TIFU by texting my ex-wife

Submitted by LaVieEnRoseLavelle t3_11c5kwr in tifu

About a year ago I finalized a divorce with my ex-wife. It didn’t end the greatest but we’ve been on good terms since then and have been focused on being great co-parents for our son.

A month ago she messaged me asking if we could get him a passport. He’s five and they don’t have any trips planned abroad but she figured we could get some ID for him.

This set off alarm bells for me and a wild thought crossed my mind that she might be planning to leave the country with him. It was an irrational thought and I dismissed it almost immediately but you can’t always help where your mind wanders. I know these kinds of things happen, but this is not something my ex would do, it really was just a random irrational thought.

So we get him the passport this week and he’s telling a relative about his passport which raises an eyebrow and some questions. Later, I text the relative that I had some reservations too and that I recognized that it was a ridiculous idea but I still thought it.

Except, I accidentally texted the ex-wife instead about how I suspected she might try to leave with him. I tried to unsend, but she saw it and has been very quiet while I apologize and try to explain that I had an irrational thought and I don’t actually believe she’s going to try and leave with him. We’ve been working really hard to make sure we’re healing the relationship and this isn’t going to help at all.

TL;DR Accidentally messaged my ex-wife my suspicions that she requested a passport for my son without any trips planned.

Edit: Appreciate the comments and everyone’s concern. It’s definitely eye opening but there’s some other factors here that make me unconcerned. She’s not a flight risk. We share custody and have a good relationship. There was 1 or 2 reasons why I had the initial fear but they’re honestly ludicrous.

Thank you though and I do appreciate the concern.

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Comments

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not_czarbob t1_ja1sbs3 wrote

What five-year-old needs a passport unless they’re leaving the country? This isn’t irrational at all, it’s exactly what I would immediately suspect.

Edit: love all the comments proving my point. “We travel abroad all the time!” “What if you have a spur of the moment vacation outside the country?”

Exactly.

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MercurialMal t1_ja1tq46 wrote

And given the fact she went radio silent instead of having an adult conversation? Red flag.

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coupl4nd t1_ja272n2 wrote

Probably in the air by that point. She'll reconnect when she lands.

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akairborne t1_ja1utnb wrote

We live in Alaska and got them for our kids when they were younger than 5. Never know when a cool opportunity arises and you don't want to be stuck, not able to travel or take advantage because of this.

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KidRooch t1_ja2vqme wrote

I kinda get that. Alaska is closer to more opps for international travel.

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Solgrund t1_ja4tv9w wrote

They are also Type 1 or whatever documentation. Which means a lot of times you can show only a passport instead of multiple types of id and they are in the same class or above the new Real ID things some states are starting to require for even domestic travel.

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Harry_Gorilla t1_ja2nydz wrote

Does alaska not offer a state ID card?

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alice_op t1_ja2opac wrote

Do you never travel outside of the USA?

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Harry_Gorilla t1_ja2se8l wrote

The easiest form of ID to acquire for an infant is a state issued ID card. It can be acquired same day in most states, whereas a passport takes weeks of planning and has a much slower turnaround time. So the only reason to get a passport instead is because you plan to travel outside the country. Source: am former TSA screener.

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alice_op t1_ja2zt7j wrote

Yes, exactly. If you ever want to go abroad, you must plan and apply for a passport weeks-months in advance, but they last for years. Why wouldn't you apply way before you might need it?

Cheap deals and trips with friends will go completely to waste if you lack a passport.

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CPTDisgruntled t1_ja3w7ir wrote

I think it’s also faster and easier to get a NEW passport if you already had one.

A young friend moved across U.S. Nobody had a clue where his birth certificate was. Procedure to get a duplicate was complicated. But we could use his expired passport, which implicitly confirms that U.S. government has already seen ID documents, to apply for a new passport, which he could use to open a bank account etc.

There’s obviously a cutoff for expiration—don’t remember if it was five years or what. But having initiated that means the next passport should be easier.

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fifoldara t1_ja4cbu5 wrote

Not for children in the U.S., you have to go through the same application/proof of citizenship/both parents present or signing off on it every time.

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HelenaBirkinBag t1_ja59662 wrote

Yes. I was present with my ex when my children’s passports were both issued and renewed. Ironically, we didn’t need our actual children for the renewal (just pics) but both of us had to request it together.

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Aadaenyaa t1_ja67bqi wrote

Wow. As a passport acceptance agent, I can tell you, the children are required every time. Children's passports aren't renewed. You need every thing, every time. Without the child there, how do we know it's the correct child? Children change appearances very quickly, that's why their passports are only good for 5 years. You could literally provide a photo of ANY child and claim it was the same one.

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HelenaBirkinBag t1_ja69yi0 wrote

Well, I don’t know what to tell you. We didn’t have them with us for their renewals, and there were no issues.

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Aadaenyaa t1_ja7pwtw wrote

Directly from the State Department website:

https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/passports/need-passport/under-16.html

Children Under 16

All children under age 16 must apply for a passport in person with two parents or guardians using Form DS-11. You cannot renew your child's passport using Form DS-82. Passports for children under age 16 are only valid for 5 years.

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HelenaBirkinBag t1_ja9ghge wrote

Again, I don’t know what to tell you other than I remember two years ago accurately.

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Harry_Gorilla t1_ja3zjoh wrote

True. But if mom is thinking that far ahead she should also open a bank account and credit card in the kiddo’s name. I did that for my kids when they turned 5, but skipped the passport because having a passport won’t improve their ability to get a home or a car later in life

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ThatOneGuy308 t1_ja3ym50 wrote

I don't think I've ever seen a deal cheap enough that I could afford it.

I can't even afford domestic flights to a few states over, much less overseas, so I don't see the purpose of a passport, myself.

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akairborne t1_ja3zeht wrote

Things can change very quickly, so it's handy to have. Plus, if you're within a few hours of a border, it's easy to drive across and have an international weekend.

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ThatOneGuy308 t1_ja3zw4o wrote

I'm definitely not near enough to a border that I'd want to drive there, lol.

Idk, it just seems like a pointless expenditure for me, personally.

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akairborne t1_ja47l1s wrote

I understand. I hope that your situation changes soon and you get the money and opportunity to travel.

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ThatOneGuy308 t1_ja4bbeu wrote

Thanks for that, I hope so as well, even if I don't really see it happening.

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i_need_a_username201 t1_ja4fuh2 wrote

Only 5 states have that kind of OD and i don’t believe Alaska has the enhanced license required to go to Canada without a passport (Google is your friend naysayers).

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speculatrix t1_ja2gzy5 wrote

People take their children on holiday/vacation abroad all the time here in Europe. Our son had a passport aged 7, daughter 5, to go to Disneyland/Paris.

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Redbeardtheloadman t1_ja3c610 wrote

Okay, does that not qualify as leaving the country?

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speculatrix t1_ja4rbhk wrote

Yes, abroad = leaving the country

But I might misunderstand your comment?

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HelenaBirkinBag t1_ja59q7l wrote

There are different zones and treaties in Europe. It depends where you live and where you are going. Example: UK to France, you need a passport. France to Germany, you do not.

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ichigoichi3 t1_ja4p4ae wrote

Even in Canada, everyone gets passports for their babies and go all over. It’s very normal.

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stlmick t1_ja2s28w wrote

it is uncommon in the US.

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kimar2z t1_ja35fqp wrote

To be fair - it's really only super uncommon only in lower income households. Ya know, people who can't afford to travel and whatnot.

I say that, of course, by at 27 years old I still don't have a passport and my baby sister got hers at 17 after saving up for a year to plan a summer trip to visit a friend who lived in Italy. Pretty sure my mom doesn't have one either, tbh.

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stlmick t1_ja36z9w wrote

Well I am from the midwest. When I was 23, I had a buddy who had never left the state border. We went to a different city on a road trip with our friends band. He was stoked. It was on our side of the city though. We offered to drive an extra 20 minutes but that wouldn't have counted so we didn't.

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kimar2z t1_ja39dsr wrote

Your poor friend hahaha. I know people like that! But in my case it's almost reasonable, because I live in Texas. You can pretty much drive all day and still be in Texas. Sometimes I think that Texas is inescapable and my presence here is a form of punishment for some atrocious sin I must have committed in a past life. Texas is suffering.

Then again, I went to Canada briefly as a child for my uncle's wedding. But I was like 3 years old and I only kinda remember it. It was in like 1999 too, so I didn't even need a passport to go. Kinda crazy looking back on it haha.

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Lexnal t1_ja3biw0 wrote

Texas is huge, I always found it funny that the state of Texas accounted for half of my drive to and from MN.

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HelenaBirkinBag t1_ja5abae wrote

That’s common in the Midwest but uncommon on the coasts. It’s cheaper for me to fly to Reykjavik than it is to LA. My children are teens and have traveled to Europe on four separate occasions, but they’ve never been to California. I went to uni in Ohio and it blew my mind how many people had never seen the ocean.

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Altruistic-Bad228 t1_ja374jt wrote

Don't worry bud, I didn't get mine til I was 26.

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kimar2z t1_ja39jmy wrote

Fair enough. I hope to get mine one day, if nothing else because I live in Texas and I'm close(ish) to the Mexico border, and my boyfriend has family that lives in Mexico, so at some point we'd like to go see some of them... but it'll be a bit lol

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pgm928 t1_ja4c902 wrote

I didn’t get a passport until I was in my mid-30s. Who are these people trotting off to Paris at a moment’s notice?

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[deleted] t1_ja2s9kz wrote

[deleted]

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amazingsandwiches t1_ja2tdr7 wrote

Wow, you sure do know a lot about Europe!

Since you're the expert, you might want to delete this baseless untruth from wikipedia.

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mrdannyg21 t1_ja2u2cf wrote

Americans need a passport to go to Canada or Mexico, or any other country. Normal exceptions apply, like for deployed military.

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nothxshadow t1_ja3eexy wrote

You don't need a passport within the EU and not even outside it in some countries.

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JarrekValDuke t1_ja4ldng wrote

When your country spans the size of several large countries with as vast and diverse travel spots as each of those countries combined ranging from countries like Australia to the Swiss alps…. And all you need to visit them is a simple plane ticket and a night of clothes? International trips are…. Kinda unheard of

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speculatrix t1_ja55u02 wrote

Yes, that's true, you can enjoy any climate or terrain in the USA. Mountains, snow, desert, lake.

International flights or trains are trivial here though. And, like I said, people will cross a border to go to a cheaper shop!

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JarrekValDuke t1_ja58rfb wrote

Yeah it’s super nutzo how the world is scaled, but yeah that’s why a 5 yo with a passport here and no planned trips are… weird

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PivotSquish t1_ja1wcg9 wrote

I disagree. I just applied for one for our 18 month old. While we are planning to leave the country soon, I’d get one anyway so he has some formal form of photo ID. If his birth certificate were to get lost, or somehow I needed to verify his name/birthright etc, it’s a good thing to have.

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Happydivorcecard t1_ja2d39u wrote

That makes sense for an intact marriage, but not when you are divorced. It poses a different set of concerns then.

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Darknessie t1_ja2093u wrote

Isn't that agreeing with the Statement

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FlyingSpagetiMonsta t1_ja20p7k wrote

Nah, first commenter said getting a passport ONLY makes sense if you plan to go somewhere.

Second commenter said that getting a passport so the kid has some form of ID also makes sense.

So the second commenter disagrees with there being only 1 reason to get the passport

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Darknessie t1_ja218gs wrote

Ah I read second disagreed then said they got one because they were planning on leaving which is what the first commented they were doing.

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ProfMasterBait t1_ja2xke2 wrote

i don’t know about americans but it’s normal in my country to get a passport for everyone

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StuckInTheUpsideDown t1_ja3p1n0 wrote

It's absolutely not normal in America, and I'm saying this as someone who just renewed my kids' passports for an upcoming cruise.

The US makes it a huge pain to get a passport for a minor. It is only good for 5 years, you have to renew in person, and it's expensive (over $100). No one is going to all that trouble unless they are at least casually planning a trip, or live near the border.

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Embarrassed_B_23 t1_ja4hyk8 wrote

Well, if parents travel internationally as much or more than in-country… a passport would be a standard “on the to-do list” just like signing them up for pre-K. It was my for may family.

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just-kath t1_ja41h4h wrote

Due to the times, I was happy to hear that my grandchild has a passport secured at age 5

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ScorpionDreams t1_ja3hvk0 wrote

All of my kids had passports as soon as I could order them. You don't ever do anything spontaneously? What a nightmare trying to get a last minute passport...

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Crytch t1_ja3kqvg wrote

Kind of off-topic, but what a glorious comment, showing the mental state of americans. You got a country big enough to have every climate type, fair enough. But hell, the world has much more to offer. Especially in terms of historical things of any kinds (Europe, Asia, South America), animals (i.e. Africa), and whatsoever.

Go get yourself a passport and travel the world. Free your mind, witness the beauty of our world.

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not_czarbob t1_ja3nk92 wrote

I love Europe and go there as often as I can. However international travel is prohibitively expensive for many Americans.

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Crytch t1_ja3q2gw wrote

Well, same for Europeans going to Asia, Africa or America. Travelling is expensive, but you grow so much as a person going abroad instead of travel your own country only.

Btw wasn’t meant as personal critism. Just an observation that a lot Americans have never left their country border. Maybe my thinking is different, I couldn’t live my life without discovering different places.

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CazRaX t1_ja45w2u wrote

It's MUCH cheaper for me to travel the US and money is a factor for everything you do.

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Crytch t1_ja48unh wrote

gif

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CazRaX t1_jaefj1w wrote

Your comment was about traveling the world and I explained why so many Americans don't. You even understand why yet your comment said to "travel the world" when it would cost way more money.

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Crytch t1_jaeg4rp wrote

Thats common knowledge, lol. Not rly worth to say so.

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sarasmiles08 t1_ja2jwel wrote

I got my kids passports by the time they were two because sometimes opportunity pop up and the effort it takes to get a passport quickly (I’ve done it) is stress-inducing. But I’d be concerned if she’s not generally a traveler. Children don’t need an ID even to fly domestically so the only reason you need a passport is to leave the country or to just feel cool that you have one.
Other countries say you should carry a notarized letter from the other parent when traveling alone with a child but I was only once ever asked for it and that was in Canada.

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brucebay t1_ja5hm6q wrote

They rarely ask in US. Only once they asked one of my friends at the departure. I travel overseas frequently too. In most cases we have notarized letters. Once I left a letter overseas coming back, and that is the only time they asked me if I have permission to bring the kids back to US. I told them I had a letter but left it back overseas and they were cool with it.

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blackmilksociety t1_ja63mpa wrote

Yeah I had my first passport about 3 years old. I think a passport is one of those things you should just have on hand. Just like you said you ever know when an opportunity may come and I’ve had it happen to me several times throughout my life.

If OP discussed getting the passport I don’t see the big deal. Kids get excited about all sorts of stuff and their first passport is something new and exciting.

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nickeypants t1_ja3zj84 wrote

Unless you have a court order stipulating out of country travel and shared custody, a childs passport should be off the table regardless of the health of your coparenting relationship. You texting your ex about your reservations was the second best thing you could have done. Validating your own emotions and not getting the passport would have been the first. Your fear is not irrational at all. It is based on real stories from real people.

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xxBeatrixKiddoxx t1_ja41dp2 wrote

THIS MOVE IT UP

My husbands ex took the kids and didn’t return them on time. This was before a parenting plan was in place. And the cops said without the PP they couldn’t do shit. we have allllll this labeled out in court paperwork now.

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tomdharry t1_ja4qv0n wrote

'merica is absolutely crazy

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Frecklefishpants t1_ja5fart wrote

Right? Even in Canada when my husband and his ex got a standard parenting arrangement it specifically stated that they would maintain a passport for the child, who would pay for it, who would hold it and that neither would prevent the child from having opportunities to travel with their other parent.

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Arnlaugur1 t1_ja5cu2d wrote

Yeah wasn't expecting this culture shock of all things

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MarshallExpresso t1_ja1ugxl wrote

Why couldn’t they just get the kid a state ID? I’d be sussed out too honestly.

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TimeSlipperWHOOPS t1_ja278xp wrote

All my kids have had them as babies. Some people travel internationally 🤷‍♂️

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JimJam28 t1_ja3buz2 wrote

Have you ever travelled outside of the USA?

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coupl4nd t1_ja2711c wrote

Amazing she got reception on the plane!

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Thechristieatoz t1_ja2ekhc wrote

I think we’d honestly need more information about the way that you both coparent to form an opinion here. It sounds like she’s currently got custody or the child is under her watch at the time. I don’t have children so I don’t know but why would she need to take him if she’s currently watching him and (possibly) currently coparenting without issues. Has she tried to withhold visits in the past?

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12kdaysinthefire t1_ja4bsvj wrote

Getting a 5 year old a passport without any out of country trips planned is a weird ass thing to do. All that paperwork and the fees involved, just seems weird.

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HelenaBirkinBag t1_ja5be02 wrote

Not necessarily. My mother got me one at twelve with nothing planned. She wanted me to value my American citizenship, and thought being able to travel to so many places with just a passport (no additional visa) was/is one of the best things about being American.

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JRsFancy t1_ja2p15q wrote

I don't think you acted or thought irrationally at all.

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Bloodiest-Taint t1_ja1td59 wrote

Yep, you fucked up. Always triple check who you’re texting especially if it’s a sensitive topic like that.

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smc62 t1_ja25orc wrote

Is it really that easy to abduct a child this way these days? Color me skeptical.

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Qyro t1_ja26yin wrote

Is it really that easy for the mother of a child to take them abroad? Yeah, why would anyone stop them? And then once she’s out of the country what can you do to force them back?

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TheOriginalSmileyMan t1_ja29a2s wrote

Well unless she's got permission to stay, live and work, most other countries will do the forcing back for you.

If the ex wife has dual nationality or close family abroad then it would be more of a worry, but OP said nothing to indicate that

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vember_94 t1_ja2pvsd wrote

This is correct, a lot of the other replies to this comment are giant copes

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TheOriginalSmileyMan t1_ja2sr9s wrote

Thanks, thought I was going mad for a while! 😄

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3than_OG t1_ja3yp2z wrote

My mother got a new partner abroad and moved out on the guise of a holiday to my dad (separated at this point) taking me with her, she stayed for months until she was in an accident and came back. Meanwhile my dad was powerless to do anything because I live with her

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Ragnarotico t1_ja2hox7 wrote

Lots of people with dual citizenship. Also lots of ways to stay abroad for a long time/indefenitely. Can go from place to place on temporary/visitor's VISAs. They might also have a "friend" in a certain country that can marry them, etc.

The threat of taking a child and leaving the country is a common one in divorce/domestic abuse situations.

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CazRaX t1_ja465kx wrote

Yeah no, people stay when not supposed to all the time, it is rather common.

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HelenaBirkinBag t1_ja5bmms wrote

In the US, the majority of illegal immigrants come here legally and out stay their visas.

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Qyro t1_ja2xnjn wrote

>Well unless she's got permission to stay, live and work…

Things that are also not too hard to obtain. People emigrate all the time.

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TAOJeff t1_ja2yu6k wrote

Yes, especially if she's got the same surname as the kids. If the surnames are different, there is additional paperwork required to prove it isn't a kidnapping. I know someone who kept her married name for this reason.

But yes, it's very easy for a parent to move countries with a child leaving the other parent with bugger all legal options. While there is usually a requirement for a work/permanent VISA, the parent in question doesn't need to tell anyone about it, and the country issuing it isn't going to tell anyone if they are asked.

I say a VISA is usually required, there are situations where you can request asylum in a destination country. Everyone is immediately going to think of refugees in sinking boats trying to enter the EU or something like that. The problem the refugees in boats usually have is, they have passed through other countries. If you want refugee status, you have to ask in the first country you get to. (Example : If you were fleeing Liberia and boarded a plan that landed in Ghana and you then got onto another flight to the UK. The UK will tell you to piss off, because you should have asked Ghana)

There are cases where the opposite happens, family is leaving the country, so they go to the airport, parents board the plan and leave the kids behind. Yes, am aware that sounds made up, but it isn't and it's worse than you think because it was in a country with no social services nor any kind of facility that could assist.

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silent_cat t1_ja57jgc wrote

Dunno about elsewhere, but here (NL) if you're travelling by yourself with a kid under 18, you need some kind of proof at the border that the other parent consents.

Of course, you can go a bloody long way before you hit border controls, but it's usually a problem for countries like Morocco and Turkey.

Edit: it's not foolproof obviously, but it prevents a lot of the simple cases.

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wokewhale t1_ja2h8v6 wrote

This was registered 58 times in the Netherlands last year. If a parent decides to take their child somewere, noone is gonna stop them. Usually the parent has a double nationality, so the other country won't send them back.

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__neone t1_ja3wc9y wrote

It’s how I was abducted at that age by my father during parents divorce.

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Distorted_Penguin t1_ja5s4jf wrote

It wouldn’t be considered abduction until mom and kid were way beyond reach. What tsa agent is going to ask for proof from dad that the kid is allowed to travel internationally?

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smc62 t1_ja5wy9i wrote

I think you're right about TSA. It's not really their job to worry about that stuff is it?

Here's a blurb from the US Dept. of State web site: "Be aware the United States does not have exit controls or require two-parent consent for a minor to travel across international borders. Law enforcement may be unable to prevent an abduction without a valid court order clearly prohibiting the child’s travel outside of the United States."

And even more info: https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction/prevention/prevention-faqs.html

It looks like there are steps that a parent can take ahead of time to help prevent an abduction from taking place.

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Butterking15 t1_ja2bt71 wrote

Shouldve just gone to Legoland and got a Lego drivers license

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LeoAbrid t1_ja3xjds wrote

I had one of those when I was a kid :D

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3than_OG t1_ja3y0tj wrote

My mum did this to me, only she did leave to stay with a new partner in Spain, only came back when it fell apart after a few months

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EightEnder1 t1_ja2xc13 wrote

It's not a bad thing that your ex knows you're fearful of losing your son. It just means you care.

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PuzzleheadedTap4484 t1_ja3r6zy wrote

My kids have had passports since they were babies. Every 5 years we renew. And if the child is taken out of the country usually they require a notarized letter from the other parent stating that they have their permission. My husband was working overseas and knew I wanted to take the kids to Canada for a day trip which he was totally fine with. I was told I needed a letter even though they have passports because their dad wasn’t physically with us.

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Late_Advice_9793 t1_ja4g80l wrote

I had my first passport at 3 months old but the only reason because my parents were immigrants

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Mauledbysilk t1_ja46wsy wrote

I would have an earnest conversation with her expressing your concern and perhaps ask if she would consider having the passport held for safe keeping by an impartial third party, perhaps a relative or friend you both trust. That seems fair and if she does not agree then why not?

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sadieface t1_ja48dex wrote

I live and had my children in a different country than where I was born. I traveled back to my home country 1-2 times a year when my kids were small, and I always had to have a letter that was signed by a notary that my husband was aware of these travel plans, even though we were married, I was still required to have this even though we were married. So there are some safe guards there.

Is there a reason you would think she would do this? Is she from another country? Has she ever eluded to wishing she could move back home?

Having a passport for your child is totally reasonable. Since Covid passport processing has been taking a long time to n my country, so it would be wise to have one “just in case”, IMO.

All you can do is apologize and say it was a stupid fleeting thought that you let get out of control.

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HelenaBirkinBag t1_ja58iyk wrote

The US/Canada land border requires a letter from the other parent. The Schengen Zone did not, and though I had documentation from my ex, I was not asked for it. Though I don’t hold my children’s passports, I do have photos of the information pages.

Though honestly, in a kidnapping scenario, she would be stupid to travel with their real identities because it is so easily tracked now that passports have chips.

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SoftDev90 t1_ja1woz8 wrote

Shit im 32, almost 33, and still dont have a passport lol. I have been to Mexico and Canada a ton though. I don't know how id feel with my ex wife asking for a passport for our 8 year old daughter. Not that she needs one to go to Canada or anything like that (We live on the border up north). We have both taken her out of country to these places many times without issues, but there is solace in knowing she can't just hop on a plane and take off out of country with her, so I'd be inclined not to get her one right now personally.

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iTwango t1_ja26d1s wrote

How have you been to Mexico or Canada without a passport??

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SoftDev90 t1_ja27cyz wrote

Enhanced Drivers License. To get my kids into Canada or Mexico, all I need is their birth certificates. We live in Michigan on the border of CA, so we drive over quite a lot.

https://www.dhs.gov/enhanced-drivers-licenses-what-are-they

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NC_Vixen t1_ja2hqba wrote

I won't lie, you Americans are something else.

Like bruh, being from Australia, I literally can't go anywhere without a passport. It's just standard to have a passport for your child and renew it when it expires. People not having a passport is literally not a thing, bar the handful of people who are like "I will never leave the country guaranteed".

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LynnSeattle t1_ja2kc06 wrote

There are a couple reasons for this. The US is large enough that a person can travel extensively without crossing a border. Also, employees in the US rarely have enough paid vacation time to take long vacations.

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NC_Vixen t1_ja2trh1 wrote

Oh bro, I've been, great place, loved it. 10/10 back next Jan.

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iTwango t1_ja3ngl1 wrote

Where in the US have you visited? Glad you liked it :)

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SoftDev90 t1_ja47bar wrote

I get 3 weeks paid vacation a year. I could travel overseas if I wanted, but since my driver's license let's me into Mexico, Canada, and the Caribean by land or sea travel, there's plenty to explore without a passport that I don't feel held back by not having one. Of course if I ever wanted to fly to somewhere in one of those places, I'd need to get one, but I'd know enough ahead of time to go and get one if that was the case :)

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Late_Advice_9793 t1_ja4g499 wrote

Yeah the only reason I have a passport is because my parents are immigrants lol 😂

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HelenaBirkinBag t1_ja5cq05 wrote

Australia is huge. Nine hours from Sidney to Melbourne by car, if memory serves me.

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framejunkie t1_ja3cwdq wrote

We have many places to go within the US that are so different, it's like you leaving your country for a holiday, except we don't have to change currency or worry about international bank fraud. I live in California, have family in Hawaii. It's like traveling to another country both in weather and how they treat import/export of agricultural items and the culture and way of life, except everything I need to work domestically like money withdrawals or credit card charges work without fees, and I'm still protected by the rules and laws of the US Constitution and all the security and legal apparatus we have. It's a pretty nice secure feeling knowing the same general rules and freedoms apply to me anywhere I go in this country.

Going from west to east coast is a major cultural difference, and even up and down the east coast or across the Midwest or the deep south, or even panhandle versus southern tip of Florida is different everywhere. New things to see and experience like accents, new immigrant communities and histories, new foods, new national or state parks, festivals, drive for 1000 miles in a day if you want to just for the sake of seeing the countryside, you name it. All of that stuff without having to pay for a passport and international plane tickets. We are spoiled in this way.

I do love going abroad, but have no money to do that anymore so I stay in country.

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newnails t1_ja3qwjm wrote

Europeans can go to 5 different countries in a weekend without needing a passport. Not sure why you guys don't have an agreement with NZ tbh

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HelenaBirkinBag t1_ja5ck4l wrote

To be fair, there are plenty of Aussies like that. I dated one.

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DamnitGoose t1_ja2muq9 wrote

I used to go to Canada all the time to play hockey as a kid and all I needed was a copy of my birth certificate. But that changed in the early 2000s

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smc62 t1_ja4n2nt wrote

Not sure about Mexico but Canada seems to be on the lookout for child abductions. A divorced buddy was attempting entry from Alaska with his two teenage children several years back and they would not let the kids in without first verifying with his ex that it was ok.

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Frgty t1_ja2ff2c wrote

You don't need anything to get into Mexico, you just drive right in.

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Trvlng_Drew t1_ja2exfb wrote

When my daughter was 16, ex needed a break fair enough. Sent my kid by herself, had to show that I had full custody, so went through the headache. Daughter went back a few months later no hassles. That was alone true, and 16 but still had to have the paperwork

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DirtyBirdy16 t1_ja2vwlk wrote

You don’t need a passport unless you are leaving the country…

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j33205 t1_ja3kswn wrote

It's not even the passport part that's sketchy, you're allowed to get your child a passport for whatever legitimate reason. But not telling the other parent?

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deano413 t1_ja3vaqz wrote

should of titled this TIFU by allowing my ex wife to gaslight me.

I guarantee you if you had asked her for a passport the things going through her mind would make your head spin.

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Singsalotoday t1_ja4ppk7 wrote

Honestly I think it’s sweet that you care about y’all’s relationship so much. For what I understand being a parent can make you kind of paranoid?

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picrembup t1_ja5rzz5 wrote

Unless we’re planning on going outside the US, there really isn’t a need for a passport for a minor. Identification isn’t required for minors when traveling throughout the US.

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somber_opossum t1_ja5xjk1 wrote

I think it’s one to express your fears even if you don’t rationally think she would leave with him. It shows your love and concern for your child. Which a rational woman would want you to have

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Abject_Anxiety_28 t1_ja6anbu wrote

And you come to Reddit with this? Are you out of your mind? It’s like asking someone about how to turn on the stove and being given directions to make a bomb! People have an easier time being AH and judgy in the internet. Gosh.

PS. I’ve had a passport since I was a 6-month baby. I look freaking cute in the picture. My parents still have it. :D

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Jacqtjakaa t1_ja2fky8 wrote

Weird i only had both my kids their passport at 6 months old because i went on holiday with them. If i didn't need it why should i get a passport?

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duhvorced t1_ja2mrs8 wrote

This sort of thing comes with the territory when you’re divorced with kids. You text your ex regularly, and text apps don’t do a good job of making it easy to distinguish people. Texts are gonna go awry. We’ve all done it.

I’ve mis-sent texts intended for my girlfriend (now wife) to my ex on more than one occasion. And she’s done the same. It’s awkward, but you laugh about it and move on. In this hyper-connected world we’re in, it pays to be apologetic and compassionate.

I’ve actually come to see this sort of misstep as kind of a good thing. It helps keep us honest about our feelings. For example, your ex now knows about the fear you had - which is understandable by the way - but also that you were able to trust her despite that. That’s not a bad thing.

This will blow over.

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RevealCalm8788 t1_ja30tfi wrote

We have enhanced non driver ids for our kids because we live at the boarder of Canada. Passports expire too fast for kids. If her reason was that she wanted some form of ID for him that was not the way to go.

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PonderousSledge t1_ja48dof wrote

Brother, she got you good, didn't she? You do your best to play nice, and you try to think the best of everyone. I mean, bitterness is toxic, and there's a fine fine line between caution and paranoia. Plus, sure she's your ex, but she's also your kid's mother, and little dude means the world to you. To both of you. So you find a rational excuse for the red flags and put the work into recognizing your own flaws, because that's what decent people do. And while she may have used those flaws against you in egregious ways in the time leading up to the divorce, and doubled down during the process itself, well, of course, she was upset, and people get nasty when they fight, and besides, she may have even had a couple of points, so you're going to do everything that you can to become an even better version of yourself. For you and for him. You're going to beat the stigma of the bitter divorced dad. You're going to show trust and compassion and be the example that he's going to need. Maybe that you could have used when you were growing up. And those are all super admirable traits. You're not wrong.

But.

"Hey, son-of-my-ex, guess what? Surprise! We're going to Fiji!" is not "spontaneous," and may actually violate the terms of your custody agreement. Getting a passport isn't free. Getting one for your child only makes sense if you're planning on needing it. And if she hasn't actually purchased the tickets yet, she's definitely hit Expedia with intention sometime recently.

Learn to tell her no. Set boundaries and enforce them. Trust yourself to know when things make sense. And stop fighting yourself in your head on her behalf.

I mean, there's my nickel's worth of free advice from an internet stranger, you do with it as you will. But I for one move to strike this from the register of fuck ups, and suggest forwarding it to the department of lucky saves.

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commandrix t1_ja4262f wrote

You did jump to a rather big conclusion there. It's possible that she thought of reasons to have a passport handy other than taking a big international trip or just pull a disappearing act with your son. She could even be planning a trip to Niagara Falls, where if you walk around a bit, you'll bump up against the Canadian border.

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pchandler45 t1_ja2wt59 wrote

That's not the f up my dude. The f up is not trusting your gut. There's no reason for a passport unless you're leaving the country. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

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DeeZyWrecker t1_ja2wvq2 wrote

You fucked up earlier by not discussing it with her. I mean, I know she's your ex, but we should just get people used to being open and honest about everything. It's obviously a thought that you couldn't repress or dismiss, let's be honest, so let it out (and I can't blame you, I mean dude, a passport for a 5 year old as an ID and not a normal state ID? That's suspicious, if not a dead-give-away)

Could've just brought it up to her on the phone or in person, directly and in very simple and friendly words. Or just ask "Why a passport and not a state ID?" without stating it completely. She'd do the math. Anyways, I hope everything's good, although I think the reason she didn't text back is because she was exposed. Wonder how things went.

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Smacktardius t1_ja2xblk wrote

I find it funny how you never once said she fucked up, even though he did right he still fucked up. Hmmmm

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DeeZyWrecker t1_ja2yujb wrote

Uh... that's not the point? If this was a question of who's right or wrong, then in case she actually is running with the kid, we would have to ask HIM to not say "I fucked up by accidentally texting her" (let alone me saying he fucked up), because who cares what she feels about the text if she's really doing it?

"Fucking up" in this context has nothing to do with right or wrong, it only concerns how smoothly a certain isolated situation could've gone instead of how it did, and to me, it would've been better if he just told her straight, than to say it accidentally. He's not wrong, he's a victim, and if she in fact is leaving the country, then well, yeah, she is wrong.

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