A while back, I applied to become a moderator on r/lgbt because 1) I am part of the community, and 2) I thought it would be fun to do. My application was accepted, and after attending a presentation with other new mods put on by the senior mods in the Discord, I was officially made a new moderator- and began my trial period.

What I never expected was to become so "attached" to the job. For one of the first times in my life I felt like I was a part of something. Sure, I wasn't the best moderator, but I was still learning, and everyone was really kind and supportive as I began to learn the ropes. r/lgbt is very strictly moderated for obvious reasons, so it was easy to make mistakes.

But as time went on, I got cocky. I began not asking questions about posts I wasn't sure about approving or removing. I would forget to include a ban message when banning a user, making it difficult for the other mods to figure out why that user had been banned. I went from not being confident in my abilities to being too confident in my abilities. And that was what went wrong.

Yesterday I received the message that I had been removed from the subreddit as a moderator. I was truly crushed. I spent nearly an hour just curled up on my bed sobbing, because I had loved the "job" so much. I was devastated. I thought that I had been doing well, and that while I was still learning how to do it, that I was getting the hang of it. But I was obviously wrong.

After I somewhat pulled myself together, I messaged the moderators asking what had happened and if they would be willing to give me another chance. I did so respectfully of course, and I got an equally respectful response back that outlined the issues present and how I had never fully addressed them. Some of the issues included in the message were: "Removing content but not banning the user who posted it. Approving content that should have resulted in a ban of the user. Banning without leaving a ban message, and [of course], Not asking questions about content that could have been easily answered, instead making actions leading to the above issues". In short, I got cocky.

Some context for this: I am neurodivergent; I have autism and ADHD that severely impact my ability to learn. I am on stimulants for my ADHD, but obviously that is not a cure for it. I truly, truly tried to listen to their suggestions and incorporate them, it was just hard. An example of this is how I do not pick up on sarcasm or meaning of text posts. I struggle enough with social cues in real life- when reading posts online it is much much harder to read a text post and understand what the user is saying. Sometimes it was very easy, as we have a fair share of redditors come and post things like "All fa**ots should die!", which obviously resulted in a removal and a ban for the user. But for other posts, it was hard for me to determine what they were saying, and I got to cocky about my abilities. I am, of course, aware of my learning disabilities and do my best to work with them, but sometimes my best doesn't seem like enough.

According to Reddit notifications, my trial period was only 50 days long. I do feel like I should have gotten a slightly longer trial period, as well as more than three total check-ins in the Discord channel for check-ins because of my disabilities, but unfortunately, I do not think I will get a second chance. (As far as I remember, (and I cannot check because I have lost access to the Discord server), I was only told of these problems a total of three or four times. And, while I was slowly improving, I guess I wasn't improving fast enough).

After receiving the message explaining why I was no longer a moderator, I replied back, apologizing profusely, as well as explaining the situation. I was at no point using my disabilities as an excuse for my behavior, and even now, I take full responsibility for what brought me here. Mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. At the end of the apology message I asked for a second chance simply because of what the position meant to me, and how much I enjoyed it. I have not received a reply, so I think it is over. This is not the first time I have fucked up something I really, truly loved, and most likely, it will not be the last. But, of course, such is life.

I do not hate the moderators of r/lgbt for doing what they did, it is understandable. The rules that the moderators of the subreddit have to follow are extremely strict because of the subject matter involved. The senior mods only made the decision that they felt was best for the subreddit, and I respect and understand that. I hope that some day later on, I can re-apply for the position and prove my worth and ability to the senior mods, but for now I am left to assume the only one left with regrets is me.

TL;DR: I fucked up by getting cocky during my trial period as a moderator of a subreddit, and made multiple mistakes that were caused by my learning disabilities, but that I refused to fix. I really, really loved the position and was devastated by loosing it.