lavishlad t1_it4lvbc wrote on October 20, 2022 at 10:03 PM

Reply to comment by SweetCosmicPope in TIFU by asking my friend out and destroying our chance of being together. by IAMSRK07

I obviously don't know the exact words the girl used, but if she wasn't able to straight up say "no", without girl-speak like "not right now" or "im not ready yet" then it's partly on her for not realizing the guy might not have got the message.

I understand it's not easy to flat out say "im not interested in you that way - not now, not ever" or whatever, but after making the excuse the girl should not assume it would be possible to be just friends with the guy. I know in an ideal rational world it should be possible, but emotions and hormones do exist. She needed to cut down on the friendship asap.

nowhereman1223 t1_it4s155 wrote on October 20, 2022 at 10:48 PM

So you say it’s her fault he pestered her and insulted her for months?

This is a great example of seriously problematic thinking. I suppose dressing nice and dancing is an invite to have sex? Or agreeing to a coffee means they are dating you?

Come on. Get your head on straight and understand people aren’t always direct.

lavishlad t1_it4twcc wrote on October 20, 2022 at 11:03 PM

>I suppose dressing nice and dancing is an invite to have sex?

Except I'm the one suggesting people should be more direct, so I'm not sure why you'd think I think that.

It's not her fault alone - it's both of their faults, his for not being able to understand she wasn't interested, and hers for not realizing that he'd not stop trying.

And so I'm suggesting that her not being direct ended up causing more trouble for both parties in the long run. This could be avoided by either being direct, or stopping to spend time with him after indirectly saying no to him.

AttractiveNuisance37 t1_it4vclp wrote on October 20, 2022 at 11:14 PM

I think you're underestimating the potential danger women face being more direct with Nice Guy types. I'm absolutely not accusing OP of anything here, but there is, in general, a safety aspect underlying a lot of the gentl3 non-rejection rejections, so just telling women to be more direct is not super helpful.

lavishlad t1_it51p8g wrote on October 21, 2022 at 12:02 AM

Yeah I realize that the indirectness, like most common behaviors, is born out of necessity more than anything.

Just saying that it can give the guy an excuse to reason out that it wasn't really a rejection. And if the guy asks to hang out a lot still, after the incident, it should be an immediate red flag for the girl that he hasn't got the message.

Because if it was a direct rejection, very few guys would be okay with hanging out with the girl too often after the incident.

nowhereman1223 t1_it4uuwj wrote on October 20, 2022 at 11:10 PM

You are blaming someone for not giving an answer in a direct enough way for you or someone else to accept as the answer.

Just take a No as a No. “Nah, not tonight” with no offer for a different time is a No. “Nah, not tonight, but next Wednesday works” is a yes for next Wednesday.

It’s not that difficult. But saying anything at all that blames someone for not yelling No at the pest is a problem.

lavishlad t1_it519i3 wrote on October 20, 2022 at 11:59 PM

>But saying anything at all that blames someone for not yelling No at the pest is a problem

This is the exact type of black-and-white thinking I find so exhausting arguing with. Nothing is an absolute, there is always a scope for suggestions on how something can be done differently.

Just to reiterate my point, a "Nah, not tonight" should be just taken as a "no" by someone thinking rationally, but it has the potential to not be by guys who are in denial. They can reason it out with themselves that "maybe she really meant some other time works fine" - I've seen people do it first hand.

I understand there are other reasons to not be direct, which makes sense to an extent, which is why I'm suggesting the alternative of being indirect and then not spending more time with the person.

If after the initial "No, not tonight", the guy asks to hang out again the next day, the girl should just not. If the guy really got her message, he wouldn't be asking to hang out so soon after anyway.

[deleted] t1_it548x1 wrote on October 21, 2022 at 12:21 AM

[removed]

IAMSRK07 OP t1_it66mof wrote on October 21, 2022 at 5:42 AM

I agree with this, it's my fault in persisting her but at the same time she didn't speak her mind even at one instance.