Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments

narvuntien t1_iqzrpdt wrote

I made a Your Mum joke once and my friend kicked me out of her car and told me to walk home. Her Mother died when she was very young.

It took me a long time to learn to say sorry when I didn't feel it was my fault. But learning to do that will save a lot of friendships. You have to do it and do it genuinely and don't put any blame on her for her reaction.

"Hey, I am sorry I made a bad joke about your mother, I should of checked if that was something you were okay with before doing it, I still want to be friends and I hope you don't hold one bad joke against me"

104

AnaalPusBakje t1_ir0fba6 wrote

>It took me a long time to learn to say sorry when I didn't feel it was my fault.

that is what we call empathy, being able to look at something from someone else's point of view.

11

4_Legged_Duck t1_ir0p0yz wrote

I'm going to push back. I don't think what this user is saying is empathy.

Empathy is, sure, when you can see something from someone else's point of view, understand their experience, etc. Absolutely.

That is not what this user is saying. Regardless of how the other person feels, apologizing can be a way to save a connection. Regardless of why they're hurt, if you see it from their point of view or not.

It's about setting aside your ego and pride and choosing the other person. It's humility.

6

StormBerry17 t1_ir0ob56 wrote

How is it not your fault when you make a joke that offends your friend? You said a joke that many people find offensive without seeing if it was okay. If you’re not close enough with someone to know that their mom died, you’re not close enough to make jokes like that. It sounds more like an acquaintanceship at that point. You are responsible for the things you say. This “it’s not my fault you were offended” applies to audiences of comedians who don’t have personal relationships with them, not friends telling offensive jokes. I’m glad you apologized but it doesn’t seem sincere when you’re thinking you’re not at fault.

11

bdc0409 t1_ir0muve wrote

I have a genuine question that I’ve struggled with, how do you apologize for something you don’t think was your fault? Maybe I misunderstand what an apology is but I thought the whole point was acknowledging your fault.

9

4_Legged_Duck t1_ir0pc3t wrote

When it's "not your fault" apologizing hurts your pride. Apologizing when you don't feel at fault can feel like a lie, but part of what you're doing is humbling yourself before that person, saying that you choose them more than your pride. Non-english speaking cultures have this baked into their linguistics. Japanese comes to mind.

A lot of these AITA posts could get solved when the OP of the post just apologizes to their partner/friend/family regardless of who is at fault. You may be right, you may die on your righteous hill, but you're going to lose that connection no matter how right you are.

"Being right" and being right isn't always the same thing. Sometimes it's better to say "I'm sorry, you're right," and choose their feelings over your own.

26

Xais56 t1_ir0qk58 wrote

>"Being right" and being right isn't always the same thing.

Just because one is correct does not mean one is right.

It is correct to say that a significantly reduced human population would be good for the planet. It is not right to say we should nuke Asia.

20

narvuntien t1_ir0qfju wrote

Let go of your ego.
You are actually at least a little responsible for how people interpret what you say even if you didn't mean it the way they interpret it. You are actually sorry that they misinterpreted you and now have such a negative attitude towards you. But unless you take some responsibility for that misinterpretation it won't be genuine.

"Hey I made a mistake here, what can I do not to make it again?"

But getting misinterepted sends my anxiety skyrocketing, I am always being accidently rude on things like phone calls and emails and to cashiers. things have been a lot better since I got medication for it.

8