Submitted by ThrowRA_radvice123 t3_11rbksw in tifu
I don't need advice, because there really isn't any. I'm just abusing reddit as a journal.
Me and my GF have been a couple for nearly 7 years. We met in college and are now in our late 20s/early 30s. For context: I was her first, but I myself had some significant experience with dating both men and women when we met. Also, as I started college not right after high school, she’s some years younger than me. Our relationship has been somewhat open from the start: in the first years, we’ve been having occasional threesomes and met other couples, which was fun and easy going. I don’t think that part was a TIFU and I would happily do that again.
After 4 years, my GF broke down crying and told me that she “isn’t sure if meeting girls for sex with me in the room would be sufficient for her in the future, as she realized she is more bi than she though”. This is where the TIFU starts – I instantly agreed that she can go on solo dates, because I thought: “All I want is to see her happy, she will thank me later, this will strengthen our relationship, she doesn’t have any experience whatsoever, she will regret not having made that experience later in life if I don’t allow her”. She also somehow suggested that I will profit from that decision by her introducing me to the women she’ll meet along the way. Up to that point, it had been 99% me who had been organizing dates and managing all these stupid dating profiles on multiple platforms.
Well, of course, it didn’t go well. My GF had quite some fun and all I received were the stories of her experiences. This was perfectly fine for a year or so. At one point, I was allowed to also meet women (after arguing about that point for quite some time), but I just didn’t get the point in going on solo dates when all I wanted was a happy GF. I tried once, and then it died down. Needless to say, my GF never ever actively introduced me to a single person she met.
After a year or so, things started to deteriorate. My GF had met around 10 women already and I also allowed her to have a threesome with two other women. Some months ago, 2 years after the single dating phase started, the situation finally exploded. The breakdown is: she isn’t sure of her sexuality anymore. She isn’t looking for sex, she is actively looking for a relationship on the side because she cannot separate between sex and love (she needs the emotional connection to have fun, and it is desirable for her to have a second female partner for the needs I cannot satisfy). She will always think of other women. She isn’t sure if she finds me attractive in “that way” anymore. She never intended to do the single-dating part for the sake of our relationship, she was really just doing it for herself. Thus, she wasn’t honest to me and to herself the whole time. However, she didn’t want to break up as I am still “the love of her life”, and all she wanted to do was to find a way to “have it all”.
Needless to say that I am devastated, and our sex life died. I argued that what she did wasn’t “being unsure of her sexuality”, but persuading me under false premises to agree to her solo-dating just to go out and cheat emotionally. I also mentioned that I don't even care if she's dating men or women, it's still not what we agreed on. Its not even the sex part that bothers me, but my own levity in this situation. I also cannot handle her naivety in this situation to think that something like this will work out in the long run. We had some heavy fights, and I told her to leave two times (I own the apartment). She promised me that things will change, and I believed her. Again. TIFU when I am a stupid naïve idiot.
However, all this stress has changed me. A lot. Not only does it seem that my own sexual desire are a thing of the past. It’s been years that I feel valued, important, hot… Hell, it’s what feels like forever since I received the last honest sexy picture of her boobs with a flirty message. But I think I’ve just been some kind of weird NPC secondary character in her whole story, and I’ve been to stupid to notice. On top of that, I am over 30. I have other things on my agenda, such as my career, and I don’t want to handle all this stupid stuff you usually handle when you’re in your early 20s. I just finished my PhD and transferred to become a patent attorney at the beginning of the year. This shit is constantly taking a toll on my productivity and learning curve. All I want is some stability, a trustful GF, performing well at work and a fulfilling sex life. And I know that in a year or two, she may also realize that the 20s are gone for good, and trust and honesty is the most important part in every relationship. But even after all the shit above, I haven’t ended it. Because I enabled her. Still, I am pretty sure what I need to do.
TL;DR: GF is cheating and I didn't notice.