Technically my fuckup was on Friday, but I just found out about thus sub. Throwaway for clear reasons.
My boyfriend (32 M) and I (31 F) have been dating for 8 months now, and he's honestly one of the best boyfriends I've had. He is super kind and considerate, and has helped me through some dark moments I was going through when we met. We currently don't live together but things have been going really well. We hardly fight and if one of us has a problem, it's easy for me to feel like I can approach him.
About a month ago though I got a text from a friend of mine with a picture of my boyfriend eating ice cream with a woman I didn't recognize. He was supposed to be at work, and my friend (she works in the same area as the ice cream store) saw him there instead. I'm a little bit of a paranoid person because a previous partner has cheated on me before, so of course the alarm bells start ringing immediately. I talked myself through it and decided it was most likely a friend, and forgot about it.
Fast forward to Friday, I got an early day from work (remote) and wanted to surprise my boyfriend at work and take him out during his lunch break. When I got to his office though, the receptionist said he was out of office for a few days and wouldn't be back until Monday.
I tried not to freak out but I did a bit, and drove to his place. He was there and let me in, and it was just him. He told me he wasn't feeling too well and called out for a couple days, and he was sorry he forgot to tell me. I stayed over and we got takeout, and eventually we both fell asleep on the couch.
I woke up around 3 AM needing to use the washroom and saw his phone, and unfortunately curiosity got the better of me. I knew his password by catching it a few times when he entered it, not on purpose. His text messages seemed normal besides 2 conversations, one to a group chat with a bunch of people I didn't know, and one to a man named Jay (fake name). The group chat stood out because the people in it talked to my boyfriend as if they were family, inviting him to vacations and outings, etc. but I knew they weren't his family because I had met them before.
One person in the chat named Kristin also talked about how much their ice cream date meant to her, so I assumed she was probably the woman from last month. The texts to Jay were sparce and one sided, with my boyfriend sending random "I love you" and "I miss you" messages every now and then. I probably should've realized then what was happening but being the dumbass I am, took it as him having a partner and me being the side piece.
I woke him up immediately and showed him the phone, asking who the fuck Jay and these other people were. He looked so furious, I knew then and there I fucked up real bad. He's usually very stoic and collected, but the moment he saw the unlocked phone he got up and snatched it. He opened the photos app and pulled up a picture of him and a man together. "This is Jay, my husband. He killed himself 5 years ago."
He then explained to me that every year on Jay's bday, their wedding anniversary, and Jay's death anniversary, he and sometimes Jay's family members would do things Jay liked to do. On his birthday, which was last month, my boyfriend and Jay's older sister Kristin got ice cream at his favorite ice cream place. He had taken a few days off this week because this week was when he committed suicide, and they all planned on visiting his grave.
I had known my boyfriend was bi, but I had zero idea about Jay or his family. After he was done explaining everything, he calmly asked me to leave and not to contact him until he contacted me first.
I love this man so much, and I don't want to lose him. But I just accused him of cheating on me with his late husband. I have no idea where to even go from here.
TL;DR My boyfriend did some weird things over the course of a month and I ended up accusing him of cheating; turns out he was just honoring his late husband's memory with his family.
EDIT: I wanted to make an edit to cover some things because getting back to everyone would take a long time:
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Did I ask him about past relationships? No, both of us met at a work event (both in graphic design) and took things slow, neither of us were really even looking for a relationship. It was clear to me from the beginning that he was a private person and wasn't big on discussing vulnerable past stuff, and he never brought the past up either. I didn't think he'd have a whole deceased husband so I never really tried to dig into past relationships he had.
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I know looking through his phone was 100% wrong, there's no denying that
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I am currently seeking out a therapist
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He has not reached out yet
Edit again: Sorry if my grammar is weird, English is not my first language. Should have said that first