TIFU Embarrassing drunk story

Submitted by hairymange t3_yg968m in tifu

So this happened a while ago, however I decided to share this story with the internet. One summer night along time ago, my bro his GF and I decided we were all getting hammered. To be specific we were drinking tequila. We drank most of the night and the last thing that I remember is passing out on the couch. At some point in the night i started sleep walking. In my drunken, somehow physically capable of walking slumber, my body decided on a plan that my mind refused to be present for, so my mind entered the witness protection program (blackout drunk). I went in to my brothers room, where he and his innocent gf at the time lay so peaceful and still. My bro apparently had been awake trying to go to bed, so i find out later the next day when i hear about my drunken escapades. I , in my blacked out genius thinking, walk over to the edge of my brothers bed. he lay there feeling a still in the air of the calm before the storm. He turns over and looks up to see me standing there, so full of shock he is speechless for he knows what comes next. The storm arrives and him and his gf get a golden shower as i decide to make it rain on them. He yells fuck and throws the blanket over them but it is too late. His girlfriend wakes up as her curly hair is drenched from the thunderstorm. The shocked and angry Puerto Rican girl begins screaming at my brother in spanish, a language he knows nothing of. So while my poor brother is being screamed at in spanish, while he is soaked in tequila piss, his own bed soaked down to the mattress, i am still pissing. His gf, who is also one of my besties, blamed him and stormed out of the apartment for the night. He looks at me slowly fumbling around, making my way to the couch to pass out as if nothing had happened. I found out the next day when my mind had returned from the witness protection program, all that unfolded the night before

TL:DR. tequila got me blacked out, sleepwalk to my brothers room, he and his girl gets golden shower, she gets mad at him

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Ultronomy t1_iu7ktxi wrote

Sounds like you had some blood in your alcohol stream.

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GameKyuubi t1_iu7qeh2 wrote

dominance asserted, good job

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digitaldigdug t1_iu7tzk7 wrote

In other words, drunk him was trying to find the bathroom, but made one instead. At least he didn't do worse.

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harleyspoison267 t1_iu7z878 wrote

When you said your brain entered the witness protection program, i was expecting a secret agent story, but this is funny too. Poor girlfriend. Curly hair is tough to clean/maintain and i bet that bed never recovered.

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handinhand12 t1_iu81g68 wrote

Yeah I have a similar story...

This happened right after me and my wife moved into a new apartment. Our dog's bed is at the foot of our bed. Apparently I woke up in the middle of the night and just started peeing on the little guy. My wife said she woke up because he started going crazy trying to make me stop. She asked me what I was doing and I just replied "We always do this," as if it was normal. She knew something was up so she asked me what my middle name was and I said "Thomas (true)...Or Montana." Montana was where I was born.

At this point she's freaking out at the whole situation and starts taking the sheets off our bed since my pee had gotten all over the bottom of them as well. She tells me to go let our dog outside because he's still freaking out so I do. We go back in and I just laid down in the bed and went back to sleep. I woke up 20 minutes or so later after she had given him a quick bath and thrown everything in the laundry. I remember asking her why she was doing laundry in the middle of the night and she told me everything.

The funniest part of the story is that the next day, we both left for a while and when we had gotten home, our dog had peed on my pillow. Never in his life had he done that and he's never done it since. I can't help but feel like he was getting back at me...

I've had several other incidents but after looking it up, it seems like there's several things that cause it. Genetics, new places, drinking, and stress are some of them. My dad has had a history of sleepwalking his entire life. As I mentioned, we had just moved to a new apartment. We had had some wine to end the night after a long night of unpacking. And our cat had found the tiniest hole next to the dishwasher and had been lost the entire day which caused us both a lot of stress looking for her. It was the perfect storm.

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xEvilMunkyx t1_iu8ande wrote

What is it with dudes pissing in random places when blackout drunk? I have two friends with this problem and they're half brothers. I was roommates with both of them at one time or another.

The younger one woke up one night and decided to take a piss down the stairs. I was still awake and all the sudden heard a tinkling on the other side of the wall. I was going to go out and yell at him, but ended up deciding against it. He didn't know where he was so he took a step forward and promptly fell down the stairs. He was ok but bruised up pretty bad, I figured that was punishment enough.

The older one, in a different apartment, twice tried to piss all over my entertainment center while blackout drunk. The first time no one was awake to stop him. I got a call at work the next morning: "Hey, your PS3 won't turn on and it's got a flashing yellow (I think?) light. We're literally draining water out of it into the sink." Oddly enough the PS3 survived and I used it for several years after that (still have it tucked away in a box somewhere). The second time, he had passed out early. All the sudden he stands up and walks straight to the entertainment center and starts making the motions. We all yell at him, turn him around, and escort him to the bathroom.

I feel like the older one had an excuse, he was deployed in Afghanistan for some time, so I can understand getting into a habit of waking up and pissing wherever in the desert. But the younger one idolized his brother so much I think he started taking on some of his worse traits, this one being the worst.

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kaosi_schain t1_iu8fugb wrote

I would say we can play "Never Have I Ever" but OP would "win" which is the last thing they need.

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Smirkydarkdude t1_iu8vfgs wrote

Replying to handinhand12 (#308,215)

A Golden Shower Retriever I presume? Any time we pissed the dog off it would climb up into a kids bed and lay a stinker on their pillow. Like... in her doggy head it makes sense to say "I'm mad at you but I know my place so I'll shit on your kids bed"

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Ok-Acanthaceae-4609 t1_iuapqzu wrote

Mission accomplished unsuccessfully. You have definitely notn't asserted your dominance and power(?).

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paperfett t1_iuhc3ou wrote

Replying to handinhand12 (#308,215)

"We always do this" had me absolutely rolling laughing. Like it's just standard for you to piss on your dog on a nightly basis. It's absolutely hysterical that your dog pissed on your pillow.

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handinhand12 t1_iuk9foy wrote

Replying to paperfett (#376,744)

Haha I know. That phrase has become an inside joke for us. We say it all the time now.

Honestly, it's just so weird to me thinking about me doing something I don't remember. Like if she had taken a video of it, I would have been watching something I did in real life for the first time. It's strange.

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