I just shit behind a gas station after twelve hours of driving thanks to Rowdy Energy®

so, the title is pretty self explanatory but I think I shit out the rest of what little dignity I had left there in those bushes

seriously, i had just made it through the adirondacks without hitting any of the eight deer that jumped out at me, and my normally caffeine sensitive ass thought my sugar-free energy drink that I had decided to try out wasn't working...

so I chugged all unholy 160mg of smooth caffeinated nectar down.

all was well until literally the LAST TEN MINUTES OF MY DRIVE.

my normally trusty sphincter of steel was no match for... well let's just say they don't call it ROWDY energy for nothing.

MINUTES from home my lower bowels let out the loudest alarm cry I had ever heard from them, and so my sweat glands began weeping in unison. you know you're about to be in deep shit (literally) when u get the shit sweats.

yeah. so as I sat there white-knuckling the steering wheel, I pleaded with my own asshole, but to no avail. I knew that the runs offer no gophering grace period... I had to find a toilet NOW or my cream interior was about to turn chocolate.

I gazed into each and every sparse business I passed, hoping for a sign of life that would indicate a safe shitting asylum but not a soul was out there, as if they knew just how much damage this loaded cannon would do.

left with no choice, I searched for the nearest gas station, knowing that that it may not even be open. I drove on in pure agony armed only with a fool's hope for my poor colon's wavering control.

after minutes of gritting my teeth, i reach the gas station. on the other side of the median? no problem. I pull the most breakneck U-ie I've ever done and see that the pumps are still open, and hope surges deep within my bowels.

I screech into the small, empty parking lot, not even making it into a parking spot. I get out and barely manage to grab my keys from the ignition before I SPRINT to the door, each stride weakening the mudslide floodgates.

I nearly sob as the doorhandles to my salvation failed to budge, unlike my now-leaking asshole.

I am not even thinking, just reacting to this inevitable Code Brown. I am a diarrheal animal running feral in this deserted, desolate and forsaken gas station parking lot, with just enough human sense left within me to snatch the roll of paper towel sitting miraculously on my passenger seat. As if put there by a guardian angel of shits.

that must've been who was watching over me as I made a mad dash to the dead bushes that were half lit by a floodlight in the back, and to my betrayal, the headlights of my trusty car. I had no clue who or what awaited me back there, and I heard the hum of some machine still on.

still, I persevered INTO the bushes, moving heaven, earth, and spiky twig and branch to be as out of sight as my puking asshole could let me.

I dropped trou immediately as my feet crunched layers of litter beneath them. as I regretfully let out one of the top three most egregious bowel movements of my life, I noticed a drop-off behind me and a series of sketchy-ass warehouses and buildings. I just noticed objects and more litter all around me, and for all I knew I could be shitting right on top of someone's encampment.

mind you , I have no hangups whatsoever about shitting outdoors. I'd dare say some of my best shits hav been while wilderness backpacking. but this simply could not compare to any other shitty situation I'd ever been in.

I was simultaneously sketched the fuck out and repulsed at the idea of shitting in public to begin with, and i prayed for the continued protection of my guardian angel of shits as I make a disappointingly hasty cleanup and haul ass back to my car, hopefully never to be seen again by whoever may have seen me in my most lowest of lows.

with a damning amount of sugarfree laxative that will at least leave you with enough energy to cope with the nuclear dookie fallout, that, my comrades in caca, is my honest-to-god review of Rowdy Your Bowels Energy®.

TL;DR: i shit myself ten minutes from home behind a closed gas station cause I didn't feel anything from my sugarfree energy drink that I needed to fuel me on my 12 hour long drive home. all this resulted in was the death of my dignity and asshole.