TIFU by asking my mom what my father ex wife told her

Submitted by whatshereforme t3_ydj7si in tifu

for context; my father never spoke of his ex wife who ill be calling ST. we knew he was married before but he never told us why they broke it off. well if you look at my other post you'll see my rant about me hating my father, that will kinda help you understand why i call him father not dad .

anyways my sister was telling my mom about the things my father use to do when he got mad at us (me, older sister, older brother[ brother wasnt his kid tho]). he would scream and say he wishes he didnt have us lol. and i brought up how his ex wife ST texted me a few days after he upped and left explaining how she should have warned my mom and how my father would talk to her(she never told me what he said tho) and how shes sorry and hopes we get better. well ST texted my mom and i asked what did she say and my mom dropped a FUCKING BOMB about how my father would call ST crying telling ST how much he hated his new life and how he would love to spend weekends with her. of course ST hated him because she would come home and be fucking smoking crack and snorting coke. (I NEVER KNEW THAT) and ST went on in details about where he would sit and call her.

i regret asking what she said. that makes me even hate him more because i went through hell my childhood having to hear and deal with getting told "i wish i never did this" or "yall are fucking annoying" or getting screamed at and things getting thrown around or near me.

TL/DR; TIFU by asking my mom what my father ex wife told her after he left

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AcrobaticSource3 t1_itsix7x wrote

How old are you? Does your father live with you? Are you close to moving out for college? Can you stay with your older siblings?

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whatshereforme OP t1_itsjsig wrote

im only 15 my siblings are 16 and 18 and no my father left when i was 13 i lived in hell with him for many years and if your wondering i never told my mom i was very scared of my father but i dont talk to him anymore

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suckrates t1_ittypmu wrote

You sound smart and you see everything that happened to you clearly. Life will get better and you will find people that appreciate you, I promise :)

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TuliBean t1_itv67cj wrote

Your mom FU telling you. You don't deserve the v weight of or ins and outs of this. Please, remind yourself it isn't about you. There was no perfect combo that he got wrong. Your life and experience is valid, but this is their FU. You're surely a great kid if she has that trust. But that was also a lot you didn't have to and should never have heard. My stepmother told me in detail about my dad's infedilty when I was only a little older than you. About 20yrs later, I can't believe shit. I tried telling her as an adult about a series of sexual assaults she or my dad could have prevented. She did not even react, just said to call My dad. Yeah, no.

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whatshereforme OP t1_itvjbkt wrote

i can understand but ive been wanting to cut my father out my ife since july 2020 but my sister has been wanting to see him(only for money). i have cu thim out my life this july after his wedding that i forced to go to by my sister(who im thinking about also cutting out my life for a different reason) and i know it should hav estayed with my mom but it doesnt make a difference because he is OUT my life for good, it gave me a much more bigger reason to not let him eb in my life. also what he did while i was in 8th grade put a bad tol on my mental and emotional health and he would make me cry a lot during school and a bunch more things.

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TuliBean t1_itvlj2f wrote

When you are older, it will help to get him a little more. Didn't mean you're all compassionate about whatever, but you'll start to just see him as the fcked up adults they are. It's all going to come down to the story you tell yourself. You're over him and he can keep his money -that's my oldest brother, but he also wnt challenge my dad on anything. I do, but also for the FIRST time in adulthood my dad is helping me a fair bit financially as I deal with insane other shit (but also am helping him with some stuff too so it's ok with me). So instead of my dad's an Asshole, now it's that followed by 'because he left home tooo young, was 2 or more years younger than his peer, bullied, assaulted by other kids, then went to medical school at fsu where you are also treated like shit. So he made a lot of bad choices and has character flaws he won't allow himself to see and surfers because of it. He's probably very confused and I know is sad his kids aren't closer to him. Cry me a river, right? I know I am smart and resilient and there's a lot he did to make my childhood hard and ways he absolutely should have protected me, ways he's let me down. But It also helps me understand Parts of myself that need work, and now there is shit I will make sure to do as a parent and plenty to take note never to do. You can break the shtty dad,trauma cycle! Today just be glad and enjoy the parts of hs you can. You can't get away with some of its much longer. [As I thinking of being on random peoples property so my friend and I could roll down the massive hills. Super weird for me to do now.]

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whatshereforme OP t1_itvn787 wrote

well hes gonna die before i even turn 25 hes a drinker. but i really can do this on my own. my father took $500 and left my sahm with only 100 bucks, took the only good car and vanish, my mom is my only hero. he only showed me how much of a "man" he is

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TuliBean t1_itvof6i wrote

Moms are badass. Friend of mine had a kickers career an her ex cheated with an attorney who showed him how to takeall her money. She lost her job because the owner took another job, so while all that falls apart leaves her with a7 yr old and $5. Dad's can sometimes just totally divorce themselves from reality while Moms only wish they could long enough to pee in peace.

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whatshereforme OP t1_itvjyzh wrote

also i forgot to say my father has dragged me and my sister into their drama many times so i knew nearly most that happened. also my mom never told me anything about what happened in court so i give her that part.

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TuliBean t1_itvmigo wrote

It's a lot to deal with for her too I'm sure. Just keep talking to her about how you feel and every once in a while make she knows you love her. It can get easy to get back to life and lose sight of the hard stuff parent do for us to make up for the one falling short. Just don't lose sleep over that part. Every woman knows there's a risk they're going to be raising the kids solo anymore.

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whatshereforme OP t1_itvngds wrote

i try to but its hard i have bad emtional trauma (from oonr of my exs) so explain or telling someone i know i love it hard

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TuliBean t1_itvp650 wrote

If you're able to access therapy through school or if you are able to find someone, it'll help to start working with someone sooner than later. I didn't get any until 27, but it should have happened by 11 for me. I know it can be weird if they're at your school, but they are not blabbing it all around at all. I know that was a fear I had with the guidance counselors at my school, but they can Also help you catch some slack. And will be way more helpful when you go to apply to college, should you choose to go.

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