Submitted by GarbageOffice t3_11zp2rb in tifu
This happened a long time ago when I was about 12 years old. I'm from Slovakia, where we have this really weird tradition during Easter (it's right around the corner!) that involves pouring buckets of water on women and spanking them with whips made out of willow branches, decorated with colorful ribbons that each girl you visit attaches to the rest. There are literally groups of guys walking down the street looking like the peaky fookin blinders collecting debts during that day lol.
Understandably, this may appear very bizarre or even barbaric to a foreigner at first glance as it simply sounds like we go door-to-door chasing, waterboarding, and beating women. While partially true, there is some symbolism behind it and these customs go way back to ancient spring festivals. We pour buckets of water on our women to make sure that they stay as beautiful as they are for the entire year. The same goes for the spanking custom, where we additionally ward off evil spirits. Sounds much better now doesn't it?... Doesn't it?... Now with this cultural background info in mind, back to my story.
I always enjoyed English lessons when I was a kid, however, my grammar and vocabulary were very limited at that time since I was a beginner. One day, a new teacher arrived in our school. She was young, came from Oregon, and was really nice and friendly. I may have had a little crush on her. The fact that she was a native English speaker was very exciting to everyone and it was the first time I've interacted with a foreigner in a second language.
She often talked about her life in America, her own customs and traditions such as Thanksgiving or Halloween that we don't really celebrate here. A couple of months after her arrival, during the Easter holidays, I wanted to demonstrate our customs to her for a change, and thought I'd pay her a visit.
Naturally, I equipped myself with a small bucket of water, a nice perfume that you add after the whole ordeal is over and besides granting them infinite beauty they also smell nice afterwards. Then of course, my primary weapon - a traditional willow whip. After getting ready, I made my way to her apartment building - UNANNOUNCED.
Once I reached the door, found her name, got my broken English ready, and confidently buzzed her apartment. She clearly wasn't expecting any visitors and sounded genuinely confused. The dialogue went something like this:
*buzz*
- Yes?
- Hello, I am.
- Who is it?
- It is I, <name>.
- <name> ? What are you doing here?
- I come to whip you.
- I'm sorry?
- No it's ok, I come for the traditional whipping!
This was followed by dead silence, after which she buzzed me in without saying anything. I went inside thinking this was an absolutely smooth conversation and felt quite proud of myself for my impressive English skills. I took the elevator to her floor and knocked on the door. I imagine she must have been quite terrified at that point. She slowly and carefully opened the door just enough to take a peek at this goofy idiot kid standing there with a smile on his face, holding a whip in his hand and a bucket of water in the other. The ridiculous exchange continued something among these lines:
- Happy Easter!
- <name> Are you ok? What's going on?
- You need to be pretty so I put water on you now ok?
- What? No, why? <name> is this a prank? Where are your parents?
- No no dad and I go whip my mom and aunt soon, you first! Ughhh... a tradition!
- Umm... ok? How does it work though, do I wash my hands and face in the bucket or something?
- Haha no. I need to put this water on you and whip you with this. Then you're pretty.
- ...Then I'm pretty, ok. Well, I don't know what's happening and I'm a little scared but go ahead I guess? Please be careful though, can you be careful?
Thank God I could at least tell that she was in a bit of a shock so luckily I didn't empty the bucket in her face point-blank like I would usually do to my female relatives. Instead I just put my hands in the bucket and gently splashed some water on her with my fingers. She was laughing at this point but was still visibly confused saying "What is going on?" repeatedly. Then I said:
- Now I spray this on you so you smell nice ok? *took out the perfume from my pocket*
- Haha I get it so I'm not pretty and I stink too, great!
- Ok and now I whip you with this and say a poem!
Yeah there's also this ridiculous chant I forgot to mention that men say while putting girls through all of this. I found a spot-on explanation of it when I was looking for a rough translation:
"And then there are the absurd chants which more than folklore resemble lines out of a Monty Python movie: Wacky-wimpy, give no fishy, there’s just one thing that I beg, a wonderful Easter egg."
She was laughing and hollering the entire time and once I was done, I immediately followed that with:
- Ok haha now I want candy! (it's also customary for the girls to give kids chocolate eggs, sweets, or even pocket money, adults get booze)
- Oh! But I don't have any at home. I'm so sorry!
She went inside to look for something and came back with a tic tac or a gum I think, and apologized again for not having anything better at home.
I tried explaining that it's alright and all I wanted to do was show her the tradition and left, completely happy with how that all went down. She talked to my former English teacher in school who then called me to join them and helped translate things so everything was explained and they had a nice laugh about it. However, I'm absolutely mortified thinking back at how clueless I was that day and what an embarrassment that was.
TL;DR: Back in elementary school, I paid an unannounced visit to my new English teacher from America and with my broken English told her I came to whip and pour water on her because I wanted to demonstrate a silly tradition of my country.