting to "relive" it, but OP's husband said that talking about it would make him feel like he's forgetting his husband. I don't think that's really the same thing. Someone else gave a more plausible explanation, but grief convinces people of all kinds of things, so ultimately, it's probably useless attempting to reason through something like this coming from someone I don't know.

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Mattmandu2 t1_jaba6zf wrote

Idk you’ve never just not had an appropriate time to bring something up and then it just went so long it became awkward?

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Suitable-Pirate-4164 t1_jab6i46 wrote

You think it's normal to talk about how your late husband killed himself and that's how your previous relationship ended is a normal thing? There's nothing logical about that, only pain and only masochists like pain. I doubt he's a masochist.

Honoring someone by celebrating what they enjoyed to talking about them are two different things too.

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FidmeisterPF t1_jac6iei wrote

I think you’ll never understand unless you have to deal with such grief, I sincerely hope you never have to.

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kronos91O t1_jad7q3o wrote

Love and grief often has a tendency to take logic out of the picture.

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YoshiPikachu t1_jaeqbhp wrote

Everyone handles grief differently. Especially in cases of suicide.

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OffusMax t1_jaarqqf wrote

Good luck OP. I hope the 2 of you work through this and are very happy together.

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Empire2k5 t1_jaatsh8 wrote

I was in part 1. Im a little lost on the "by telling you about it, I would be forgetting him" part. Wouldn't that be in a way remembering him, by talking about it? But gl none the less.

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PushingMyLimit t1_jab3ymp wrote

I think because acknowledging it to the person, in his mind, would be making “moving on” a reality. It would mean it was really in the past. Grief can absolutely haunt the way someone perceives the world, even in ways that seem silly after.

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Empire2k5 t1_jab4nrr wrote

Makes sense. I haven't really lost anyone serious in my life, but you do have to eventually move on. Talking about it with a loved one might even help with that. And she also mentioned in previous thread, that they hold a memorial every year for him, that's what caused this. So aren't totally forgetting about him in that way either.

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NukeWarz t1_jabsg90 wrote

You never really move on. You just make it smaller until you can carry it without falling.

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silent_cat t1_jad9uks wrote

I think what OP can do is plan some "remembering" moments. Like, a special day a year where he remembers the good things. Tells stories, that kind of thing. He dead, he's not competition.

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TommyTuttle t1_jaazzwz wrote

Keep the faith. You both can do this.

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hottempsc t1_jabk730 wrote

Snooping through phones is a thing of the past. I hope you learned what you think you needed to know and move on for the better. No one needs that in their life.

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FigLow4974 t1_jacijw5 wrote

idk if it’s just me but like, i wouldn’t care ab a partner going through my phone. i have nothing to hide, and if we are close like that, it shouldn’t matter. but everyone has different boundaries, including OP and her boyfriend, and he didn’t seem to mind that much either about the snooping itself and more about the fact that she found out ab something he didn’t want her to.

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chainmailler2001 t1_jacp8yo wrote

I am with you on this. My wife and I both are open books with each other. We both know each others passwords. Her fingerprint lock is set to also recognize mine. We each know the passwords to each others email accounts. We both have GPS tracking turned on and shared on our phones so we each know where each other is. Neither of us snoops because we have no reason to but either of us could at any time.

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Alpha433 t1_jadit4p wrote

Snooping through the phone is a bit rough in my opinion, but immediately going off on the boyfriend, assuming the worst is an even bigger issue. If they lack the trust to actually talk about this stuff or broach the topic with more tact then it shows just much more time they need, or at the very least how much of a trust issue op has.

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FigLow4974 t1_jadjste wrote

Yeah I personally would’ve immediately asked to talk about the ice cream situation as soon as I heard about it. Letting the doubt and anxiety bubble up and then exploding randomly is a big issue OP needs to look into fixing.

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Alpha433 t1_jadkc34 wrote

Yup. I know people are all different and trust can be a funny thing, but handle it like an adult and don't sit there and assume the worst without even checking on it. At best they are saved by having an understanding partner like here, at worst they get into a massive fight and op ends up torpedoing a relationship because they couldn't handle a simple like an adult.

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Sumerian88 t1_jac2k6z wrote

Yeah I agree, it's such a huge breach of trust. I'd really have to think hard about whether I could stay with someone who snooped through my phone. Like could I ever trust them again to respect my privacy? Such a big deal.

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dplafoll t1_jab7x15 wrote

I read your original post and felt like you both made honest mistakes and weren't trying to hurt anyone. I'm very glad to read that you both have admitted and realized the same thing about your own and each other's mistakes, and are going to try to work it out. Just remember: it's OK if it doesn't work out. I hope it does, and I can easily see how it would since now you both will be working actively at building trust and communication with each other, intentionally, to specifically avoid another such situation (plus, therapy). I just want to point out: "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life.”― Jean-Luc Picard. The important thing is that you're not giving up now, at the start, when not quitting matters very much, maybe the most, because this is when your investment is lowest, and the losses to cut smallest. Keep working, and if you believe in the future of the relationship, choose the relationship and the future as much as you can without compromising your integrity or safety.

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Whane17 t1_jac1j5y wrote

This is beautiful. Good luck to you and yours!

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KhaelaMensha t1_jacql2x wrote

This sounds like one of the biggest comebacks and most stable relationships in the making! Talking about everything, being vulnerable, honest (which sometimes may hurt!), and respectful towards each other are so important.

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currently_distracted t1_jacprab wrote

This is wonderful news. I’m so glad that both of you were able to have an open conversation and admit where you both went wrong. It sounds like you’re restarting this relationship on equal footing and honesty. Best of luck to the two of you and your futures.

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thecreaturesmomma t1_jad2nld wrote

I hope both of you find more healing in your life, and have some wonderful fun.

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ThaumKitten t1_jad70yb wrote

Yeah, I'm more wondering why- and putting this nicely- it's at all appropriate to blast this shit all over a public forum like Reddit?

This seems like one of those things that should /remain private/.

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aw2669 t1_jadis1d wrote

I don’t think you were in the wrong as much as you do. I hope you are ok and I’m rooting for you both and your love.

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[deleted] t1_jaed2v2 wrote

You’re lucky he forgave you. If anyone ever went through my phone when I was sleeping that would be the end of it.

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Nunar t1_jabd5xi wrote

You snooped through the phone and found things you didn't like. You are the asshole as and hopefully you'll be taken back. You done fucked up.

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DestoryDerEchte t1_jaboq0z wrote

Tbf most peps check or would check their partners phone if theres an oppertunity

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TheRogueToad t1_jaavh5g wrote

How many times are you going to post this?

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gaywrestlers t1_jaatz06 wrote

You're still the toxic one in this situation. How does one just happen to remember a password?

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Heavy-Lawfulness-994 t1_jaayfg2 wrote

Some people remember certain things better than others. She’s already admitted multiple times that she was in the wrong.

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WayneH_nz t1_jab4l0d wrote

I remembered 400 users passwords through 35 different customers. from my time when IT would know your password, I would not necessarily remember it when I was not in front of their computer, but I could look at their desk, and go this kid, that dog02, or is it 03 by now. Serial numbers of products when I was assembling computers installation keys for windows 98 SE... My wife asks me to bring a loaf of bread home, and i put it in my phone as a reminder. because I will forget.

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ssyl6119 t1_jaav9c8 wrote

My bf has told me his password countless times, like if i needed to look something on his phone up or something. I still cant remember it until he reminds me lol.

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HobbyPlodder t1_jaayiw0 wrote

OP said she had gotten it from watching him use it in the past. He never gave her a password or permission to use his phone

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The-Wandering-Kiwi t1_jaawnpd wrote

I’m the same with my husband. Takes me all my time to remember my own passwords let work e someone elses

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TaxiFare t1_jac1pp8 wrote

Then comes the hard part dealing with other people's phones that I can best describe as "I just accidentally closed an app and opened a different app without meaning to. How do I close this app?"

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