Sounds like you’re spiraling bro. I’ve been there. The thing that helped me keep from drowning when I felt like I was going under, was to realize that these moments tend to ebb and flow. Today it feels like you’re under an ocean or despair that’s suffocating you and you feel like you’re never going to surface. In a few weeks though, or maybe even a few months or years, the exact same things are still painful, but don’t seem to drive you to the same depths they did before, and then randomly a few weeks go by and they’re overwhelming again.

Knowing that always let me know that, however bad I’m feeling in that moment in time, it’s just that, a moment in time. So tomorrow, or maybe the next day or the day after that, might be better. It gave me some semblance of perspective and helped me keep an eye on the proverbial shoreline so I can always keep my sanity back while the tides of despair had died down a little.

The hard part after that was figuring out how to do the hard work to slowly build yourself an emotional raft or boat, to fine the motivation to put in work and build something out of yourself but by bit, so that one day you can finally sail yourself to calmer waters and escape the cycle.

No one can really tell you how to do that though. It sucks, but even if someone gave you directions, it’s not like you they’ll mean anything to you while you’re lost in the seas of despair. As long as you keep doing treading water and as long as you keep building that boat of self improvement while the waters are calm, one day you’ll find yourself somewhere better.

Sounds like empty platitudes, but I’ve been where you’ve been and escaped, and so have many others. Best of luck.