This doesn't sound like you fucked up. If someone is pulling away, any normal person would assume the other party is uninterested. Is she saying she literally wants you to force yourself on her? That sounds very uncomfortable.

Is she after consensual non-consent? You don't have to do anything she isn't comfortable with.

Ok maybe force wasn't the right wording there. She wants me to fully take control by laying her on her back and "kissing the shit out of her" but I struggle to do that without doubt on if it's the right time and all that, which is why I work my way up to making out, see if she's into it y'know. She just normally pulls away before I get to the good part

No, she hates non consensual anything due to an abusive ex. She's into very loving sex, cuddling and I love you's throughout, she just wants me to take the lead and I struggle with that. We're both rather submissive. I also worded that poorly

Y'all need to learn to communicate during sexy time and stop blaming each other for not reading each other's mind.

That's the fun part, she doesn't like it to feel planned so she just wants me to take control "when the moments right" which I struggle with and i've told her as much. If I keep failing I'll bring it up again

She’s playing games dude. If she’s asking you to push when she’s giving off NO vibes, she’s either got a kink you both need to discuss or she’s got a little screw loose. Either way red flag klaxon

That's the thing, she never gives off a direct no vibe, just a clueless vibe, and my inexperience ain't helping because I'm just as clueless

"Yo, you wanna make fuck, or nah?"

Pretty easy.

Tempting next time, but fuck if my anxiety makes me struggle to even say things like that because I'm scared to mess up

The worst that can happen is she says no.

Or someone breaks into your house and stabs you to death in the middle of the night.

Gotta shoot your shot, especially where you've shot your shot many times before.

You don't need to plan, and you can still take the initiative. Just communicate while you're doing it. Tell her you want her and what you're going to do to her at each stage. Tell her what to do. She's asking you to take control, not just to initiate.

That’s kinda the same thing, she’s not dumb

Fair fair, I just suck at confidence... Which is exactly what she wants from me. Idk why it even gets me so anxious, it just does. I think it comes from how easily she blames herself for everything and I don't want her to feel bad

Ok I may just do that. I just struggle with that to not overstep boundaries because she's very self conscious and they change depending on how her day was.

Then you might need to reevaluate if you should be in a relationship or not. Have you sought help for anxiety/depression? I'm not saying you need to start putting out, but some other guy might.

Idk if she'd go that far. The reason she wants me to take control is because she has almost no sexual urges after her meds fucked up her libido, unless she watches porn. Too many other things in this relationship are amazing to drop it because I suck at putting out, and yes I've found help. Just recently I've been really bad with performance anxiety when I'm about to try things, mainly because i've dropped the ball almost every night for a week and a bit. Once things happen and I realize I can do it, it goes way better and I can be confident.

Meds do that, but the great part is, it doesn't stabilise and go back, at least in my experience. You're going to have to sack up and just start whipping your dick out and helicoptering, I guess.

That got a good laugh. Will try my best. I can do a mean helicopter

You can always try twerking too. Just pop some Taylor Swift on and throw ya back out

It's a two way street. She needs to communicate, too. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells trying to second guess her moods and motives. Depending on severity, that can be borderline emotionally abusive.

First, straight up ask her how her day was. If she is stressed or hurting, just straight up say, "I had something sexy planned, but you seem like you could use some cuddling and TV instead." Or maybe a backrub with no expectation of sex.

Tell her what cues she can use if she's interested in starting. Like, "nibble my ear and I'll take it from there". Or maybe running her fingers down your chest or stroking your arm. Whatever gets you going.

But she wants you to force your kisses on her when she's pulling away? I don't think she hates non-consent as much as she claims.

Seriously, just tell her what you are and aren't willing to do. Just because she wants you to do something sexual or whatever, doesn't mean you have to do it. Especially if you don't like it or it makes you uncomfortable. If that's not okay for her, then maybe you two aren't compatible.