This morning was a Saturday morning like any other, I woke up, drank some coffee, got on with a few jobs around the house and began pottering with various hobbies while chatting with my housemate and texting my girlfriend. We have company in couple of hours so I quickly got on with it and went upstairs to get ready.

Just as I’m thinking about jumping in the shower my girlfriend texts. It’s a nude. Brilliant! I’m going to be naked anyway, and I’ll clean up straight after! I thanked her for the opportunity for a lovely Saturday morning shower wank and hopped right in to crack on with that.

Hang on. Burning. My dick is burning.

One of my hobbies. My new, scatty, bullshit hobbies my ADHD riddled brain decided it NEEDS to do before I inevitably forget happens to be chilli farming. Fucking chilli farming. What was I trying to germinate today? With no gloves? With very little regard for anything one might consider to be foresight? Fucking scotch bonnets.

My cock was on fire. In a panic I shoved it under the normal shower temperature water, nice and warm. Nope. That didn’t help. My cock is now lava. I’m now panicking even more and tears are streaming down my face. I wear glasses and can’t see shit without them. ‘I shall wash away my sorrows and get a good look at the situation here’ I think, rubbing the tears from my eyes.

So I had washed my hands. I promise I’m not that stupid. Except I am because I didn’t wash them properly, clearly, as evidenced by the eyes of fire I was now blessed with. Panic has just become blind, fiery panic.

In said panic, I grab the nearest shower gel and began scrubbing the shit out of everything with it.

Ever heard of tea tree? You know that shower gel with the mint in it? The stuff with like, way, way too much mint in it? The one known for making mens genitals feel uncomfortably minty?

For anyone wondering, mint does not cancel out spice. Fucking trust me on that. My eyes are streaming like rivers. I am wielding balls of ice and a dick of burning hatred. I feel like I’m collecting the elements to become an elemental wizard of agony. If I had farted and shit myself I suppose I would have achieved that goal and become a being of pure misery, but alas, I have failed.

I also fail at being human and was, as my username suggests, drunk last night. My bladder is full. I nearly begin to whimper, thinking of the pain I will inevitably experience. I wait as long as I can and spray cold water on my lava dick and warm water on my frosty balls.

Then the inevitable piss that is so painful I nearly slip out of the shower and Rocky Balboa myself on the toilet. I’m now sat naked on my bed seething with rage at my own stupidity while my dick burns, my balls freeze and I try to keep my eyes from melting. All the while my girlfriend laughs at me down the phone and REFUSES to take responsibility. We have guests in an hour. The day is ruined.

TLDR: got a spicy dick, watery eyes and icy balls and took a piss so painful I nearly fell out of the shower