TIFU by getting dumped for taking a dump.

Submitted by 6millionwaystolive t3_112bli1 in tifu

This didn't happen today, but I suppose it's still worth telling.

I was dumped after 6 months with a very vague explanation, something along the lines of "I can't really see you the same way anymore" , tiptoe-ing around the when asked. I was confused and hurt initially, until I started racking my brain for an answer on my way home from her apartment.

And then it hit me.

Two night before this happened, we were getting ready to go to a party. I took a fucking dinosaur of a dump.. at least 15 Courics. It was impressive, until I needed to flush. Jammed on the 1st flush... and water never filled back up. IT WASN'T FUCKING FLUSHING. We come to find out that her landlord shut off the water for repairs without telling her. So there's this huge, steaming pile of shit with no water cover in my girlfriends toilet. FUCK. So my plan was to fix it when we got back, since the water will surely be on by then.

Only I forgot all about it, and dropped her off so i can go home. So.....she probably had to deal with a huge toilet bowl full of my dookie trying to get it to flush, probably had to break out the plunger and maybe even a poop knife, all while her apartment probably smelled just like a sewer.

This is why she couldn't see me the same anymore.

Tl;dr: took a dump in my now ex-gfs out-of-order toilet and forgot about it. GF had to fight it down the toilet instead, got dumped afterwards.

1,563

Comments

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TheyCallMeBigSlick t1_j8je62h wrote

This is what Meatloaf was talking about when he said he would do anything for love but wouldn't do that.

2,126

EliteSnackist t1_j8kyj6s wrote

Man had the stinker and the toilet, but no water. 2 out of 3 certainly wasn't ideal here...

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xSilverMC t1_j8l46u3 wrote

Finally, the age-old question has been answered. Scholars searched for eons, but it took one man's embarassing breakup story to uncover the truth

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gertalives t1_j8la3il wrote

Ironically, Meatloaf himself was actually a steaming pile of shit.

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melissamayhem1331 t1_j8m06bk wrote

Really? Did not know that. I don't know why I'm not surprised? Like I've had this odd preconceived notion that meatloaf is a douche for some reason. Huh.

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[deleted] t1_j8ma9pm wrote

[removed]

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QuintoxPlentox t1_j8mdbvd wrote

Lol k. That's all you got for us?

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Jotakave t1_j8me905 wrote

Does it trigger you that much that you have to write this inane comment?

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QuintoxPlentox t1_j8mf8x9 wrote

A lot of people didn't want to take COVID seriously and treated it like it was some kind of liberal talking point, some people distrusted the media and didn't want to believe a pandemic could happen in their lifetime. Does this make all of those people giant pieces of shit? Nah, I don't think so. Misguided I think. So no, not triggered. It wasn't about me.

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Jotakave t1_j8mjc56 wrote

He was a public figure spewing misinformation. Yes, people who are trying to spread false narratives against science are turds.

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QuintoxPlentox t1_j8ngekx wrote

Well sure, but usually when someone says some random celebrity is a giant piece of shit, as opposed to a turd, which is less aggressive and not really where this comment chain started, they're usually talking about sexual assault or something of that nature. It's still bad, but he did fuckin die from it so like... he paid for it I guess? I'm just kinda tired of the reddit hive mind telling itself when it is or isn't okay to hate someone.

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Jotakave t1_j8nij21 wrote

I’m not hating. I just think people who have a platform better not use it to harm others or you’ll be considered terrible people. I have no idea what you mean by the differences between pieces of shits and turds. They’re all the same to me.

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fomoco94 t1_j8nm80c wrote

> differences between pieces of shits and turds.

Turds are naturally created from shit by the anal sphincter, while pieces of shit could be created from shit by any means. /s

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HeywoodPeace t1_j8mgv2d wrote

I just ignored covid. I don't get sick ever (had a cold in 2008, another in 2016), and I knew it would blow over eventually. I don't get vaccinated because I believe it will throw off the balance of my perfect immune system and I'll not only get sick from the vaccine (a little) but I will start catching colds and other things I haven't had in decades. I'm not a dick and I'm not selfish. I'm not trying to intentionally harm anyone else by being a carrier, I just put my own health above others'. It's an individual needs situation, and I do not need help in fighting off infection

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Jotakave t1_j8mk8d5 wrote

Your perfect immune system, right. Maybe you’re young now and don’t get sick much. Maybe you never leave your house and that’s why you’ve had two colds in 5 years. You’re being a dick if you’re walking around being a carrier and other people have weak immune systems. My coworker has an immune system disease and she hasn’t done anything social in 3 years because the vaccine doesn’t work as well in a damaged system. So GLAD that you’re ok. For other people they don’t have the luxury to ignore COVID. As a personal note, I’m healthy too and get a cold here and there because I work with little kids. I’d get my flu shot sporadically before. Some years I did. Some years I didn’t. Before COVID I caught a massive bout of flu that left me in bed sweating, with a fever and a splitting headache for 5 days. My immediate family had their flu shots and didn’t get sick in the least. I learned from that lesson. I’d rather have a mild reaction and feel a bit off for a day or two after a shot than to have to endure that again.

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chickinflickin t1_j8mmc89 wrote

But, but, gene therapy, govt coercement, chips in jabs.. guess who is the first one to run to the doctors with a mild flu or headache, with their otherwise 'perfect' immune system.

They did their research none the less!

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MakingShitAwkward t1_j8mlh9b wrote

If everyone acted in their own self interest then we wouldn't now be somewhat back to normality.

0

NattySocks t1_j8tutvk wrote

Why wouldn't we be? If the vaccines prevent death in the elderly, without vaccines the curve still would have followed the same curve but with a lot more elderly deaths and a few less young deaths. We'd be about where we are now with or without them.

btw I enjoy downvotes from reddit proper because I've seen what this festering shitpile will upvote

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Porkbellyflop t1_j8n6t6o wrote

I was told it was say "I Love You", but dealing g with a giant log makes a lot more sense.

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mcnathan80 t1_j8qd36w wrote

Didn’t have to clean his crap, got free food at a party, but dumped for a dump.

Two Outta’ Three Ain’t Bad

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ErdtreeSimp t1_j8kd6kh wrote

As a fyi you can flush with any water. You can literally use a bottle of water it will work. I once had to water the plants for a friend in their home (only with rain water). And I really needed to go lol but they actually turned off the water. So I had to use the good rain water

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ackermann t1_j8klslo wrote

Yup, just dump a bucket of water directly in the toilet bowl. If it’s enough (about a gallon), and you dump it in fast enough, it will flush.

Or, you can remove the tank lid and pour it in there too, but that’s not necessary.

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VoltaicSketchyTeapot t1_j8l24w5 wrote

We have a water leak at work and the water is shut off. We have a lot of 5 gallon bottles of water, so we can flush the toilets. However, the water doesn't pour out of the bottle fast enough to flush the toilet. I've successfully done a bucket flush in the same toilet when we had a tank refilling problem, so I would claim to know what I'm doing.

Filling the tank is the only way to get enough pressure to flush using a 5 gallon water bottle.

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Lknate t1_j8lfo1m wrote

I have so many questions.... However, I'll make a suggestion instead. Go to the hardware store and buy a couple of buckets to fill instead of the bottles. Should be able to get a few flushes out per bucket and it will be easier. The biggest question I have is why has this water leak not been repaired in so long that there is an alternative toilet flushing protocol. Most places would just ask a neighboring business for access to their restrooms if it was only going to be a day or two.

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randomgrunt1 t1_j8nnmus wrote

Water speed doesn't matter with flushing a toilet. When it reaches a high enough water level, the pressure difference auto flushes.

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Alizaea t1_j8l8fdc wrote

How are you to fill a bucket of the water is off?

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gerhudire t1_j8ldfz6 wrote

Bucket outside + heavy rain = a bucket full of rain water.

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[deleted] t1_j8mdj9i wrote

[deleted]

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HeywoodPeace t1_j8mh11d wrote

Katie Couric is not happy with this form of measurement being used to detail a turd

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mericton t1_j8ngl1z wrote

He said that the landlord cut the water so i dont think the problem was how to get it down

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trshtehdsh t1_j8ln0ny wrote

Ok but if the water is turned off you can't really run water for adding to the bowl, can you?

But if I were in OPs situation I'd be using any available liquid. Gatorade, milk, popping cans of soda, microwaving the ice cubes, whatever was around that could be reasonably liquified. Make a Walmart run and grab some gallon jugs. Whatever it took man.

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wannabejoanie t1_j8l6cf7 wrote

Yuuuup. Water heater went out, we had to buy a whole lot of gallons of water to flush the toilet till it was replaced. Pain in the ass, but functional.

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klm2709 t1_j8m77c2 wrote

It's enough to pour the water in the bowl, not the bowels.

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solblurgh t1_j8m5epp wrote

Dasani is a good choice. To flush your poop and wash your ass

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TheMace808 t1_j8ngkj3 wrote

To be fair, the water was off in an apartment, so unless they too collected rain water there wouldn’t be water to flush

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MyNameIsRay t1_j8nv3oi wrote

I grew up in an old farmhouse with well water, and any time we had a big storm and lost power, we'd also lose water.

Before storms hit, we'd scrub the bathtubs clean and fill them to the brim with water.

We had a bucket that held just enough water to make the toilet flush if you dumped it in, and a tub was at least a week worth of flushing #2's.

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Spacecowboy_tg t1_j8jxhd3 wrote

You glossed over an important part: No water also means you didn’t wash your hands. I’d dump your nasty ass too

/s

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zilnosnibor t1_j8k0ksp wrote

I was coming to say that, unsarcastically lol. I woulda called his poopy butt to come clean his own mess the second I lifted the lid. 💩

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chickinflickin t1_j8mmi0j wrote

Bold of you to assume he closed it in the first place.

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zilnosnibor t1_j8mnvhr wrote

Damn I just reread it and you're right, I did assume. I think he was secretly proud of his masterpiece and wanted it on display. 🪠💩🚽

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WhereIsHarriet t1_j8k7461 wrote

Sooo, let's blame him for the landlord shutting down the water.

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Oakcamp t1_j8m77v1 wrote

There usually enough in the pipes for a luttle use after it gets shut off

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Poekienijn t1_j8j4ko7 wrote

Well… it wasn’t love then.

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OkVolume1 t1_j8k7tzo wrote

What is love???

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crashchass89 t1_j8k97ka wrote

baby don’t hurt me ..

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Mandinobear t1_j8ka7cp wrote

Don't hurt me.. no more..

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waterpik007 t1_j8kiudy wrote

making a huge effort to unclog the toilet. Haha

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PanteonEZLN t1_j8k8j5d wrote

Life lesson: ALWAYS CARRY THE POOP KNIFE

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TheW83 t1_j8ksp1m wrote

Poop knife won't help much when there's no water to flush it down.

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PanteonTCT t1_j8ksyeb wrote

Update: Always carry the poop 5 gallon jug along with a poop knife gif

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whorgans t1_j8l8vu5 wrote

Put the knife in the bucket with some TP and butt wipes and you have a full on poop kit.

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MediocreCash3384 t1_j8jz6fv wrote

At least 15 Courics🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

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LtRecore t1_j8k146h wrote

If she truly loved you, she’d accept your giant peanut eyed brown trout

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OhItsJustAPony t1_j8jtrod wrote

The poop knife did it for me. You seem to be knowledgeable in this department. Which knife, pray tell, is best for fecal slicing?

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Random_Guy_47 t1_j8kif60 wrote

Not sure if jokey question or if you haven't heard the legendary story of the poop knife.

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OhItsJustAPony t1_j8lni24 wrote

u/LearnedButt never defined what type of knife was the best poop knife either. I need to know this so I can cut my logs into more manageable nuggets.

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HeywoodPeace t1_j8mhbv7 wrote

Poop knife, eh? And here I've been using the plunger handle

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sykojaz t1_j8kcbsg wrote

It's time for the Poop Lord of the Rings Arwen Sword Replica ™

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Franklin2543 t1_j8k87o1 wrote

Apparently no cover water, and was like that for a bit, so I’m thinking the bread knife might be the way to go in this instance.

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Derpasaurus_mex t1_j8lmadn wrote

I don’t know how it happened but I misread this as “which is the best tactical poop knife”

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AcrobaticSource3 t1_j8kkoxu wrote

> dropped her off so I can go home

First you dropped your kids off in her pool (and didn’t flush) then you dropped her off

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dudeitsmeee t1_j8l0vts wrote

He kinda dropped her off to deal with BIG kid in the drained pool

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RonStopable08 t1_j8lbi35 wrote

Lpt, a toilet will flush if the water is off, and if the power is off. You just need to get bottled water, or water from anywhere, and manially fill the tank.

Assuming your plumbing is gravity based drainage, which most are

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Wooshio t1_j8kly3f wrote

Hilarious, but if she really liked you this wouldn't be enough to end things after 6 months of dating. It was happening regardless. Put your self in her shoes. Would you dump someone great because they forgot to flush your toilet once? I sure as fuck wouldn't.

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DragonscaleDiscoball t1_j8m8i9y wrote

Honestly, not talking about it and leaving it for her was likely a bigger deal than anything. Like, when shit hits the fan, OP's ex learns that OP just walks away with no communication about the fact that shit just clogged the fan.

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--jawnday-- t1_j8lhln8 wrote

So wait… how did you wash your hands after wiping your butt if the water was off?

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Demianwulf t1_j8ls5cu wrote

You dodged a bullet. A real girlfriend would have taken a picture of your shit, printed it out, cut out tiny sombrero, put it on picture, draw pistol stache and glue googly eyes making a frowny face and in her best Mr. Hankey voice say "you left your shit behind you" them ask you if you want to get high while rolling in the floor laughing. Is that to much to ask? Geez...

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ImTryingYourLuck t1_j8l7qtm wrote

You left a big pile of shit in someone's toilet. That's fucked up man lol. She didn't dump you for taking a dump you got dumped for being an asshole lmao.

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Profound-Cookie27 t1_j8mjlv6 wrote

I know it's only six months - but she could have called the guy and demand an explanation instead of just breaking up?? Or the guy could have explained the situation, embarrassing or not.

Also, it could have been record-sized, so that's a loss too :<

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B25B25 t1_j8o4ffx wrote

Yeah, would be a different story if she called him afterwards and he'd refuse to come back. He just forgot. And they were equally stupid not to temporarly contain it with some liquid out of a bottle, so that's no argument either.

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aw5ome t1_j8nhgv8 wrote

It just wasn’t love. Better this happen sooner rather than later

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Jtw981 t1_j8l8g1t wrote

This seems like a reasonable response considering you all only dated for 6 months lol.

Also, if the water was off how did you wash your fucking hands?!

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Givemeurhats t1_j8kic0h wrote

This shit made me cackle. Guess you've got to explore the 5,999,999 other ways to live

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thatbalconyjumper t1_j8o7adp wrote

One time I clogged the toilet at my parents house and my boyfriend unclogged it for me. The right one will come in time.

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Been1LongDay t1_j8juyne wrote

She probably was fresh outta poop knifes. That one guys family probably got all Costco had left in stock during COVID-19

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harlojones t1_j8k9dz1 wrote

This is nasty, motion approved

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commandrix t1_j8kodv2 wrote

LPT: If this happens to you again, fill an empty bucket with water if you can and pour it into the toilet bowl (not too fast). Keep a plunger on hand in case this doesn't work. This will flush the toilet when not much else will work.

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woofmiow t1_j8koh7x wrote

Fucking Courics omg gif

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cosmernaut420 t1_j8kt92w wrote

&gt;ew, bodily functions? disgusting, who does that?

Immature and dumb. Good riddance.

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SnakeBeardTheGreat t1_j8l69mw wrote

Sorry you got dumped for a dump. Sounds like a real shitty deal.

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FakeVideos t1_j8li0un wrote

So how did you find out it was the landlord if she broke up with you over this.

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[deleted] t1_j8km506 wrote

Best one I've read right here

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Lepardopterra t1_j8l9fm1 wrote

You must carry a wooden paint stir stick to beat up your alligators for the rest of your life. No one should have to fight your gators for you Sir.

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wesleyhroth t1_j8lkuvg wrote

This is the epitome of that meme where Shaq is like "understandable, have a nice day"

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footjam t1_j8mu1ah wrote

I dropped a deuce in a new gf's main hallway toilet before company came over. Was the last time she ever talked to me.

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Jeff_72 t1_j8n6vg5 wrote

Did you not inquire if she had a poop knife?

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xxxiii t1_j8o28o7 wrote

This happened to me once (I was the gf) but there was a huge giant monster turd in there…. but no toilet paper. Had I not been so young and confused I probably would have dumped that guy too. Because not only did he plug up my toilet. But he’s clearly a psychopath

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MoonleySpoon t1_j8oedoz wrote

hey man, she did you a favor. If she wants you at your best, she should want you when you burst...or something like that.

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CNorm77 t1_j8of4tw wrote

Literally pooping right now while reading this. Can't manage 15 courics tho. Think I'm only at about 6.5.

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SnoopThereItIs88 t1_j8k4n7p wrote

At least this wasn't another poop sock story.

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Hotrod_2089 t1_j8kbcie wrote

please explain

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SnoopThereItIs88 t1_j8krxwu wrote

The TLDR of it was this dude couldn't figure out why his socks were missing. His girlfriend was using his socks to wipe after taking a dump and hiding them.

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Necorus t1_j8ksl5c wrote

That's 100x worse than finding out other family's don't have poop knives.

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ESGPandepic t1_j8lg4b0 wrote

Personally I consider that the #1 reddit post I've ever read.

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danielson269 t1_j8krivw wrote

This should just be titled: TIFU by not having my poop knife

1

dino_74 t1_j8ks6fg wrote

If it's yellow, let it mellow.

If it's brown, flush it down.

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I-endure t1_j8le7nu wrote

Goddam that's funny.

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straitshota7 t1_j8lj23j wrote

She failed to invoke the “no dump” rule beforehand. Your lucky you didn’t waste anymore time with her

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Horror_Scene4747 t1_j8lj7gz wrote

What if she would have claimed the world record for herself?

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laz111 t1_j8m39ru wrote

You should call her up and say "Reddit demands the truth: did you really dump me over that poop?"

Who knows, maybe you two will make amends and get back together?

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Extaberp t1_j8m8g0n wrote

Poop knife 🤣 classic

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AggressiveFlower7778 t1_j980zel wrote

Dude if she couldn’t handle being around some poo, she wasn’t ready for a real relationship. That’s some junior high level maturity right there.

A real girlfriend will pick you up off the floor when you’ve been powershitting for a whole day from food poisoning and the bathroom paint has started to curdle from the stench.

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rhetoricalcarrier7 t1_j8lvdw9 wrote

Damn, dude, that sucks. I feel for you, man. But hey, maybe she wasn’t the one for you. If she can’t deal with your shit, literally, then she’s not worth your time. You need someone who will love you and your massive turds, or at least not break up with you over them. Next time, though, maybe check the water before you drop a bomb, or at least give her a heads up or something. I hope you find someone who can look beyond your brown mistakes and love you for you. Hang in there, buddy.

−1

jerry111165 t1_j8m6shw wrote

Came in to say something along the lines of “she never goes to the bathroom?”

Then I kept reading and realized that you left it floating in her toilet

Who does that?

−1

Mirawenya t1_j8mnxfv wrote

People that can’t flush it cause there’s no water to flush it with.

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grasslife t1_j8mu58m wrote

That's when communication comes in handy.

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Mirawenya t1_j8mz9yb wrote

Definitely, though I think most people will want to keep this hidden, and sort it themselves when they can. Problem is when you forget all about it.

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jerry111165 t1_j8nb19q wrote

I would never, ever leave someone’s toilet full of my shit - period.

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Mirawenya t1_j8nfd5x wrote

Fair, but how would you solve this one without water? Put it in a bag?

1

jerry111165 t1_j8nglvi wrote

Toilet isnt the only place in the house with water. Theres generally a sink or tub in the same room.

I’d work it out. I certainly wouldn’t leave it for someone else to deal with.

0

Mirawenya t1_j8nheew wrote

The landlord shut off the water. That means no water in the sink either. And besides, he intended to fix it when back. Big oopsie

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jerry111165 t1_j8oph2s wrote

Well - that sucks. Guessing that I probably would have found a different toilet and not taken a crap in a house that had no water.

Who craps in a dry toilet?

1

Mirawenya t1_j8ouulk wrote

Well he didn't know there wasn't any water until trying to flush. At least around here, our toilets have water in the bottom, and the way it flushes is you dump lots of water from the tank in, and it goes through this S bend thingymajiggy, and it's flushed, and new water is in the bottom. I dunno if other toilets work differently. But in our house, a dry toilet will flush once, and then it won't refill the tank, but there'll be water in the bowl. If you use it after this point, you might find yourself in a pickle. But you won't know there's no water till you try flushing.

1

chemill16 t1_j8j2ycd wrote

She will never make it as a wife, not your FU

−4

InconsolableDreams t1_j8jjr31 wrote

Wives clean their husband's shit?

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jaffa3811 t1_j8jlzuv wrote

well they have to deal with shit.

I suppose the point hes making is that things happen during relationships you both have your ups and downs and you'll see eachother at your worst.

if something like that breaks her, well.

but to be fair, being hit with an ambush turd is not the most pleasant thing either

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InconsolableDreams t1_j8jqmf2 wrote

Yeah but the fuck up wasn't the shit so much as him forgetting he was supposed to clean his shit mess from her bathroom, and just went home leaving her to clean his mess.

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jaffa3811 t1_j8jrnob wrote

yeah see that's unappealing. I could forgive once or twice. but if it was an normal thing I'd nope out of there quick.

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FG88_NR t1_j8k7o1a wrote

Meh it was only a 6 month relationship. I'd do a lot now for my fiancee that I wouldn't have at our 6 month mark.

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HarryHacker42 t1_j8jr6td wrote

Remember that time when you were riding the motorcycle and crashed and smashed up both hands, putting you in two arm casts? Remember I had to wipe your ass for a month, and we switched to you bending over in the shower and me squirting you clean with the showerhead? Good times... good times..

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nickeypants t1_j8k12br wrote

My mom changed my dad's mom's diapers. She needed 'round the clock end-of-life care, and that was the only affordable option at the time. Real people deal with real shit when the going gets tough.

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FG88_NR t1_j8k80v5 wrote

I hope your dad also changed his own mom's diaper.

3