I feel like you should just tell your mom the truth…

I feel like you are right. But talking isn't really her strong suit and I don't know how to tell her "I am embarassed by the way you treat me" without offending her or making things worse.

Then you just might need to offend your mother. Things might get worse for a bit, but they won’t get better if you don’t speak up.

If you offend her, then she will understand how you feel. You don’t need to worry about causing offence to people who are unkind to you even if they are family.

You have difficulty because you think you should explain why you lied. This is the fact: you lied, trying to explain your boyfriend not coming. You are still stuck in old patterns. You want to blame your mom for you telling him not to come (and then not informing her). This is how you tell your mom: “Mom, I lied when I said he wasn’t feeling well. The truth is that I told him not to come.” Don’t give a reason unless she asks. Tell her it was wrong for you not to tell her he was not coming, perhaps that you understand why she was angry, because I think you do, and she explained it to you. I assume you are not living with your parents. (If you are, this is much more complicated). In any case, the only way forward is with the truth and no excuses or “reasons.” — unless asked, and even then be careful. As children, we learned to make excuses. If we had a good excuse, it was okay. But it wasn’t okay, and that never really worked well. Lying makes your life complicated. Keep it simple.

I don't understand why you are tip toeing around it. Just be blunt. Then stop worrying abt what they think. Once you do, not only will you be happier, they will usually start putting in an effort. As far as your piercing, it doesnt matter if they like it or not, or if they approve. Its your body, your choice.

How about he meets everyone but your mom. She’s the one that makes things difficult and makes you flustered to the point of lying. Or would that make things worse?

I am tip toeing because I'm not one for confrontation. But I'm seeing now that this is a good time to change that

thank you, I think I needed to hear that

I think you need to give up trying to make your mom happy. Obviously I can't speak on how she's treated you your whole life but I really think you need some independence from your mother.

You seem to feel anxious about not upsetting her when really it's not your fault that she chooses to react the way she does, and you shouldn't have to feel like you need to lie or alter yourself to avoid her reactions.

I think you should focus on yourself and your life and your relationship and have some time away from your mother. I'm sorry she treats you like that, and I'm sorry your father doesn't stop her.

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hah that did cross my mind. it would definitely make things more complicated. but I yearn to have a good relationship with her someday. I'm realizing now that there are patterns here that need to be broken if there is going to be any chance of that happening. so I will make a last attempt to include her in my life and will distance myself if that does make things worse.

You're hurting your bf at expense of your mother.

I know. that was my biggest mistake and my biggest priority to fix right now. I love him deeply and he has only ever shown me love and respect. I hope to have him in my life for as long as possible, even if that means cutting ties with a family member whose shown me the opposite of that.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation, and how you got here is perfectly natural. I absolutely understand conflict avoidance. That said, I think you need to have a serious talk with your parents about how they treat you. You aren't a teenager, or some early 20s airhead who thinks they know everything. You are an adult, in every sense of the word, and if they can't respect you or trust you enough to live your life as you like, then they need to keep that to themselves, and not take it out on you, because at this point, that is a THEM problem, not a you problem. They are the ones who need to grow up and treat you with a modicum of respect just like they would any other adult. I hate conflict as much as anyone, but it doesn't sound like your parents, especially your mother, are going to budge on being this childish, so it's up to you to confront them.

You deserve respect, and even if they disagree with your decisions, that's OK. But they have no right to take their issues out on you. You deserve better.

thank you. I think you are right. She has treated me this way all of my life. I have a lot of compassion for her for the life she has had and her relationship with her own mother, but she has a lot of healing to do and I don't want to suffer at that expense anymore.. I have a solid and loving relationship with every single other member of my family and she only really treats me this way. she's harsh with my father and younger brother too but they seem to just be accepting of it and to brush it off with far less emotional distress. though I've tried to tell them how she makes me feel, I don't think they fully understand how much her actions affect my mental health and apparently my life decisions. I can't say I blame my father. He has been there for me in literally everything else in life, so if this is the one thing he wants to stay out of I feel like I can give him that. thank you

Your parents sound pathetic. Are you from India or some other Asian country xD Parents religious?

And you’re 26?

Why is everyone on earth getting a nose piercing. It's not attractive and now everyone has one, so you aren't even unique.

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Honestly, your parents sounds like they are a negative in your life from this post. So if they treat you like this in other parts of your life, you might want to take some time to think through if you might need to create some distance between you, then reevaluate after some time.

Stunted social ability can often come from many things, she might be a fully functioning adult in other settings than with her parents.

For me, this seems like a socially abusive relationship, however it is impossible to draw such conclusions from just this short piece of text.

I just don’t understand how people can actively dishonor themselves by shrinking their boundaries and needs. I have my own salad bar of mental health issues and crippling anxiety, but I be damned if I made it even worse on myself by pretending I didn’t have an opinion or the ability to express myself. Like OP is 26, has a relationship, but isn’t able to stand up for themselves? Kinda seems like some things are out of order here

Agreed fully. Tip toe-ing and dancing around the problem is only adding to the frustration. You can’t understand why mom doesn’t understand you, your mom can’t understand her daughters decision making and thinks the boyfriend is irresponsible due to the OP’s own irresponsibility.

Here’s something I learned (thankfully early on), sometimes it’s best to fess up and come clean. Worst that can happen is what, she gives you more silent treatment? Lol

what race is your parents in this context?

Grow some balls, or hang some to this piercing of yours

Your parents sound as if they are low-key abusive towards you. Giving someone the silent treatment is abusive and controlling. I think you need to move out, if you haven't already, and consider limiting your interactions with your mother especially.

Also maybe just set up a lunch where your brother and grandmother can meet your bf.

This is not a you problem, it is your mom’s problem. Lay everything out for your boyfriend and let him decide if he wants to wade into the lion’s den. If he sees it firsthand, it may make him empathetic to your situation. I have 4 kids and, honestly, I haven’t liked all of their partners, but I don’t let them know it. Their partners never had a clue because I treated them as I would treat anyone else. I’m sorry you got a raw deal in the mom department. It looks like your dad learned how to handle her behavior. Just act indifferent to her opinions because she probably enjoys that she can get you so worked up. Good luck to you.

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Lol just communicate you ding dong. Just send them an email if you are afraid of confrontation, own up to it, and try to speak up for yourself more in the future

Your mom sounds immature and childish. Fuck what she thinks, if she has an issue with him coming over or otherwise she can tell you instead of giving you a petty silent treatment.

Fuck your mom. Bring your bf to your grandma and brother. Enjoy your time with them.

Who else thinks the bf should just bail out

What do you get out of the relationship with her at this point, other than stress and shame? Is she providing some kind of financial support?

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I don’t know your background (religious or nationality), but it does appear that your mother uses shame to make you feel inferior. Brene Brown has podcasts,videos, and Ted talks about this subject that you may benefit from. I think you understanding what makes you happy will make your life so much more fulfilling. Express yourself in your appearance and surround yourself with people who bring you up. Just because someone birthed you does not mean they deserve the right to destroy you emotionally.

Your parents are cavernous assholes and who gives a single shit what their feelings or opinions are. You shouldn't. Gotta give respect to get respect, so no respect for disrespectful dickheads.

I wish I could respond to everyone right now, I appreciate the comments. but I am currently at my parents house to tell them the truth. Family is very important to me and I want to try to make things better, but if it looks like it won't then I have accepted the fact I will have to cut ties (not just because of this but for 26 years worth of situations like this). I've also layed everything out for my boyfriend and while he has been understanding I can see why this would make him want to leave.

Also, this has all helped me realize I should probably go to therapy, so thanks for that too

wow i probably shouldnt have laughed at this 😲

I was you two years ago. Boundaries with my mother are key. I sent mine an email. But you have to tell her or she will keep doing it. Good luck.