TIFU Asked my girlfriend about her pleasuring herself, learned that “having sex with me is better that having an orgasm”

Submitted by throwawayAcc_10 t3_124wpja in tifu

First some relevant information: My girlfriend is on a vacation on the other side of the Atlantic, so we are only communicating through FaceTime. We’ve known each other for quite some time, but we are dating for just a couple pf months. Before her I had two long-term relationships (together lasting more than 8 years), in which I was fully able to make my then girlfriends full enjoy themselves (meaning orgasm) in various ways (from just using fingers, PIV, cunnilingus, you name it, I had it). Something also relevant is that I have problems with depression and consequently drinking (alone at home).

So now, moving to my current girlfriend. First I have to stress that I love her with all my heart and would love nothing more than spend my life with her. Additionally, when we are together, we usually have sex at least 2-3 times a day, evenly initiated by both of us (her more than me).

So, for the last couple of days we’ve talked about our sexual preferences, etc. Well, it was mostly me talking because she said she didn’t have any ideas, she loved everything we were doing and would love to try new things with me. In general, she is a bit shy regarding the things she would like, regardless of encouragement that I would like nothing more than for her to fully enjoy herself, as she has never orgasmed while having sex (with me or exes).

Because I have shared a lot of personal preferences, some of them quite quite embarrassing, she has decided to return the favour and talk about her pleasuring herself and what she likes (a topic she doesn’t really feel comfortable talking about, but she has suggested it out of her own free will). And I was of course thrilled, as I would learn what she likes and how to make her orgasm - which in hindsight was a mistake. She told me a lot of things (as I had some intermediate questions) but the gist is, that, in her (translated) words she “even though she does orgasm on her own, she prefers doing something with me, as “orgasm are overrated anyway””. The second part was something that was mentioned in passing once before.

So now I feel like being given a participation trophy (an idea which I hate from the bottom of my heart) by this statement. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that she can take care of herself, truly, I am, but this statement just killed me. I would prefer her saying that she doesn’t enjoy it as much doing it with me as on her own or anything like that, compared to this. I just feel I was pitied with this statement. The cherry on the cake being, that as she “enjoys it more with me than when she orgasm”, she doesn’t really feel comfortable giving me tips and teaching me how to make her enjoy herself more while being with me, leading me to think this situation is going to be permanent.

So now, because of this, I couldn’t sleep, I felt sick all day, and I drank at home. I have depressive episodes that last from either a day to a year, in which I drink way too much, and this was the first day in more than half a year (when we sort of started flirting) in which I downed a full glass of whiskey (in the meantime I did drink at social occasions, but never on my own).

So now the worst part is, as she really dislikes talking about her self-pleasuring, she is also not feeling herself and I don’t have the heart to tell her the real reason for my bad mental (and physical, I feel like my heart is going to explode any minute now) wellbeing.

This is just me overreacting as I am not used to not being adequate and the pitied, but here I am, full relapsed and in a really bad mental state.

TL,DR: My girlfriend told me having sex with me is better than orgasming, leading to me feeling being pitied and given a participation trophy, consequently relapsing and getting depressed.

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JHVS123 t1_je19ea4 wrote

So she is open and honest with her thoughts on what she thinks is an embarrassing subject. Even if you think she lied or exaggerated it should have been taken as a move to show how much she values you and your company. Instead you have used it as an excuse to make it all about you and your feelings and also let her and yourself down by putting yourself in a worse mental state through substance abuse. Either you need to get better in a hurry and quit this woah is me shit or get away from her before you suck her into your shit. Don't put this on her honestly with you, this is on you. She doesn't deserve to bear that either.

Fix it.

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daguy9 t1_je1ag4y wrote

It's not his duty to fix it. If you've ever been alone you know that it says absolutely nothing about her valuing him. She may just be settling which I feel that is part of his concern

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Wowomanda t1_je1bp0p wrote

As a woman who has a hard time finishing I find I need at least 15 minutes alone getting ready and watching porn. Then he comes in and signs off on the work. After he comes in it takes two minutes but sometimes it's another 10. Maybe you could try that? Sometimes I don't finish at all but it's still enjoyable. Good 🤞 luck

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Mr007McDiddles t1_je1bblw wrote

Unless I'm reading something wrong it's hard to be mad if it's the truth. Somethings just don't mean that much to others. It sounds like you're making it all about yourself, when she's the one that put herself out there.

Also, can't see how this is FU. 2 seemingly grown folks had a conversation and one got upset by it. This is life, this is relationships.

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Cooler67 t1_je1bd6p wrote

Say what you will but that was really sweet of her to say that.

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Casitano t1_je17xrd wrote

So you assume she’s lying and feel bad about what would be the truth in your head?

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Fartbox_420 t1_je1hcax wrote

Well she reminds me of myself. Uncomfortable talking about myself and wording what I need combined with partners that never tried or wanted to make me feel good/focus on my needs and that combo just basically made me close up about it. Until my husband who refuses to give up stepped in and showed that he cares about me and my enjoyment as well. I'm still pretty closed off and have to work on my own shame/embarrassment, but he is the only person to ever make me. So maybe take your time and learn/show that it's not about you sometimes and really focus on her enjoyment instead of making it about yourself and your self pity. She might just come out of her shell. I don't mean this in a mean way.

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Intelligent-Web-9707 t1_je18yak wrote

Maybe try to improve based on what she said? Obviously with her consent

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MollyGodiva t1_je1soml wrote

You had an open chat with her about preferences, this is good. It is very normal for people to enjoy the act and the intimacy more then the end part. You only FU by thinking you FU.

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ChrisGeritol t1_je2w3un wrote

>from just using fingers, PIV, cunnilingus, you name it, I had it

Tossing salad, anal, vaginal with a buttplug, flogging, tying her up, DP with a toy.. there, I named some. Now, tell me you've had it.

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SophosMoros7 t1_je1ndze wrote

It's better to know you aren't doing the right things yet but she enjoys it anyway. Communication is how you get from point A (the same situation but you are blissfully unaware) to point B (your (plural) goals for the sexual part of your relationship)

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EducationalVisual295 t1_je2j47q wrote

You could do with reading percentage of woman who orgasm during sex. It’s common for some woman to not orgasm just from vaginal intercourse sometimes they need help and sometimes that still doesn’t work. It sounds like she’s enjoying it more with you cause she just enjoys being with you and the intimacy, I’d call that a win.

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PaleFollowing3763 t1_je7lfb2 wrote

I'm genuinely confused about the problem here. You are taking that in such a negative way for absolutely no reason. She doesn't care about orgasms like that. But she didn't tell you that you couldn't try anymore. Like damn. Way to kill things yourself. Keep trying and maybe one day. You'll make her orgasm.

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[deleted] t1_jeg7xfd wrote

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