The title pretty much says it.

Apologies for my writing, I'm on mobile and in no fit state to read what I've wrote properly.

To begin with I've (24m) suffered with my mental health for as long as I can remember with at best suicidal thoughts and at worst suicidal tendencies - I've never acted on them apart from self harming. I've tried getting help for it after a decade by firstly trying therapy through my works health plan however this was a 6 week session and more tailored to grief.

They made it about my father who I've had no relationship and abandoned me when I was a kid and again at 14. He has no bearing on my life and I never think about him but when prodded in that direction I can go into detail. I ended up using 4 sessions before I managed to get a place through Let's Talk in the NHS.

While they were really good at providing strategies I didn't manage to use them as when that darkness sets they were the last thing to cross my mind. I used them on a weekly basis for 5 months before having a brief happier period and we agreed that I was finished.

I won't go into my mental health any further but I hope this paints a picture that I'm not right in the head.

I have always used work as a "safe space" where I was too focused on my work to be in my head. I've been in my current job for just over 2 years and with the company for 3 years total. I truly enjoy my job. What I don't enjoy is office politics. I have been used as a scapegoat for colleagues on 3 occasions who I considered to be friends and the first two I'll never know what I did to make them turn on me but the most recent was in October.

My colleague ill call Heather was my closest friend in the team. She has struggled with mental health herself and is double my age so I had high respect for her. This had changed over the two years I've known her where she became more entitled as time went on. I won't go into detail here as its not relevant however by last October I was only staying friends with her as it wasn't worth the headache.

In October Heather was politely asked to make sure she turns up on time and if late to work it back. She had been doing this for over 6 months at this point and she was offended as she had to drive her son to work every morning and couldn't make up the time as she had to leave straight after work and pick him up again (he is 26 and his work is on a direct bus route from outside his house - he's also on a fair bit more money than us so could definitely afford the travel)

Even I ended up calling her out on this behavior to which she screamed at me repeating the above and how she shouldn't be expected to let her son sit out in the cold and how dare I when I spend an hour every day in the bathroom. - at the time I would spend 10 minutes in the bathroom most days just to get a breather from her.

The more she was asked to show up on time the angrier she got. Eventually as the management in our team don't like confrontation they decided to have a team meeting about respect and how it's important to turn up on time and allowed us all to air our grievances about respect which is when Heather decided to discuss how she was furious that some people in the team go to the bathroom for over an hour everyday clearly aiming at me.

I didn't say anything and after the meeting ended I went to make a coffee where Heather was talking with a colleague and calling me fit to burn. I didn't say anything but when she noticed me behind her pretended to burn herself by holding a tea bag.

After this I decided I wanted nothing to do with her. This was then followed by me being pulled into a meeting as Heather was really upset I wouldn't look at her in passing. My team leader had told her that she isn't here to make everyone friends and she can't help to which Heather broke down crying in the bathroom with the team leader and two other colleagues about how it was unfair. She was then signed off for 3 weeks and following this went on a cruise for 2 more weeks.

I'm now constantly paranoid at work and having to watch everything I do. It's been a source of anxiety and stress and while I've heard nothing since I still don't feel safe at work anymore.

This is where my team leader comes in who I'll call Alice. I've always got along so well with her and she has been a rock for me throughout all of the issues with different colleagues. I genuinely see her as a big sister.

As she is both of our team leader and was friends with both of us she has been put in a difficult place and essentially had to choose Heather over me for fear of the consequences. I have felt abandoned and to the point where I was told (as a friend) to stop going on about Heather as she gets it from her too.

I also had a close friend pass away on Christmas day due to a blood clot at 29. This has really made my head spin and sent me on a downward spiral to having the worst mental health I've ever had. It has made me angry at everything and that's not an emotion I'm used to having.

I have had multiple meetings with her about how I've been let down by her as an employee and we have ended up having a 45 minute meeting every Wednesday that started two weeks ago. The first one was really helpful and really went a long way into helping me feel more secure.

The second meeting was cut short as I had caught covid and wasn't expected to be able to work but I did from home. Nothing new was brought to the table and Alice asked if we could rearrange and I agreed. She never booked a replacement meeting.

My third meeting was supposed to be today and again, I was told we may have a shorter meeting as she didn't have time to prepare. The time for the meeting came and she never arrived. After 20 minutes into our 45 minute slot I went out for a smoke and saw her doing the same across the road with the other team leader.

At this point my blood was boiling and I sent a scathing email to her saying that I was cancelling our meetings as they clearly weren't important and she didn't care. I can't bring myself to rewrite it all but I was extremely mean with how I wrote it.

Now Alice has been having a really hard time with structure changes in the higher management and in her personal life on top of this. I know that she has been barely able to keep herself together. I knew all this and still sent the email.

I calmed down not long after and was trying to write an apology but before I had she had responded with the manager saying that she has passed on the feedback about her to the manager.

I immediately responded to both that I'd didn't want to give feedback and I was venting but it was too late. I also did send the email to just her apologising over and over about how I spoke to her and that it was totally unacceptable.

She went home before responding, I tried to call her but she didn't answer and then sent her a text apologising again for hurting her and said I understand if she wants nothing to do with me.

I then called the manager and explained that again I didn't want this going any further and she said that's not an option as firstly the way I spoke was unacceptable - I clarified that I'm happy to take responsibility for that and the punishment that comes with it but I didn't want Alice to receive the feedback. We agreed to have an official meeting tomorrow to discuss how we got to this point so the manager can fully understand the situation.

I feel that I need to look at transferring out of the team for this or even looking for another job. I wish I didn't send the email in anger as she wasn't even why I was angry. I don't know why I was but I was, and I took it out on her.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

I forgot to add the TL;DR last time so resubmitted with below

TL;DR I'm a terrible friend who can't control his emotions and potentially jeopardised my job