Submitted by mrultratinytitch t3_10x44yw in tifu

The title pretty much says it.

Apologies for my writing, I'm on mobile and in no fit state to read what I've wrote properly.

To begin with I've (24m) suffered with my mental health for as long as I can remember with at best suicidal thoughts and at worst suicidal tendencies - I've never acted on them apart from self harming. I've tried getting help for it after a decade by firstly trying therapy through my works health plan however this was a 6 week session and more tailored to grief.

They made it about my father who I've had no relationship and abandoned me when I was a kid and again at 14. He has no bearing on my life and I never think about him but when prodded in that direction I can go into detail. I ended up using 4 sessions before I managed to get a place through Let's Talk in the NHS.

While they were really good at providing strategies I didn't manage to use them as when that darkness sets they were the last thing to cross my mind. I used them on a weekly basis for 5 months before having a brief happier period and we agreed that I was finished.

I won't go into my mental health any further but I hope this paints a picture that I'm not right in the head.

I have always used work as a "safe space" where I was too focused on my work to be in my head. I've been in my current job for just over 2 years and with the company for 3 years total. I truly enjoy my job. What I don't enjoy is office politics. I have been used as a scapegoat for colleagues on 3 occasions who I considered to be friends and the first two I'll never know what I did to make them turn on me but the most recent was in October.

My colleague ill call Heather was my closest friend in the team. She has struggled with mental health herself and is double my age so I had high respect for her. This had changed over the two years I've known her where she became more entitled as time went on. I won't go into detail here as its not relevant however by last October I was only staying friends with her as it wasn't worth the headache.

In October Heather was politely asked to make sure she turns up on time and if late to work it back. She had been doing this for over 6 months at this point and she was offended as she had to drive her son to work every morning and couldn't make up the time as she had to leave straight after work and pick him up again (he is 26 and his work is on a direct bus route from outside his house - he's also on a fair bit more money than us so could definitely afford the travel)

Even I ended up calling her out on this behavior to which she screamed at me repeating the above and how she shouldn't be expected to let her son sit out in the cold and how dare I when I spend an hour every day in the bathroom. - at the time I would spend 10 minutes in the bathroom most days just to get a breather from her.

The more she was asked to show up on time the angrier she got. Eventually as the management in our team don't like confrontation they decided to have a team meeting about respect and how it's important to turn up on time and allowed us all to air our grievances about respect which is when Heather decided to discuss how she was furious that some people in the team go to the bathroom for over an hour everyday clearly aiming at me.

I didn't say anything and after the meeting ended I went to make a coffee where Heather was talking with a colleague and calling me fit to burn. I didn't say anything but when she noticed me behind her pretended to burn herself by holding a tea bag.

After this I decided I wanted nothing to do with her. This was then followed by me being pulled into a meeting as Heather was really upset I wouldn't look at her in passing. My team leader had told her that she isn't here to make everyone friends and she can't help to which Heather broke down crying in the bathroom with the team leader and two other colleagues about how it was unfair. She was then signed off for 3 weeks and following this went on a cruise for 2 more weeks.

I'm now constantly paranoid at work and having to watch everything I do. It's been a source of anxiety and stress and while I've heard nothing since I still don't feel safe at work anymore.

This is where my team leader comes in who I'll call Alice. I've always got along so well with her and she has been a rock for me throughout all of the issues with different colleagues. I genuinely see her as a big sister.

As she is both of our team leader and was friends with both of us she has been put in a difficult place and essentially had to choose Heather over me for fear of the consequences. I have felt abandoned and to the point where I was told (as a friend) to stop going on about Heather as she gets it from her too.

I also had a close friend pass away on Christmas day due to a blood clot at 29. This has really made my head spin and sent me on a downward spiral to having the worst mental health I've ever had. It has made me angry at everything and that's not an emotion I'm used to having.

I have had multiple meetings with her about how I've been let down by her as an employee and we have ended up having a 45 minute meeting every Wednesday that started two weeks ago. The first one was really helpful and really went a long way into helping me feel more secure.

The second meeting was cut short as I had caught covid and wasn't expected to be able to work but I did from home. Nothing new was brought to the table and Alice asked if we could rearrange and I agreed. She never booked a replacement meeting.

My third meeting was supposed to be today and again, I was told we may have a shorter meeting as she didn't have time to prepare. The time for the meeting came and she never arrived. After 20 minutes into our 45 minute slot I went out for a smoke and saw her doing the same across the road with the other team leader.

At this point my blood was boiling and I sent a scathing email to her saying that I was cancelling our meetings as they clearly weren't important and she didn't care. I can't bring myself to rewrite it all but I was extremely mean with how I wrote it.

Now Alice has been having a really hard time with structure changes in the higher management and in her personal life on top of this. I know that she has been barely able to keep herself together. I knew all this and still sent the email.

I calmed down not long after and was trying to write an apology but before I had she had responded with the manager saying that she has passed on the feedback about her to the manager.

I immediately responded to both that I'd didn't want to give feedback and I was venting but it was too late. I also did send the email to just her apologising over and over about how I spoke to her and that it was totally unacceptable.

She went home before responding, I tried to call her but she didn't answer and then sent her a text apologising again for hurting her and said I understand if she wants nothing to do with me.

I then called the manager and explained that again I didn't want this going any further and she said that's not an option as firstly the way I spoke was unacceptable - I clarified that I'm happy to take responsibility for that and the punishment that comes with it but I didn't want Alice to receive the feedback. We agreed to have an official meeting tomorrow to discuss how we got to this point so the manager can fully understand the situation.

I feel that I need to look at transferring out of the team for this or even looking for another job. I wish I didn't send the email in anger as she wasn't even why I was angry. I don't know why I was but I was, and I took it out on her.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

I forgot to add the TL;DR last time so resubmitted with below

TL;DR I'm a terrible friend who can't control his emotions and potentially jeopardised my job

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-K_P- t1_j7q5bun wrote

I know this is a place to vent and all, not so much a place for advice, but I gotta ask... Does your job offer any sort of mental health counseling? I'm not familiar with the way it works in the UK (which going by the mention of the NHS, I'm assuming is where you are), but I know some places here in the US will offer that and if you talk with the manager about the situation there may be some mitigation in that... like you may be able to get back into some type of therapy through them and it may help you keep your job, though obviously not consequence free. Most places aren't just going to fire you willy-nilly if the issue is mental health related, unless the issue was violent/a safety issue. Just putting that out there, and hoping for the best for you... I know what it's like to be so overwhelmed it comes out accidentally in the workplace. My support to you.

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mrultratinytitch OP t1_j7q63zf wrote

The main point of the meetings were about assisting with my mental health in the office. Making sure that I'm going in the right directions, the first thing that did come from it was using an occupational health for stress in the office. They called today just after posting this and I requested that we do it another day because I didn't have the capacity to deal with it.

The meeting with my manager tomorrow isn't to discuss a punishment but to allow her to step in and take the next steps. I don't think I'll be fired for this but I do feel that I shouldn't be in the team if this is how I'm acting however if I do get fired then I accept that because I did wrong

Edit: Sorry, I forgot to mention. Yeah, it's the UK in England specifically

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-K_P- t1_j7q82oe wrote

I admire your willingness to take responsibility for your actions, because yes, ultimately our mental health is our own responsibility. However, it also sounds like you are being extremely hard on yourself, which can also be a symptom of many depressive disorders. It sounds like your manager is being very understanding of the situation, and from the way you have described what happened this was something that would have made A LOT of people snap. Please don't come down on yourself harder than you need to. Give yourself a chance to right this - go to the meeting and talk about it. Be honest and open, and listen to what the team has to say. The very fact that you are willing to try to make this right means you are on the right track here, so give yourself credit where credit is due. 🖤

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mrultratinytitch OP t1_j7qakti wrote

I may not have been as clear as I meant to be, I have been diagnosed with a severe depression already and been prescribed antidepressants but at best I felt no different and at worst just got the temporary down that you get for the first 6 weeks lasting months before I gave up on trying to use medication. For therapy through the NHS you have to be referred by your doctor.

I am definitely being too hard on my myself personally but I would be out for blood had someone else spoke to my team leader like I did so I think that is contributing to it.

My only hope is that she is able to at least forgive me enough to still work with me but I also accept if she doesn't get there.

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-K_P- t1_j7qmgkd wrote

I definitely got that you had been diagnosed with some type of depressive disorder, that's why I was pointing out the need to balance the whole taking responsibility thing with the acknowledgement of what you're doing right - like I said, give yourself credit where credit is due. That part is much harder for someone in your situation, so I know, easier said than done. 🖤 As for the NHS and how it works over there, again, I have no idea, as I am in the US (AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED on the lack of resources over here... I've worked in the mental health field for years over here and it's... ugh.), but please don't give up on yourself! It's worth fighting to get the help you need!

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monstblitz t1_j7qzmoj wrote

Advice for the future: When you're writing an email while angry, save it in draft form. Go ahead and write it as angry as you want in the first draft, just don't send! Read later, at least a couple of hours, next day if possible. More often than not, you'll have calmed down and be able to take the edge off and send a professional correspondence. Obviously too late for that in this situation but it can help you in the future.

I won't offer any advice on mental health, as I'm not equipped to do so. I will say I've had similar disputes with co-workers in a few different offices. Of course, we always feel like we're being wronged and our co-workers are the problem, but after having issues like this in several different settings I had to acknowledge that I was at least PART of the problem. It's something I've only learned over time, but now over halfway through my career, I've learned how to handle conflict properly and not let it get personal. Try and see things from others perspectives and realize that not all conflicts can be solved. Learn which conflicts are worth engaging in and which ones are better off ignoring.

Good luck!

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