Someone who leaves his gf of 15 years, who he still he loves for a girl he only recently met....and then wants both. This sounds like an asshole who wants to just have sex with multiple people to me, sorry :)

Don't compromise on what you want, if you want a monogamous relationship, look for someone who gives that :)

He can turn off whatever he wants. That’s a want of his ,

Jesus the baggage on this post is immense, why would you date somebody in a 15+ year long relationship in the first place, also several questions about that relationship, why weren’t they married, was it a personal reason or a relationship reason? I don’t think you need to be married after 15 years of dating if you don’t want to be, but it would be important to understand why before you potentially fall into the same trap.

Secondly why would you leave your relationship of 15+ years for a woman you met 4 months ago, cheating in a relationship that long makes more sense to me (not that either make much sense but I can at least see that cheating is a lapse and a fall into temptation.

I think somebody being that non committal(and I don’t mean in the relationship sense I mean in the decision making sense) is a pretty big red flag, maybe there’s more to the story you don’t know

I honestly don't think it's a trap. Neither of them ever wanted to get married, and in fact I didn't either. We are also in complete agreement about such issues (religion, marriage, children,...) and we discussed them at the beginning because it was a big step and these issues are important.

But yes, I see the point that entering into a relationship right after such a long relationship ended was not a good idea. But at that moment it was just overwhelming and we both wanted it, because it just felt right..

A lot of red flags in short succession. A lot of unnecessary drama injected into your life by rushing into things with someone who isn’t stable. You’ll have to set boundaries as far as what you need to be happy in a relationship. If he can’t give you what you need to feel secure, then it’s probably for the best, because someone else absolutely will. Whatever happens, use the experience to think about behaviors and issues to be on the look out for. Take your time and make sure the relationship you’re getting into suits your needs

Thank you.. Thats a really good advice I would give someone in this situation as well. Its harder to see this clearly when I am in this situation myself, as I just dont want to lose what we have.. But I will try and take my time to think about that, thanks!

Dude just wants to bang a second woman without any guilt from his main relationship. And you will be the side chick, he's made that clear enough.

Not sure what to say here. Polyamory is tricky and takes a lot of work but not impossible. The problem here (other than personal preferences) is I don't think he is anymore polyamorous than you are, and trying to resolve two very different positions. His ex is a stable force in his life but you are a novelty. New relationships are exciting and different but that feeling doesn't last. My wife of 21 years left me for another man. It happens

I'm sorry to hear that. That must be tough! And thank you, I think you are very right about that. I think it's just a very hard situation for him and that seems to be the only option that feels kind of right. I can even understand it, but I think he should take time for himself and have no contact with either of us to know what he really wants. But he sees it differently and so I am in the situation to chose for myself what I want..

It is the worst feeling ever to be alone for the first time in ones life and rejected by the only person to ever love me, yeah it sucks. You clearly have a lot of compassion for him but don't neglect your own needs too. Keep your eyes open, you have not known him long and people tend not to show you who they are until they feel comfortable.

Well, at least he's open about it, instead of keeping tabs with her behind your back.

What's important is what you really, really want. What would your feelings be when he's with her? As that's what he's proposing. Could you see yourself in the same room as her, knowing you are in a love triangle? If not, then your path is clear.

Even if you see yourself being fine with this situation, his ex might not be. Even if she agrees, she might just do so in order to 'win him back'. After all, you're 'the other woman' as far as she is concerned.

It's a very tricky situation and definitely one we, internet warriors, can give a final solution to. Just be careful and make sure you brace for disappointment.

Many , many people want to have sex with multiple people. Nothing really wrong with that. As far as the text shows, he at least is open about his feelings and desires. That's already better than most.

More red flags with this guy that a Chinese military parade. Run away from this guy. It's also at your work. This won't end well.

That is also a very good consideration. At this point I find the idea very painful, but I don't want to dismiss it so quickly and would rather have a little time to think about it, maybe understand more where this comes from.

Yeah, I already feel like 'the other one' when thinking about being in this love triangle.. But I don't know her, so its hard to imagine how she would think about all this..

Internet warriors.. I like that :) and thanks for the advice, another good one!

>This all sounds super absurd and feels weird to write and I feel stupid for getting into such a situation,

This may be a little off-topic, but you might find it helpful to read up on how falling in love affects us at a neurological/biochemical level. Specifically, I've found Dr. Helen Fisher's work to be pretty interesting. She's got a bunch of stuff on the web, but here's a couple things to get you started:

• The Nature of Romantic Love (PDF, 6 pages) - One of her earlier articles on the subject. It's very dry and scholarly, but it's short and captures the essence of her work.
• Why People Fall In Love (YouTube) - A more recent and approachable presentation.

The tl;dr to all of this is that "falling in love" isn't just an emotion. It's a biochemical process that takes place in the most primitive levels of our brain. And it radically affects our ability to think clearly and reason. In short, love makes us crazy.

... and the effects of this - the hormones that flood our system when we fall in love - last for 1-3 years.

All of which is to say that your brain is probably playing tricks on you. It's causing you to fixate on the positive aspects of the relationship, while overlook the negative. But in 1-2 years, that effect is going to wear off (for both of you). So think carefully about what it is you want and how this does or doesn't meet your needs. Or, better still, think about what you wanted *prior* to this relationship - that's going to be where the real "truth" lies, and what's likely to matter most once the fog of new love lifts.

Good luck.

>I think he should take time for himself and have no contact with either of us to know what he really wants.

I think this is actually what you should do. Take a big step back and communicate that. I'd say it may feel like love but lust is extremely powerful as are hormones and other stuff. And even if it is love then you can still love him and not be with him. Have a break to be yourself by yourself. It's easy to become tangled up in other people's life paths and wants and then become convinced you want it and chose to be there. If it's meant to be then you'll feel the same after a long time apart and can analyse again then. But generally I'd say there's definitely a few red flags from him here and that means you need to cut emotional ties and step back for a bit so that you can view it clearly without the blurry love glasses on. It's your life and it's precious and fast, you can't imagine what the future holds. It's your life and you're worth more than someone's 2nd choice or 3rd wheel. It's your life and there will be more to it than this guy and this job. It's your life OP!

Wow, thanks for the research. I will definitely read and watch this, sounds interesting.

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Thank you. It was good while it lasted. I am grateful for the time I got.

So he left his long term girlfriend and now wants a permanent threesome