TIFU by confessing to my girlfriend that I wasn't actually a virgin

Submitted by throwway_1768 t3_y9ghwc in tifu

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 1 year. The majority of this was long distance. We only moved to the same city a couple of months ago. She is a virgin. Sex is something she does not take casually. She always joked about me not being experienced enough sexually. I did clear it up once that I have had some experience in the past and she brushed it off saying that it was so long ago it's like i never had any. She'd joke about me being a virgin from time to time and I could never gather the courage to bring up that I'd had sex in my previous relationship. I'm not sure why i did this. I think it was partly that my girlfriend believed that I wasn't completely over my previous relationship because any mention of it would upset her.

The topic of me being sexually inexperienced came up when we were drunk and then I confessed that I'd had sex with my previous girlfriend. Even this happened in the worst possible way, with her having to prod me after an uncomfortable silence.

Very understandably, she's decided to break up with me. I understand that it's a violation of her trust in me on so many different levels. This is a person who put in so much effort into loving me and this is how i pay them back.

TL;DR Lied to a long time girlfriend about being a virgin, ended up confessing when we were drunk and this broke our year long relationship overnight

Edit: To the people saying she's breaking up with me for not being a virgin, that isn't her issue. Her issue is that I lied to her about something she feels strongly about. The reason she's breaking up with me is because she can't trust me on anything anymore. Which I feel is fair, however harsh it may sound.

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TekkerJohn t1_it5jm0p wrote

>She always joked about me not being experienced enough sexually.

What is the "joke"? Does she believe in sexually experienced virgins? She sounds like someone who doesn't know WTF she wants. I think you shouldn't form serious relationships with people who make jokes about subjects they "do not take casually". That's a red flag.

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it5lah1 wrote

>What is the "joke"?

It might sound weird now that I think about it, but it'd be comments along the lines of "haha you've never touched a girl before".

I see your point but I don't think i can redeem myself over lying to her.

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thatsoundthough t1_it5msfg wrote

Then move on. Mourn the relationship if you want to, be friends with each other if you can. If you get back together when you're both more mature, cool. If not, you just go on. This isn't a monstrous offense on anyone's part. Just be human with each other and talk. Be totally honest and respectful with each other.

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it5n9nr wrote

Thank you for saying this. I too hope that we're able to move past this some day. Even if we're not able to, I still think I'm going to take the time to build the courage and the ability to have difficult conversations with my partner

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Disappointment_66624 t1_it6rnnn wrote

>It might sound weird now that I think about it, but it'd be comments along the lines of "haha you've never touched a girl before".

Lol you dodged a bullet

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Vast_Reflection t1_itrlxfr wrote

That’s really weird . . . Almost seems like she was trying to hold it over your head. Or that she’s making fun of virgins, when she’s one? Like the mindset is so weird to me.

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Asszir t1_it62tse wrote

With all due respect, how the fuck are you supposed to tell her you had sex with your previous girlfriend when she gets angry at any mention of it? She’s actually acting incredibly immature considering she even knows you’re not a virgin.

Also it ridiculous to expect a partner to not have had sex with a previous relationship when they’re a grown person in their 20’s. She’s a total prude and an asshole for dumping you over something like this.

Honestly go find someone who will want to connect with you intimately rather than wait a full year to be disappointed by someone who’s afraid to lose their virginity and be open with their partner.

You did nothing wrong

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LamarjbYT t1_itoj8or wrote

Disagree, it isn’t ridiculous to expect your partner not to lie to you.

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Asszir t1_itorld5 wrote

I mean, he even says he told her he’s not a virgin. And she acknowledged it, even if she brushed the fact aside. She broke up with him because it was a convenient reason and not because he “lied”. You’re not required to tell your partner about your dating history

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SevenZee t1_it5ihda wrote

The fact that she broke up with you because you’ve had sex before tells me she’s weird as hell and not worth your time anyway.

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WickedyWade t1_it5jrxe wrote

She broke up with him for lying. Not for being a virgin

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ConferenceOk1110 t1_it6kv18 wrote

Yes, but she was making jokes about his sexual experience. Brushing his experience off as 'irrelevant'. Saying he's become a virgin again..

When someone is doing that, it's very difficult to say 'Hey honey, we need to sit down. I've had sex before okay? Deal with it'.

Her ending the relationship while she has been demoting his experiences is not okay if you ask me.

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it5jo52 wrote

I don't really think that is an issue. Apologies if my post made it seem that way. Her issue is that I lied to her about it, or didn't have the balls to clear it up

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itsme00400 t1_it5ivr2 wrote

Shouldn't have lied but anyone who makes virginity into that big of a deal is not someone I'd want to be with.

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awpiiii t1_it5gt4s wrote

I think you dodged a bullet, OP

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it5h3xj wrote

Why do you think so. I feel like a horrible person for lying about something for so long

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awpiiii t1_it5j3c8 wrote

Op, from what I gather you didn't lie, you told her you had experience and she brushed it off.

Furthermore, she has no reason or right to get angry for whatever you did with your exgirlfriend nor is it sane for her to get angry whenever you mention it.

She's downright toxic and you dodged a bullet IMHO.

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maurtshop t1_it5kdd0 wrote

also mentioning that she still thinks youre not over your last relationship and the two of you having had sex influences that... it's just weird

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JuliaThaddeus12 t1_it5rtov wrote

Yea, you shouldn’t have lied. But her joking about you being a virgin just rubs me the wrong way tbh. I think she might have some emotional issues (jealousy, insecurity maybe, immaturity). Good on you for telling the truth btw. We all lie about dumb stuff sometimes, the best people are the ones that can admit that they lied. In the future, hopefully you get with someone who you can like, actually feel comfortable enough to be open with. As a woman who’s dated virgins and nonvirgins, her behavior about sex/virginity screams insecurity in my opinion. She needs to address certain emotions she has about sex, and figure out where these fears come from. It sounds like she might be scared of your ex, and can’t handle the fact that you A. Had sex with your ex, and B. Lied to her, because what else have you lied about? (In her mind). She’s going to have to examine her role in all this, because it’s not just your fault. the thing you lied about is such a weird thing to feel like you would have to lie about, which makes me wonder if maybe you weren’t feeling respected or trusted enough in the relationship

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it5yj8f wrote

Thank you for your reply.

>It sounds like she might be scared of your ex, and can’t handle the fact that you A. Had sex with your ex, and B. Lied to her, because what else have you lied about? (In

I think this is spot on. We've known each other since before we started dating. I did speak to her about my ex back then and at one point I did say that I'd have liked it if we got back together. There were clearly unresolved feelings I had. I took my time to work through them before I started dating again. I don't think my girlfriend believed for the longest time that I was completely over my ex. Once we did start dating I avoided any conversation about my previous relationship.

When all of this went down, I told her that her attitude towards my ex made it difficult for me to come clean about being sexually involved. She doesn't want want to share the blame for any of it and says that it's all on me and that I shouldn't have waited this long to come clean.

Now that you mention it, it is weird that this was so difficult for me to talk about. I'm going to have to reflect on this a little.

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it8f7ec wrote

We texted each other about what happened today. Here is what I think I understood. Her values dictate that you need to make it clear to your partner about the experience you've had. She thought it was special that we'd share our first time together (we haven't had sex yet because we've lived together only for a couple of months). She'd just be a little miffed about it if I'd told her before. Now, she holds me responsible for not telling her this before we've even considered having sex. I feel like we'd definitely have spoken about it before our first time together.

Now, I also spoke to her about how she felt about my ex. She admits that my behaviour early on made her feel threatened by my ex girlfriend (we were long distance back then and I hadn't figured out her love language). I don't blame her for this. But the strange thing is, I think she genuinely was in denial about me being physically intimate with my ex girlfriend. Despite me trying to tell her that I did have some experience, she didn't really process it at the time.

Honestly it just seems as though we are people with different values and beliefs who do a terrible job at communicating these beliefs. Sure I did mess up by not immediately making it clear but the reason her reaction is so extreme is because of things beyond my control.

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JuliaThaddeus12 t1_it8rhpz wrote

I think both of your feelings about it are very understandable. The sad part of it is that she obviously really wanted your first time together to be special, and now she’s kind of forfeited that opportunity. She’s gotta learn to make it more clear to people what she wants in a relationship, or learn that she doesn’t have to be your first to be your best, and for it to be special. Is she waiting for marriage, or was she just waiting to be together longer before having sex?

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JuliaThaddeus12 t1_it8rr9t wrote

Ngl I’m a little confused about you living together for months without having sex...just wondering if there’s a specific reason why you’ve never done it together.

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it8z5hg wrote

She just wanted some time together to get comfortable. She said that i should have realised how important it is for me to be honest about this knowing her views on sex. I spoke to her about my previous relationship and apparently what irked her the most was how much i tried to avoid mentioning it. Go and figure that lol. I knew about her insecurities but apparently tip toeing around it only made it worse. I asked her if it would be possible for us to get back together in the future and she said she'd definitely consider it. I think I'll seek professional help to help correct how i react to her feelings in general.

Thank you for listening to me, you're very kind. God bless.

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maurtshop t1_it5h6ub wrote

it's kinda scummy that you lied (by omission) about it for so long but like, you did allude to it in the past and she just ignored you. and if she ended a year long relationship over this one thing maybe you, uh, didnt fuck up as hard as you think you did. just a thought.

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it5hogf wrote

I don't really know at this point. She just doesn't trust me anymore. She thinks it's disrespectful that I didn't tell her about it. All of these are feelings that I don't think are uncalled for.

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Patient-Quarter-1684 t1_it5kdmz wrote

You dodged a bullet.

Yes you lied by omission, but why did she seem to be ok with mocking you for not being sexually experienced?

She supposedly wasn't experienced either.

Very juvenile behavior.

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maurtshop t1_it5hz6e wrote

i mean, did you explicitly say you were a virgin? did she ask? or did she make that assumption? i get youre going through it but it feels like you're leaving something out here.

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it5j9ev wrote

She never asked the question directly and I never said anything about it either. I wasn't sure if she was joking about me being a virgin till a few months back when I realised she'd assumed this for the longest time. Even before this, I'd tried telling her once that I'd had experience in an indirect way and she brushed it off. We never had a direct conversation about it.

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maurtshop t1_it5k61c wrote

yeah no dude that's a really weird assumption to make about a person. if it's that important to her and she didn't establish that out the gate esp when you tried to clear it up then.... idk what to say she just doesn't sound particularly mature or good with communication. you should've been more clear earlier for sure but i understand what an awkward sitch it put you in. i know youre going thru it rn but ngl it sounds like it wouldve imploded one way or another. not entirely your fault

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throwway_1768 OP t1_it5kdz0 wrote

That's the thing, she's told me that it wouldn't have come to this if I didn't lie about it. I don't think she can get herself to trust me on anything anymore

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maurtshop t1_it5kns6 wrote

that doesn't sound true tho. you guys both messed up, the communication here is just not it. you really really shouldn't be blaming yourself entirely when she didn't clue you into any of this. you're not a horrible person, you just sound like youre in your 20s

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KittikatB t1_it5xa39 wrote

It's also disrespectful of her to dismiss you telling her you had past experiences. It really sounds like she ignored that because she didn't want to know and only got pissed when you finally put an end to her pretending it wasn't true.

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Bluddy-9 t1_it5j5l2 wrote

You both probably made a mistake, but that’s young love for ya. Don’t beat yourself up too much about it.

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AppalachianWidow t1_it82vgn wrote

I don’t understand why she just assumed you were a virgin. Unless you pushed the narrative in that direction it was really foolish of her to assume so. Also, you told her you had experience. She just didn’t want to hear it. She obviously doesn’t know what she wants either. On one hand she wants you to be a virgin. Yet on the other it sounds like she wants her first sexual partner to have experience. You really didn’t lie to her. You tried to tell her. She sounds like one of those people that doesn’t want to hear anything that could rock the boat so to speak. They would rather pretend everything was just how they want it. I think you may have dodged a bullet. If y’all do get back together she will probably never let you live it down. The “lie” or the fact you had sex with someone before her.

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_pixie_cut_climber t1_itclryv wrote

Dude, you didn't lie.

She 1. Made fun of you for "not having experience" 2. Ignored you when you tried to correct that statement with the truth. 3. Got upset when you explained that you in fact HAD had sex

She doesn't know what she wants. She made fun of you for something she seemed to want from you. You are not a bad person. Let her go and move on.

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id_death t1_it7qrav wrote

Look, this all seems pretty juvenile on both sides.

>Even this happened in the worst possible way, with her having to prod me after an uncomfortable silence.

So she's making fun of the lack of experience of a guy who is supposedly a virgin and youre sitting there quietly seething thinking "fuck this girl, I've HAD sex before", but you dont want to tell her because youll blow your chance to....marry her? Because you know if she's seriously there's NO way she's gonna do it before marriage.

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Orbnotacus t1_it9ss4e wrote

"Dating for 1 year", "long time girlfriend", "sex is not something she takes casually".

Safe to assume you're both close to being literal children.

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Vast_Reflection t1_itrmqy3 wrote

See the thing is he said she’s 24! That’s way too old to be this childish and immature about this. She honestly sounds like one of those girls who was raised in a cult or something, super isolated and weird outdated views on sex

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Orbnotacus t1_its6urz wrote

I totally understand what you mean, but a minority of people are still children until they're almost 30. The whole "once you're 18, you're an adult" thing is bogus. No one is an "adult" by then.

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Vast_Reflection t1_its7ydf wrote

Well yeah, obviously. Only teenagers think that 30 year olds have their life together. But at 24 she definitely should be on a path of understanding why she reacts the way she does around sex and how it might not be healthy. It didn’t really seem like she did and instead blamed others (as OP found).

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SethMalcolm1 t1_it9xqse wrote

Bro ur fine, even after the edit she's 100% in the wrong. Your chilling my G, ya dodged a bullet.

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ballpoint169 t1_itb02cf wrote

this sounds like the most stupid reason to break up with someone I could even imagine.

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nurgle_enjoyer t1_it8gbpk wrote

Good on you OP for understanding her position and not making this something more messy than it needed 2 be just remember 2 keep your head

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Unique-Operation9766 t1_itf8x02 wrote

Well at least you were honest and she doesn't have to continue in her incorrect assumption any longer. I was a virgin and assumed my fiancee was a Virgin because of our religion. When it came up later that he actually wasn't, I felt very jilted and robbed of precious relationship experiences before settling down with someone at a similar experience level.

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Mode-Klutzy t1_itfr6xw wrote

If some kind soul could explain to me, why is virginity such a relationship turner? Why would someone just 180 on someone if they were/weren’t a virgin? But let’s just say no lies we’re possibly included. Is it the whole experience thing? How’s someone supposed to get experience if either they’re with someone who is also brand new or someone which the wits just 180s and bails?

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icametolearnabout t1_iu6dueb wrote

Did she actually ever directly ask if you were a Virgin or was it just implied?

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Crashpoint t1_it9krnm wrote

Pro tip: don't talk about your previous sex life to your current partner. Once you start going down that rabbit hole, stuff like what you said will happen so it's best to keep that stuff tight-lipped.

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phunkydroid t1_it5j0n8 wrote

No TYFU by lying, not by confessing.

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