There's a hip hop club in my city that always has Rap Battles on Thursdays. For those who don't know, Rap Battles are when two rappers perform head to head against each other and the audience or a judge determines who is better. Usually (but not always) this involves insults or 'disses' aimed at the opponent, but in a good natured and artistic sort of way!

I've been going to the Rap Battles at this club for the last couple of months and I really got into them. There's a pretty regular crowd there and some seriously talented rappers that go up to battle pretty often. Once a month they'll do kind of an 'open mic' night where amateur rappers can participate. This month I decided "what the hell" and I decided to sign up! I showed up about an hour before the show to get on the list. I was definitely nervous, but some of the regular audience members who I always see around were signing up too so that made me feel better. I haven't actually ever talked to them, but I recognize them. Sometimes I give like one of those friendly upward nods to them when we make eye contact getting a drink or something.

The host in charge of the sign up is a really cool guy and he was already making some good-natured jabs at my expense which were pretty funny and really started to get me in the mood for the Rap Battles! I was scheduled to go on stage for the 3rd Rap Battle so I went to my regular table to watch until it was my turn. I was really impressed by the first two Battles! The pro guys are always really good, but these amateurs were surprisingly good too and honestly I was starting to get really nervous!

So finally it's my turn and I get up there and I see my opponent really looks the part, which made me even more nervous. And just as I feared, he was really good. He was going in hard dissing me, but with this really good flow and rhyming everything perfectly. He had really good lines about my looks, my weight, my physique, my clothes, and a LOT about my ethnicity (white). I guess I was feeling the pressure a lot and kind of rocking on my feet and laughing nervously because he was spitting bars about that stuff too.

So I kind of zone out and suddenly it gets really quiet....and I realize it's my turn to rap back at him!! My mind was pretty much going blank at this point and all I can think about is how bright the lights are and how long it's been silent for. This was turning into a disaster already, but I knew I had to get something out. I remember the line I got out exactly because it's probably the only line I'm going to get to rap on a stage. It went:

"You're not even that good at rap so suck my balls and eat my crap!"

I froze again after that because I just knew instantly that my rap was no good. It was crass and insulting without even being that funny, and it wasn't even true because the guy was a good rapper. It's just not the sort of thing you usually hear at Rap Battles. The audience starts booing and I can hear them making fun of me too. I start racking my brain to come up with something much better and make a comeback, when the other guy just starts taking my time and hitting me with even harder disses!! There's way more about my ethnicity and my weight and now, of course, stuff about what a bad rapper I am!! The crowd was just losing it at this point and cheering and howling with laughter.

So the format is supposed to be Rapper 1 goes, then Rapper 2, then Rapper 1 gets to go again and Rapper 2 gets a final turn. But when it came to my second turn, I didn't even get to go again! The host came on and just started waving his arms like a boxing referee when one of the boxers gets knocked out and said the other guy won without giving me another chance! I know it's not like I was going to win at that point, but a seasoned Rap Battle host ought to know that the only way I'm going to get better is if I get a chance to practice.

I stayed and watched the rest of the Rap Battles and had a couple drinks. By the end of it I had calmed down a lot and started to have fun again. On my way out the host was sitting by the entrance and I stopped real quick and said in kind of a self-deprecating way "I guess it can only get better from here, huh?". He looked at me like he was kind of mad and not like his usual affable self and he just said really flatly "Don't come back here, man". I was a little taken aback by this but I was still trying to be chill and I laughed a little and said "Yeah maybe I should just stick to watching!" but he wasn't laughing back and he said "Nah man, don't come back here at all. Seriously, just get out of here."

I don't know if he was really serious or not but it put me in a sour mood for the rest of the night. I really looked forward to the Rap Battles and I went almost every week but I guess they don't care about that and they only want you around if you're good at rap or just keep your mouth shut.

TL;DR: I fucked up so badly at the Rap Battles I was told to never come back