Hello everybody, I am writing this today (the day after thanksgiving) as I died of sheer embarrassment and humiliation.

Backstory:

Mother In Law (MIL) invites my wife and I over for thanksgiving. She orders frozen food, and it will be stored in her freezer until 1-2 hours before dinner. My wife is allergic to dairy, and all the food my MIL ordered she could not eat (This included the turkey breasts). My MIL ordered turkey breasts, broccoli rice and cheese, sweet potatoes, mac and cheese, and a apple pie. Now my MIL knows my wife's allergy really well, and both my wife and I are not sure why she did this. When my wife found this out she could not eat any of the food, she wanted to cancel thanksgiving dinner and just stay home. After some googling on how to make a turkey, and knowing my BBQ skills are really good I tried to ease the situation with my MIL and wife by offering to make the turkey for the dinner. My wife was so happy to hear this, and was looking forward to it. She bought vegan sides, made her own cranberry sauce, and planned to eat a lot of my turkey. She knows from past experience that when I BBQ everything comes out tasty, and perfect temperature. This folks is the beginning of the fuck up.

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Side note: This thanksgiving will be the first thanksgiving as a married couple, and our first holiday at my MIL's house.

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The Fuck up:

About 9 days ago I ask my mom about a turkey recipe grandma used to make, and the homemade gravy in the pan. I know from the past this tasted good, and was totally dairy free. Why fix something that ain't broke was my attitude. I write down all the ingredients, and steps then head to the store. At store I buy a RAW turkey (not frozen), and all the ingredients. Little to my knowledge at the time my mom forgot to tell me I needed to buy a frozen turkey, as it doesn't keep in the fridge. So me being the big ego guy I am with cooking meat, I refused to return it and decided to do a test turkey with my mom.

The test turkey:

Right before I head to my moms for the test turkey, I buy a frozen turkey and put in a pan in my fridge to defrost (5 full days to defrost). I head to my moms with the raw turkey and ingredients, and we start prepping the food. I learn about how she used to do this all the time, and how grandma would make the turkey, and how the house would smell so good. We put the turkey in oven, and I noticed there is no meat thermometer, turkey pin, or anything of the sort to tell internal temperature. I ask why this is, and my mom said this is how grandma did it so this is how you're going to learn. In my hesitation I agreed (was not until after the fuck up I learned Grandma used this giant silver temperature gauge to stick into the breasts and thighs of the turkey every hour) After 3hours of cooking and basting we needed to untent the turkey. (For those that don't known untenting is taking the foil off the turkey so it gets that nice brown and crispy skin.) About 40 mins later the turkey was done, and ready to rest. (at this point I didn't see my mom break out her own meat version of a meat temperature gauge, and she stuck it in the breasts/legs to make sure). My mom then asks me to carve the turkey, as she has no idea how. The golden rules of turkey carving my mom said were to have a sharp knife and a big fork to hold the turkey in place as it will move a lot. So I youtube a video and lets just say there was an attempt made, and I almost ruined the good turkey multiple times by having it slip off the cutting board (I caught it), cutting into the bones, not making good pieces, and well ripping the drumstick bone out but leaving the meat. I do say almost because you were able to eat around the bad parts, and it parts of it looked like shredded meat, and parts of it just looked there was an attempt. The meat and gravy were good though.

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Thanksgiving and The Dinner:

Here we are the day of the big day where I need to cook solo with out any supervision for this big meal. My wife goes out to the store to buy fresh ingredients, and I come home from the gym. Start cutting up everything, and now I am ready for the turkey. After 5 full days this thing was like an ice cube still, and I needed to learn how to defrost a turkey. So I googled a method by filling my sink with hot water and letting it run over the turkey. Then just let it sit there for 2 hours. After prepping all the ingredients, and the timer was up I took the turkey out of the water, tented it up, and put the bird in the oven. Now this process of cooking needed me to take the turkey out of the oven every 30-45 mins to baste the turkey so it would not dry out. To try and make life easier on my self I put a wireless temperature gauge inside one of the breasts, to let me know when it was actually done. With at least this done I would be able to have it nice and juicy by the time it comes out of the oven. After 3 hours of cooking and basting, I untent the turkey for the last 30 minutes. According to my thermometer I would need 1 hour so I called my mom to check in, and ask about it before put the turkey back in the oven. My mom said the thermometer was wrong, and I should just listen to her (thermometer was 100% correct, but more on that soon). I put the turkey back in the oven, and it took 1 hour instead of 30 mins to reach the temperature needed. Instead of brown and crispy parts were burnt... After letting the turkey rest I thought it was done, and ready to be wrapped up for transport. After following the directions of my mom on the turkey, and using my 1 meat probe on a breast I was confident at least the meat was ok. So I wrap up my now black and brown bird and head to my MIL's house.

We get to my MIL's house and I ask my Father in law (FIL) if he wants to carve a turkey and he says he does not know how, and I should do it. In my head I having flashbacks to the test turkey, and just hoping I don't mess up again. I ask my self to be excused so I can watch some more youtube videos on how to do this then return. My MIL asked if I was ready to carve, and I said yes. Please show me where the carving knifes are, and a carving fork. My MIL doesn't have a carving knife, and would not let me use her bread knife. I was given a chef's knife that was dull, and a serving fork to carve this turkey. My nerves know are at whits end, as I need to somehow cut this turkey with a dull knife, and a very small cutting board infront of everybody. I ask my MIL has a knife sharpener, and she brings out something from the 1970's (does not to well, but it allowed me to get a couple good cuts in). As I am carving the turkey I notice I am doing a decently well job at this, but as I started to get to the legs of the turkey and wings i notice how pink and bloodly it is. (after thinking about it a lot, the turkey was not thawed enough which resulted in an even cook). I Finish carving the breasts (perfectly cooked), wings (raw), legs (raw), thighs (raw), and put them on a try. My wife comes up to me at this moment of defeat and says nobody is going to remember how you ruined our first thanksgiving with your raw turkey. My MIL, FIL, and my wife's grandma start cracking up laughing and I am dieing inside. I ask if I can use the oven to attempt to salvage this mess of a meal. So my MIL puts in the legs, thighs, wings, and breasts for another 1 hour of cook time. During this cooking time we are just eating sides and her grandma decides she wants to go home with out any turkey. After the turkey comes out of the oven it looks dried out, and sad. Kind of like when you go to a food store and you see something that has been there to long. Now my MIL drives my wife's grandma home and comes back. Nobody wants to eat my sad turkey, but said my gravy was good, and I actually did a good job carving. The turkey breast that was store bought nobody really ate as it was covered in a sauce people didn't like. By this time in the meal nobody had turkey, sides were cold, and everybody was just cracking jokes at my expense.

After the jokes were done everybody at the sides, and dessert and were like wish we had some turkey. That would have went well with the stuffing, cranberry sauce, your gravy. So I buck up a bit and cut some pieces of this dried out meat to serve, and now nobody wants to eat it again, but they at least try it with the gravy and say how good the gravy is. After cleaning up and more jokes about my raw turkey it was time to head home.

TLDR:

Ruined thanksgiving by cooking a raw turkey, learning how to carve from a youtube video, and sending my wifes grandma home hungry.