I’m sorry bud, this is really really terrible to go through. I hope you can find some peace.

It’s ok. The peace I find will be in never dating again. It’s incredibly clear to me now that I can’t do it and it’s not meant for me. I already had a fiancée leave me. Now this? I’m not dumb nor do I want to go through this again. I’m more comforted in my isolation than my painful company.

That might be the best thing for you for a bit, and then maybe some day it’ll be time to move forward into something else. Just please really do try to be kind to yourself.

I’m done. I’m doing all the cleaning I can right now to take my mind off of it. The longer I sit here the closer I get to just breaking down.

I want to clarify that when I say never again, I truly mean never again.

What would happen if you broke down?

That’s funny, I’m not sure. I don’t think anything drastic, all I know is right now I feel like crying uncontrollably, a deep immense pain and void that cannot be filled

Grab some tissue or a nice soft cloth and go for it man. Crying is part of the process.

I don’t think I can afford to right now.

Is there something more important that you need to be doing? It’s very important that you take time to care for yourself.

My finances are struggling, my emotions are high, I’m fighting back my demons right now and I feel like I’m finally losing after 8 years, something I promised my family and friends would never happen

I hear ya bud. Try to remember that you haven’t lost; you’re still here and chances are no matter how fucked things seem now, 99 times out of 100 they’re unfuck-able.

Also you won’t go bankrupt if you give yourself an hour to cry this evening. It might even help clear your mind so you can focus on the things you’re dealing with. I wish you the best of luck!

Thank you for your kind words but I don’t think that’s the case here. I feel like I’m at the end of my ropes with nowhere to go and no will to go further

I’m feeling for you friend. This won’t do you in.

I feel it already has. Just contemplating what to do about it

Well I suppose the thing to do would be to post on Reddit about it. Just to get other peoples perspective, remind yourself that you’re not alone, give goals a distraction. At least that’s what I’d be doing and what it seems like you’re doing now. It’s the healthy natural thing to do.

It’s probably self-preservation speaking at this point. I have no will of my own to continue

Gotcha. Well you have no active will right now. There sheer act of self preservation and of acknowledging it is in itself at least a passive will to go forward. So you have will and have no will.

I think both are true. Something in your mind is dragging you forward while the rest of you collapses. I think that’s okay and part of the process.

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If you’re giving up and have nothing left to lose, then why not just take the rest of your day and have a cry and a nap? You’re emotionally exhausted, not defeated.

No, I’m defeated. My life has been one massive case of try and fail, push and pull, expectations and disappointment. I’ve never meant anything to anyone, and I’m beginning to no longer mean anything to me. I can’t do anything right. Nothing. Nada.

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Sounds like you’re spiraling bro. I’ve been there. The thing that helped me keep from drowning when I felt like I was going under, was to realize that these moments tend to ebb and flow. Today it feels like you’re under an ocean or despair that’s suffocating you and you feel like you’re never going to surface. In a few weeks though, or maybe even a few months or years, the exact same things are still painful, but don’t seem to drive you to the same depths they did before, and then randomly a few weeks go by and they’re overwhelming again.

Knowing that always let me know that, however bad I’m feeling in that moment in time, it’s just that, a moment in time. So tomorrow, or maybe the next day or the day after that, might be better. It gave me some semblance of perspective and helped me keep an eye on the proverbial shoreline so I can always keep my sanity back while the tides of despair had died down a little.

The hard part after that was figuring out how to do the hard work to slowly build yourself an emotional raft or boat, to fine the motivation to put in work and build something out of yourself but by bit, so that one day you can finally sail yourself to calmer waters and escape the cycle.

No one can really tell you how to do that though. It sucks, but even if someone gave you directions, it’s not like you they’ll mean anything to you while you’re lost in the seas of despair. As long as you keep doing treading water and as long as you keep building that boat of self improvement while the waters are calm, one day you’ll find yourself somewhere better.

Sounds like empty platitudes, but I’ve been where you’ve been and escaped, and so have many others. Best of luck.

Buddy, you're going to come out better on the other side of this. My past relationship of 6 years devolved to a point of her cheating and gaslighting and not communicating despite me trying, which was only fuel for my insecurity and turned to plain anxiety. Checking her phone always makes things worse for you, no matter what you find.

Work on yourself. You now know things you don't want in a relationship, how are you going to make sure they don't happen again in the future? What are things that do make you happy and how are you going to contribute to that?

Currently engaged to the most wonderful, kind and understanding woman I've ever met because I decided firmly what I wanted, and every date I went on I clearly set those expectations and boundaries. I explained what I wanted and who I was. Some didn't like that, no worries, then they weren't the right people for me. My current fiancée loves how "emotionally mature" I was to be that open from the start. Loves how I know myself and what I want and what I can contribute.