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JuliaThaddeus12 t1_it5rtov wrote

Yea, you shouldn’t have lied. But her joking about you being a virgin just rubs me the wrong way tbh. I think she might have some emotional issues (jealousy, insecurity maybe, immaturity). Good on you for telling the truth btw. We all lie about dumb stuff sometimes, the best people are the ones that can admit that they lied. In the future, hopefully you get with someone who you can like, actually feel comfortable enough to be open with. As a woman who’s dated virgins and nonvirgins, her behavior about sex/virginity screams insecurity in my opinion. She needs to address certain emotions she has about sex, and figure out where these fears come from. It sounds like she might be scared of your ex, and can’t handle the fact that you A. Had sex with your ex, and B. Lied to her, because what else have you lied about? (In her mind). She’s going to have to examine her role in all this, because it’s not just your fault. the thing you lied about is such a weird thing to feel like you would have to lie about, which makes me wonder if maybe you weren’t feeling respected or trusted enough in the relationship

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it5yj8f wrote

Thank you for your reply.

>It sounds like she might be scared of your ex, and can’t handle the fact that you A. Had sex with your ex, and B. Lied to her, because what else have you lied about? (In

I think this is spot on. We've known each other since before we started dating. I did speak to her about my ex back then and at one point I did say that I'd have liked it if we got back together. There were clearly unresolved feelings I had. I took my time to work through them before I started dating again. I don't think my girlfriend believed for the longest time that I was completely over my ex. Once we did start dating I avoided any conversation about my previous relationship.

When all of this went down, I told her that her attitude towards my ex made it difficult for me to come clean about being sexually involved. She doesn't want want to share the blame for any of it and says that it's all on me and that I shouldn't have waited this long to come clean.

Now that you mention it, it is weird that this was so difficult for me to talk about. I'm going to have to reflect on this a little.

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it8f7ec wrote

We texted each other about what happened today. Here is what I think I understood. Her values dictate that you need to make it clear to your partner about the experience you've had. She thought it was special that we'd share our first time together (we haven't had sex yet because we've lived together only for a couple of months). She'd just be a little miffed about it if I'd told her before. Now, she holds me responsible for not telling her this before we've even considered having sex. I feel like we'd definitely have spoken about it before our first time together.

Now, I also spoke to her about how she felt about my ex. She admits that my behaviour early on made her feel threatened by my ex girlfriend (we were long distance back then and I hadn't figured out her love language). I don't blame her for this. But the strange thing is, I think she genuinely was in denial about me being physically intimate with my ex girlfriend. Despite me trying to tell her that I did have some experience, she didn't really process it at the time.

Honestly it just seems as though we are people with different values and beliefs who do a terrible job at communicating these beliefs. Sure I did mess up by not immediately making it clear but the reason her reaction is so extreme is because of things beyond my control.

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JuliaThaddeus12 t1_it8rhpz wrote

I think both of your feelings about it are very understandable. The sad part of it is that she obviously really wanted your first time together to be special, and now she’s kind of forfeited that opportunity. She’s gotta learn to make it more clear to people what she wants in a relationship, or learn that she doesn’t have to be your first to be your best, and for it to be special. Is she waiting for marriage, or was she just waiting to be together longer before having sex?

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JuliaThaddeus12 t1_it8rr9t wrote

Ngl I’m a little confused about you living together for months without having sex...just wondering if there’s a specific reason why you’ve never done it together.

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it8z5hg wrote

She just wanted some time together to get comfortable. She said that i should have realised how important it is for me to be honest about this knowing her views on sex. I spoke to her about my previous relationship and apparently what irked her the most was how much i tried to avoid mentioning it. Go and figure that lol. I knew about her insecurities but apparently tip toeing around it only made it worse. I asked her if it would be possible for us to get back together in the future and she said she'd definitely consider it. I think I'll seek professional help to help correct how i react to her feelings in general.

Thank you for listening to me, you're very kind. God bless.

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