Go ask your mom to take you. To be blunt, It's not an "apology" kind of thing. You don't say "oh sorry for dumping all this depression on you". Or, maybe you do, but it takes more than that.

You can explain better how you felt; if/when you apologize, explain that yes, you do see the world that way but it isn't by choice; you feel stuck in that rut, that life means nothing and you can't get out which only furthers that sense of helplessness.

Most importantly, one thing isn't hopeless, sad, or terrible for you and that is your mother. You didn't mean to hurt her, you blurted how terrible you felt in a big rush, she wasn't prepared- and nobody would be- and now she doesn't even know what to do.

She tried to help you, and from her view you slapped it out of her hand and crushed it under your foot. She can't actually do anything if you don't want the help. If they gave you medications, maybe you wouldn't take them anyways- or worse.

That being said, if you show her that she means something to you and that you genuinely want the help, because you don't want to hurt her like this, she'll probably take you.

She might get upset at you or angry at you but again, I think you can guess why. It wasn't about winning the argument and you know it, the basics of the situation was:

>"Hey, I think we need to go to a doctor's-"

>"Why should I? Life is bleak, nothing will change, it's all hopeless, we'll just die no matter what, I'm not doing shit."

>"......'

Would YOU want to help someone who threw your help into a shit puddle?? I don't think you would, but you did realize you fucked up and that's better than most people, just be prepared because I'm sure this will take a couple heart to heart discussions.

TL:DR: Go ask your mom to take you to the doctor. Show her you care, show her you realized how much you hurt her and hated it. This is a lot for her to process so it won't be super easy to heal or mend, but keep trying for both your sakes.