TIFU by installing a new water heater

Submitted by black_albedo t3_y8m5x7 in tifu

About 4 months ago I achieved a life long dream and installed a bidet in my bathroom. I know it seems like a strange aspiration, but after a trip to Thailand in 2016 I have never been able to shake the memory of how pristinely clean my ass felt for that glorious 2 weeks. Toilet paper has become a pale imitation and stark reminder of that toilet shaped hole in my heart.

Now I know what you are thinking, "bidets are pretty cheap, why didn't you buy one after returning to Thailand." I did, but the apartment I was renting previously had a bizarre non standard toilet and I went through 3 different bidets to try and find one that would fit to no avail. I have now moved into a house with a gloriously normal toilet and the first thing I did was slap a midrange bidet seat on that bad boy. It's incredible, my asshole is so clean you could eat off it! Using the restroom in any sort of public space now is an exercise in sadism and my home bowl is the only place I want to do my business.

The house I moved into is old, like built in the 40's old. Most of the appliances were updated in the 70's but for things like washing machines, dishwashers, and water heaters, they were really showing their age. I worked with the landlord to make some upgrades, he was fantastic about the process, and now there is a bevy of new equipment including an electric tankless water heater installed yesterday evening. That fucker is fantastic but I am still dialing in the settings. Sometimes the water can be a bit too cold or come out blisteringly hot so there have been alot of minor tweaks here and there.

This morning I turn the shower on to heat up and do my morning business. The bidet has a slider for hot and cold water that I usually had cranked up to maximum heat. With my old water heater that would eject a focused stream of water that felt like a sip of Gatorade that had been left in a hot car for a few hours. I turn on the jets and feel a little sting but my exhausted brain did not immediately register my critical error as near boiling water shot into my anal cavity. It took about 2 and a half full seconds before the pain signals made there way from my anus to my brain and I flew off that toilet like a man possessed. Immediately I knew something was wrong as the throbbing pain did not subside and got progressively worse over the next few minutes.

After some careful camera usage I was able to snap some photos and my anus had become beet red, swollen, and looks pisssseedd. The pain was very unique. People say that every part of your body is connected to your lower back and if that is in pain everything else won't function. I counter that the true idiom should be every part of your body is connected to you butt hole as every movement and every position sends a sharp pain from my ass to all other parts of my body. I have to go to work. I'm calling out sick with no explanation.

TL;DR installed bidet and new water heater. Pressure washed my asshole with near boiling water.

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Comments

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cgettingbusy t1_it0vfof wrote

How deep does that bidet get inside of ya boy?

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black_albedo OP t1_it1136l wrote

With a little bit of stretching there can definitely be some penetration. In all honestly, it does have a bit more water pressure then I would like sometimes but the model I have doesn't have any way to adjust the pressure level.

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Rob_AMG t1_it12nnj wrote

Adjust it from the valve.

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rcmaehl t1_it3jzlj wrote

A bit of reverse waterboarding never hurt anyone.

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SharksForArms t1_it2qxok wrote

I installed a quarter-turn valve just before the bidet hookup to dial back the supply pressure.

My bidet has a dial to regulate pressure but even the lowest setting would clean out the lower 6 inches in my colon

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FlourFlavored t1_it10d6n wrote

That's some Final Destination shit there.

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razac6688 t1_it3pzj9 wrote

Is it though?

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FlourFlavored t1_it3xsxk wrote

Totally. Scene starts off with him having some gas station sushi that he eats in the car. You see him get the stomach rumbles and he's racing through traffic to make it home. You're sure he's going to die there but no, he makes it home. Rushes upstairs narrowly missing the kids toys on the stairs. Gets to the master toilet and just let's holy hell out. Disgusting but it sets up the relief in his eyes and you see him reach for the bidet button. Cut to the water heater in the garage that shows an ever rising temperature. You know what's coming and it's going to be bad. Shot of him feeling the comforting spray and then the boiling water hits. It takes a second to recognize the pain and he jumps up stumbling in his pulled down pants. Falls forward and hits his head on the side of the tub. He's dazed but still alive. On the side of the tub is a bottle of bath beads though. They fall and open. As he's coming out of his daze, they begin falling in his mouth one at a time. He chokes and gurgles as they begin to pop open. Foam and the unrelenting smell of lavender (you imagine) come bubbling out of his mouth as the asphyxiates on the bathroom floor with his pants down and a spray of boiling hot water arches across the room.

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TorinD t1_it54pfq wrote

That was more detail than anyone needed to know lol

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aftenbladet t1_it1j2rs wrote

You poor thing! Water heaters here in Norway have a mixing valve on top. Internally the heater have to have at least 60c 140F to stop biological activity, but at the top you mix in cold water to keep kids (and buttholes) from being scolded. I would recommend looking into it to see if you have similar features on your boiler.

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black_albedo OP t1_it2u670 wrote

Yeah, you would think there would be some kind of restrictor on temp. Obviously it needs to get up to 75-80c to properly sanitize things like dishes and in a sensitive area that can definitely cause some irritation. But this had to have been closer to 85-90c. Great for black tea, bad for your rectum.

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dominus_aranearum t1_it38rhd wrote

Not sure where you are but here in the US, water heaters usually max out at 60°C (140°F) as that can already cause serious burns after a couple seconds. I'd be seriously suspect if your tankless is putting out the temps you claim. As for sanitizing dishes, your dishwasher will heat the already hot water to the necessary temps.

Your temp should be regulated at the heater, not the bidet.

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carppediem t1_it5zd08 wrote

Here in the states the house is regulated to 120F by the plumbing code; bidet on the other hand are regulated to 110F.

Sorry dumb lazy Amercan can’t convert to Celsius

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SpiritTalker t1_it11leh wrote

Is that what you call the heat of the moment?

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ichkanns t1_it2v4vw wrote

Doctor: what seems to be the problem.

Third degree burns exclusively on my anus... It was one in a million doc, one in a million.

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OppositeDay247 t1_it0whjf wrote

Nooooo😱 I knew the ending from the first sentence, I feel so sorry for you. Mine only does cold, I couldn't imagine.

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Slash_Raptor92 t1_it2jpj8 wrote

Finally an interesting post. This sub has been comatose and devoid of activity or like, the two or three months.

I have never visited anywhere that uses bidet, but this will serve as a useful warning if I ever do.

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Foxrex t1_it2jvo9 wrote

You going to cry about this all bidet?

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black_albedo OP t1_it2thwy wrote

Yeah, it really put my mood in the toilet. I was just so flushed with regret and plunged down the drain of missery. That's all the toilet puns I have in me, I'm pooped.

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JustSomeUsername99 t1_it10b2b wrote

Does it run for a while before spraying you? There is no way the water is hot instantly unless you're toilet is literally right next to the hot water heater.

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black_albedo OP t1_it10ocp wrote

It's connected to the same line as the shower and the water heater is in the laundry room immediately on the other side of the wall. The proximity to the bathroom and pre heating the shower absolutely set me up for failure here.

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elohesra t1_it4k6np wrote

Something seems wrong. A bidet is usually hooked up between the water supply and the toilet and the toilet only has a COLD water supply. Any heating of the water is done inside the bidet itself - at least that's how mine works, so a new water heater should not have made any difference. How the hell do you have your bidet hooked into hot water?!!

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weed6942069 t1_it57j1c wrote

The way you wrote this has me dying

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sherlip t1_it2ivn7 wrote

As soon as I read bidet, I knew where this was going and I recoiled.

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seang86s t1_it2lfnb wrote

Why is your bidet hooked up to the hot water line? Toilet bowls are usually fed by the cold water line and retrofit bidets usually tap into that. If you have to dial down your hot water heater to not burn your ass, it may not be hot enough for other tasks like dishwashers and washing machines. Manual bidets are meant to be hooked up to your cold water not hot cuz of the burn risk.

Get yourself a bidet that has a built in tank and heating element. It will warm the cold water just enough to be comfortable plus that have a drying function to dry your rear after the wash cycle is done. Plus other features like a seat warmer, nightlight, self clean feature, misting, etc.

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black_albedo OP t1_it2st2j wrote

So there are non electric models that plumb into the hot water line and the toilet line separately. There is a little knob on the side that controls the hot to cold ratio. In case anyone is curious the model I have is the brondell swash ecoseat non electric. Despite the recent issue I would still wholeheartedly recommend this an an entry level bidet option.

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seang86s t1_it4njsz wrote

Since you're a bidet fan, get an electric one with all the bells and whistles for your whistle! It's a game changer for sure. Oscillating spray head, courtesy flush....

I'll give you guess what I'm doing right now.

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black_albedo OP t1_it5ae0f wrote

Man, when I was buying mine I strongly considered dropping $500 on a primo, top of the line, electric bidet. I'm a cheap bastard and I couldn't bring myself to click the checkout button. Now that I know how life changing bidets really are, my next will be a fully featured unit. They say you spend a third of your life on your bed and a third in your shoes but if you eat as much Mexican as I do that's at least a tenth on the toilet. Mite as well invest!

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analytical_mayhem t1_it2nm3j wrote

From what I read the bidet had a slider to adjust temp, they had just turned it all the way up as the old water heater apparently was not as effective at heating the water up as the new electric one they had installed. From the sound of it they didn't think to test the temperature of the bidet after installing the new water heater and as such left the setting on max resulting in a burned anus.

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super_senpai64 t1_it2wus2 wrote

Seltzer water and lemon for blood 👍

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danielbpassos t1_it3ijfc wrote

When I moved to my new apartment, on the first floor, the first use of the bidet was something to be remembered. I still remember the water, with the pressure of a water cutting table, coming onto my ass.

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