Congratulations on coming to your senses about this stuff. It's hard to do. What you're experiencing has a name -it's called moral injury- and while the nature of this particular kind of trauma makes it hard for many people to sympathize with (which is understandable), it's trauma nonetheless.

Like other kinds of trauma, the next step is to seek help. I'm not talking about family counseling here: this is just for you. This is partly to help deal with the trauma, and partly to deal with the issues that led to it in the first place. You've done wrong -you understand that now- but that doesn't have to be forever. You understand that you need to change, and that's an important step: one that many people never take. But it's still only the first step. Good luck on the rest.