This happened this morning.
This TIFU started on Saturday (it's Thursday now)
Matched with a girl on Facebook Dating and she was very cute. I did notice that she only smiled with her top row of teeth in the pictures and figured that her bottom teeth might be effed up, but didn't think much of it. She had trad wife energy and I was into it.
We end up meeting on Sunday after some pretty clean chatting. Turns out she lives exactly 8 mins from me so I offer to pick her up for our first date. I learn a LOT about her in a very short time - I won't reveal all the details, but she had battled a long time with eating disorders - thus her teeth a bit janky. From what I saw they weren't that bad.
This is all a red herring - nothing about this TIFU has to do with the teeth. I wanted to mention it because I was so focused on this that I didn't pick up the other red flags.
I also find out that she doesn't drink all that often and only at meal times if it's appropriate - how nice. She also lives with her parents - why? She has a surgery coming up and it's involving a lot of physical therapy - I piece together it's probably due to her aforementioned eat disorders and a complication thereof.
Otherwise, great date.
Fast forward to last night/this morning.
I invite her over for dinner. The plan was her dad would drop her off because she doesn't have her car due to a recent wreck and I would drive her home later that evening. Okay.
She also tells me that she is a felon like 1 hour before we hang out. Okay...
Don't worry, it's just 3 DUIs and it's over with. Thanks for telling me? [No, really, I should've paid attention to this red flag]
She comes over and after pleasantries I start to cook a shrimp curry soup. She asks for a drink - I show her my drink cabinet and picks out the most expensive tequila I have - that's fine. She proceeds to have 2 shots.
Biggest fuck up: I presume that EVERYONE is good at self regulation of their drinking. It's just what I believe - we know if we are getting toasted or not and it's intentional.
I join and catch up with 2 shots. I get a seltzer for myself and she grabs a cocktail. And another one. 4 drinks in 40 minutes for this 110 lb person. I assume she's good at holding her liquor.
After dinner we are cuddling where she has her head in my lap. Suddenly! To my surprise she takes her pants off and says "let's go to bed - a woman has needs."
Gentle reader - let me mention nothing sexual happened here. I was barely registering as tipsy and she was beyond drunk.
I set her in bed and she immediately passes out. No worries. I'll put a trashcan near her and I'll go watch some tv/plays games and check on her.
The horror story starts here:
I check on her and I realize that my bed is dark. I touch it: it's pee.
Just fucking great.
I attempt to rouse her and alert her she has soiled herself (and my bed). She wakes up and asks me why I'm waking her up and then tries to flirt with me. I then notice she's soiling herself. Again. Actively. .While trying to seduce me.
I somehow manage to get her to the bathroom and sit her on a toilet and have her drink water to sober up - this was a bad plan later.
She refuses to use the toilet and I ease her down to the ground on my fuzzy bath mat. I drape her with a towel and place another beneath her - just in case.
I then spend the next 5 hours until 4:30 AM washing my clothes, her clothes, my bedding, and comforter. At some point I sit on the couch where she was earlier and realized that she had soiled my couch. That's why she was so urgent to go to bed. FML.
(I do check on her to make sure she's okay and I end up changing her towel twice)
I finally decide to go to sleep at around 5 and I have work at 9, despite the ice storm. I set an alarm at 8 so I can drive her the hell home and forget it all happened.
At 6:30 she wakes up, confused and naked, to which I provide her some of my gym clothes that I don't really care about. I go back to the couch and she is embarrassed and hungry. Fine. Go eat leftovers, but let me sleep. She clangs around the kitchen awhile. She apparently ate all the shrimp in the soup. Great.
She decides to cuddle with me on the couch and I had no energy to push her away. She attempts to kiss me, but I rebuke it - and then realize there's gin on her breath.
I spring up and go to the kitchen and realize SHE DRANK ANOTHER 4 OZ of GIN. At 7:30 AM!
I run back to the bed and she's catatonic again.
I start to freak out and see her phone - she told me her birthday on the first date and used that to open her phone - voila. Turns out she missed like 9 calls from her parents, so I call them from her phone.
I explain every single detail of the happenings of the night and they are mortified.
I tell them I have work and they need to come get her now.
An hour later her father shows up - which is ridiculous because they live so close, but I was just happy he was there.
I had gathered her laundry, belongings, etc and give it to Dad. Dad is not happy. He yells at her and I tell him, "Hey, sorry, my house - please no yelling." He apologizes and agrees (surprised that actually worked, but I guess he was embarrassed about everything?) Dad takes the stuff and comes back and says, "She was almost 1 week sober. And this happens. Not your fault, son."
Oh.
The DUI thing makes sense now.
She CANNOT stand up by herself, so he tries to scoop her up from the couch, but she's completely dead weight and wakes up, yelling that she hates her dad
AND
PEES
ON
HIM
And my couch. Again.
We both end up dragging her to the car and my neighbors are watching, mortified of what seems like a kidnapping happening.
Her mom just texted me to apologize a few hours later and that she would get me my clothes back.
Edit: I'm most upset that in sitting here eating my shrimp-less soup
TL;DR: I ignore red flags on a cute a date and she ends up pissing on everything in my house and her father.