Submitted by Cheap_Clock_9416 t3_11oprfe in tifu
About a year ago, I (31F) became friends with a guy from work - let's call him Jake (26M). We started chatting at a company party, got along, and hung out outside of work a few times. He was going through some stuff at the time - he recently got dumped, was about to graduate from college, and was trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his life. Many of these struggles resonated with my 20-something-old self, and it felt good to be able to impart some wisdom. On the other hand, he was confident and assertive, and I felt perhaps in that sense I could learn a little from him. I was also just happy that someone cool wanted to hang out with me - I'm a pretty anxious person, and I don't have a vibrant social life.
Now, Jake was cute in a way that was hard for me to ignore, but he was never a viable partner for me. The thought was there at first, but it dissipated once he started to come to me for relationship advice regarding other women - I would never pursue someone who was not interested in me. There was also the age difference and the fact that we were in different places in our lives. While I was still a little attracted to him, I was firmly settled on not acting on it and not letting it show. I'm not normally very feminine, but I think I acted even more boyish around him, just so that it was crystal clear that no flirting was happening.
At one point Jake invited me to his birthday party. I didn't want to disappoint a friend on his birthday, so I went, but I get anxious in social groups, especially if there are people I don't know, so I drank a lot to make myself at ease. After the party Jake became more absent, saying he had to study, which made sense. He agreed to meet up when he had more time, but he didn't follow up, and as bad as I am at reading social cues, I felt that he might not be very interested in seeing me, so I backed off. I felt a little sad about it though because I valued him as a friend, and I didn't understand what made him change his mind about me. So about 6 months later, I messaged him, and after we caught up I asked him directly if there was a reason he had blown me off, to which he replied that at the party I was all over him, and I had crossed his boundaries when he had told me to stop. He said that he liked me, but not in a romantic way, and that was too much for him to deal with. I was flabbergasted, apologized profusely, and asked about details, convinced that this was something that had been erased from my memory. After a few days of mulling it over I did recall a situation like this, but I remembered it a little differently. In my drunken mind, I was just showing friendly affection, I did something like rest my head on his shoulder, and when he pulled away and said he didn't want to be touched, I almost took it as a joke and purposefully touched his arm, to which he reacted very nervously, so I cut it off. This is a shitty, shitty thing I do when I'm drunk - I think it's funny to do the thing someone says they dislike to see how they react. (One time a guy was going off about how he loved his shoes and hated it when someone stepped on them, and I thought it'd be funny to do exactly that. He screamed at me, I apologized instantly and again later when I sobered up, and it didn't ruin our friendship, but I admit it's a stupid, childish thing to do, and I don't know why on earth I do that. Honestly, though, I don't think I'm gonna do that ever again after this.)
Anyway, I trust his account better than my memory. If I had just been friendly, I wouldn't have made him so uncomfortable, and let's face it, I do have a history of becoming slutty when I drink. In the past, I have woken up naked next to people with little to no recollection of the events and had to explain to them that this wasn't in fact the beginning of our future together, I had just gotten wasted and wanted to get laid. I don't do that anymore; I barely even go out anymore; but I am what I am. And what I apparently am is a predatory creep that harasses young boys.
I do wish he had told me straight up, instead of pretending everything was okay for months, but I understand that it was well within his rights. Maybe we could have stayed friends, but maybe what I did was unforgivable. I have a friend who crossed my physical boundaries once, and it changed how I felt about him, but I didn't cut him off, he apologized, and I know he understood it was not an okay thing to do to anyone. We survived it. But we had known each other for years then - maybe that friendship had a more solid foundation to begin with.
This whole thing fucked me up pretty badly. I told one friend, who said that he had seen me drunk and flirty in the past, and it wasn't something that would traumatize anyone. He said it was normal for me to feel embarrassed, but it wasn't that big of a deal. It's been a few months and it keeps popping up in my head, I feel so ashamed and my self-esteem is at its all-time low. I guess I'm also a little concerned that this gets out, although we don't really know a lot of the same people. I would maybe like to talk it through with him, but I don't think he's interested in talking, and I want to respect his wishes. I do recognize that I'm not the victim here and my sense of self-worth is none of his concern. I don't know how to process this by myself though. How do I recover from this? Do I even deserve to recover from this?
TL;DR: I lost a friend because I got too touchy and now I'm questioning my existence.