TIFU by trying to get back my vibrator

Submitted by troubled_stranger t3_yviug3 in tifu

I should clarify that i bought it somewhere around March this year. I have a lot of issues and trauma regarding sex and experiences with it so i thought itd help me figure some things out about myself as well as help my issues with it. At some point it felt like part of me and was a coping meanism because it helped so much with any overwhelming emotions i was experiencing. But anyways.

Yesterday, morning im pretty sure, my mom (40f) was searching through my stuff. I dont remember the reason, it was probably just to find some of my clothes to wear. While she was digging through my drawers, she found my vibrator and immediately started screaming about it. She kept yelling about how its a problem and im too young and questioned whether i was a virgin or not. Even after i repeatedly told her that i am she kept questioning and yelling at me about if she didnt go through my drawers she wouldnt have found it. Later on that day, she took it away. Her excuse was that i have no business with an adult toy, that im too young, and that i should be waiting until im 18 to do things like this knowing full well she was 15-16 when she was doing this. She also then told me that im not seeing the problem since im a child and walked away.

The same day she took it away and came back home from work, i felt really upset and like i was treated unfairly during this considering she didnt even ask me why i had it in the first place. As soon as i asked her what the problem was, because she didnt tell me in the beginning, she immediately started yelling the same excuses she said before. When she was done with the excuses, she yelled at me to go call my granny and let her see if she'll let me keep my vibrator.

At that point i just snapped and called her all the names i couldve possibly said, i told her i hate her and this family and that she was delusional and unreasonable for acting as if horomones dont exist and for saying i had to wait mine out until i was 18 because i was at least handling this in a healthy manner instead of immediately trying to find a person to try it with and stormed off into my room

There were more things said and done obviously from both her and my side until she eventually just called my granny who in turned called me and told me im going to be staying with her and grandpa for the week to have a talk about it. Right now im terrified of whats going to happen and exhausted at the thought of even having this talk, so im just laying down until i have to

TL;DR My mom found my vibrator and took it. When i tried to get it back she refused, called my granny, and went on with her evening when i got upset about it

EDIT :: For clarification, no i do not hate my mom just because of this. There were multiple events leading up to this and it all started even before i was in kindergarten. It wasnt until 3rd grade that i started to genuinely loathe everybody in this family since i was treated so horribly. (physical, mental, emotional abuse, etc)

Before i lashed out at her, i said i thought there was no problem with with since i wasnt doing these things with a person instead nor am i harming anyone by doing it. That only caused her to lash out more.

Using any logic/reason with this woman is useless because she'd only run loopholes, berate, and gaslight me constantly throughout the entire conversation. Ive tried it a lot before, it all ended with her yelling and invalidating me.

Please do not comment things like "guess your moms gonna have fun with that vibrator" it disgusts me to my core by the thought of her even touching anything of mine let alone using my vibrator.

This morning my mother said that she was getting involved within the conversation, however, im going to tell my granny that i will not have any conversation with my mom involved since id be uncomfortable with it and it was only supposed to me with me and her.

EDIT 2: My granny doesnt care about the vibrator at all thankfully. bad news is that i still have yo have a talk with my "mom" on saturday of this week. my granny will be there so i can say my piece but i highly doubt this is gonna fix any of my "mothers" behavior

Again with the "your mom might use the vibrator" please do not comment it. it makes me sick to my stomach even thinking that she used something that felt part of me let alone something that i used on myself first. Joke or not, it makes me severely uncomfortable and paranoid that she did.

Ill update you guys fully after the conversation happens and i get everything out to my "mother" without interruptions on her end. Thanks

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Comments

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Omega_DJ t1_iwenij9 wrote

Sorry to hear that. Be careful about posting such things on reddit though, especially since you're underage.

225

PM_ur_Rump t1_iwepk0l wrote

For some reason this reminded me of the scene in the movie Go where Sarah Polley drinks a beer in front of the weird knock-off Amway narc.

19

Squigglepig52 t1_iwgucri wrote

That Amway gag was so funny, though.

2

groupbrip t1_iwguzjz wrote

Confederated Products! A different company a different caliber of product!

3

mentat70 t1_iwexdfr wrote

Sheesh, no wonder you have issues and trauma with a mom like that. She has the emotional IQ of a 12 year old

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AcrobaticSource3 t1_iweuadw wrote

> probably just to find some of my clothes to wear

Do you and she wear the same size? And even if so a 40F is comfortable wearing the clothing style of a teenager?

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troubled_stranger OP t1_iwgogo3 wrote

We do, ive already asked her to stop wearing my clothes but she goes ahead to wear them anyways. Ive stopped trying to talk to her about boundaries since "kids dont have any" from her perspective. Hiding things are the only way to have any privacy really.

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ajm900 t1_iwgt9ml wrote

That sounds like abusive behavior to me, your belongings, your clothes, your space, aren't yours, they're hers; and honestly if your grandparents are worse and this doesn't stop, seriously consider contacting child protective services

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[deleted] t1_iwi6ngg wrote

[deleted]

1

ajm900 t1_iwiahqq wrote

I often forget that that the US system is different, in my country they will only take the kids away as a last resort, maybe it would have been better to say tell someone, like a school counsellor, idk, I generally have a low tolerance for behavior that I see has parallels to abuse because of the experiences myself and the people close to me have had, and my reactions to such behavior are more severe

Edit: oh dear the comment got deleted

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Fav0 t1_iwh30a7 wrote

get out of this fucked up household ejsus fuck

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I_Thot_So t1_iwgasic wrote

Do you think teenagers only wear outrageously trendy clothing? Or that moms in their 40’s can’t wear cool things? Or maybe she just wanted a tshirt.

Her mom is toxic AF, but she’s not elderly.

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missbeckford t1_iwgysis wrote

My mom does this too after she lost weight. I’m also in my teens and she had me in her late thirties. I really dislike it and I have a new lock to put on my door but I can’t find the electric screwdriver.

1

fohsupreme t1_iwir4gj wrote

Use a butter knife! (especially her favourite one)

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missbeckford t1_iwjf8tu wrote

Lmboo I don, I don't hate her; plus, we have more butter knives than any other utensils. I want to use the screwdriver because I have a bad cut on one of my thumbs and a lot of minor cuts from my exgama on my dominant hand (I don't pick them. It's just dry, and it will snow tonight)

I used to use pointy knives to do this when I was younger, but the work wasn't also good, and I would need to go over it.

2

fohsupreme t1_iwjo313 wrote

My wife has eczema too, that sucks.

Alright alright I'll let you use a screwdriver. Godspeed friend.

2

missbeckford t1_iwlqb9u wrote

Thanks I really appreciate that, especially since I can't spell to save my life. (my Grammarly keyboard fixed the word “especially” for me and it leaves Egzema alone)

2

OceanSupernova t1_iwepm9o wrote

Call her bluff and ask your granny if she thinks you're in the wrong when you talk to her, it might be hard but just explain it. The first paragraph you wrote here is all you really need when it comes to explaining your side of things. Even if your granny agrees that your mother is in the wrong though just leave it at that for a while, don't go straight to your mother saying granny thinks you're in the wrong because that will just throw more fuel on the fire and next thing all three of you are fighting.

With family stuff all you have to do is say what you need to and just give it time. Anything can be resolved, all you need is time.

If no one sees sense and your gran takes your mothers side I would just drop it rather than wasting your energy fighting them both. It was a really shitty thing for your mother to go through your stuff in the first place and I would just refocus your efforts into getting a lock for your bedroom door or at the very least a lock on your dresser. If your mother has a problem with this then explain to her how she invaded your privacy and made you feel guarded in a space which should be your own safe place.

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troubled_stranger OP t1_iwgoyfa wrote

Calling bluffs doesnt work on my mom, unfortunately. She only blows up more and with the way she acts when reason is provided and her problems have clear and understandable solutions im pretty sure shes a narcissist. Both savior and victim complex. Thankfully my hranny is a lot more reasonable so she should understand.

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ajm900 t1_iwgtm0c wrote

This advice is for dealing with a reasonable person, and ngl, OPs mum sounds like a bit of a narcissist and sounds like she sees OP as her property with no right to privacy

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Smirnus t1_iwetg95 wrote

Teens shouldn't expect any privacy while living with their parents. With that said, there's way more harmful behaviors than using a vibrator. I'm sure mom flashes back to all the decisions she made at that age and the regret she may have for those actions. Flipping out at her daughter may also push her further into decisions mom not agree with. Pregnancy, drug use, self harm would all scare me more than a bullet in my daughter's room.

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[deleted] t1_iwfedc5 wrote

Imagine thinking that masturbation and owning a sex toy are bad things, lmao.

Also, yikes at "Teens shouldn't expect any privacy while living with their parents". Boundaries must be established, for both parties. Everyone needs privacy and the comfort of their own space.

This is why everyone should legally have to go to therapy before having children, because holy shit this is an insane take.

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Parttime-Princess t1_iwfxvic wrote

It seriously keeps surprising me every time I see a post with a teen not allowed to have a freaking door for their bedroom. Like what. Privacy is a human right

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MakuNagetto t1_iwg7kpr wrote

Lazy (or possessive) parenting from unqualified people who probably don't know how to form healthy relationships.

Parenting ain't easy but most of us can reproduce. Society tells people having kids "is what you do", so they do.

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Smirnus t1_iwg7zhg wrote

Potentially contributing to why a teen could be involved in harmful behaviors in secret. But privacy isn't a right even for people independent of their parents.

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GoNoMu t1_iwgipaf wrote

Nono, it actually is lol

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Smirnus t1_iwgpn7n wrote

On paper, reality has more exceptions whether allowed by law or not.

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Smirnus t1_iwg7q1p wrote

Tell that to your government

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wraith1221 t1_iwgo5y4 wrote

Do you have a tinfoil hat?

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Smirnus t1_iwgpk15 wrote

Do you have kids?

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wraith1221 t1_iwgsl7f wrote

I’ve seen what parents like you are like go to therapy

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Smirnus t1_iwgza6t wrote

The only things you know about me, O.P. or O.P.'s mom are what are posted here, which may or may not be complete truth. You get a different perspective when you are responsible for others that don't have the same sense of responsibility.

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wraith1221 t1_iwh17ew wrote

Privacy is a human right regardless if the fbi/cia secretly watch they legally can’t do much with the info they gather from illegal surveillance anyway.

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DanT102 t1_iwfz5st wrote

Why is a teenager not entitled to privacy?

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MakuNagetto t1_iwg76m4 wrote

What a severely unhealthy way to see things.

Teenagers have a right to privacy. Have a think about how you shape a young person by making them feel like they're always being monitored. As if something as silly as an arbitrary legal age is the solution - a day before ain't cool, a day after is fine.

Another shitty thing in your POV is considering masturbation and healthy, responsible sexual habits as something bad. You should be modelling that shit for your child, not shaming them for it.

You may think you're being caring. You would 100% have the opposite effect on any teenager, for absolutely no good fucking reason.

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Smirnus t1_iwg90s9 wrote

Adults are always being monitored for good and bad. Privacy doesn't exist in the modern world. Everything we communicate electronically is subject to illegal spying that still continues even after Snowden's exposure.

Freaking out at your offspring at the discovery of anything unexpected isn't the move. Mom may be pissed because her child may be having more orgasms than she is. I'd be more concerned about finding pregnancy tests.

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MakuNagetto t1_iwgaitu wrote

>Adults are always being monitored for good and bad. Privacy doesn't exist in the modern world. Everything we communicate electronically is subject to illegal spying that still continues even after Snowden's exposure.

Are you seriously comparing one's digital footprint with whether or not a teenager has a right to privacy?

I'm not gonna keep arguing in good faith. That's some ridiculously fucked up whataboutism.

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TheRealPequod t1_iwggqyf wrote

Honestly, this fool is deranged and the lack of privacy they were given as a child shows

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Smirnus t1_iwgs69f wrote

Maybe your parents should have told you not to post nudes online with your face in them, but looking good bro.

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wegbauer t1_iwgv0u2 wrote

Pretending you found their nudes doesn't put you in a better light buddy

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Smirnus t1_iwgyw6w wrote

Pretend nothing. Click on someone's username, click on View Profile, click on comments, scroll down. Homie got in shape, makes his uncircumcised piece look bigger, good on him.

−1

wegbauer t1_iwh4ghh wrote

God I don't know what's more pathetic scrolling through someones full post history in search for something you can use against them, or thinking that their nudes would give you some leverage.

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MakuNagetto t1_iwhd0qw wrote

TIL: I have nudes on the internet and I should be ashamed of them (no I don't, and no I shouldn't).

I did not realise to what extent this man is damaged. The second insinuation is that he has a big peepee, so small peepees are inferior, therefore he's not inferior. Betcha he scrolled my posts to determine whether I'm male first.

If you have a look at other posts in the thread, he's trying to die on a lot of hills simultaneously. Even responded to another post of mine, LOL.

Holy shit, not what I expected when I first posted a few hours back. What a ride.

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Normalbike2 t1_iwiq1h5 wrote

Me finding the opposition’s nudes online when I’m losing an argument

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Smirnus t1_iwix12r wrote

Actually, checking someone's post/comment history can give you a sense of where they coming from. Now I've seen where he's cumming from.

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PeaceLoveNavi t1_iwh37ry wrote

You're fucking stupid. I don't even have the energy to tell you why, all the downvotes seem to be doing that well enough. Not to mention, if you ever have kids and treat them like that, they'll cut all contact with you as SOON as they're able to. You suck lmao

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jontheterrible t1_iwf2s0z wrote

I'm not looking forward to parenting teens because of these difficult situations but I am pretty certain your mother handled this incorrectly. She could have had a discussion with you and allowed you to explain. It seems like a much better alternative to having sex at your age and I'm surprised she didn't see it that way as well. Sorry you had to go through this. Find a better hiding spot for your next toy.

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[deleted] t1_iwfe4zl wrote

I'm... not sure what's difficult about this? Why not give proper sex education to your children and admit that they grow up and can have the same wants/needs as other people?

I don't see what's so wrong about a person who's in the middle of discovering their sexuality getting a dildo.

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jontheterrible t1_iwfffrc wrote

I wasn't necessarily referring to sex education, just dealing with teens, in general, can be difficult regardless of the topic.

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[deleted] t1_iwgch2e wrote

Sorry for going off on a rant, I completely misunderstood what you meant.

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ajm900 t1_iwgtroe wrote

It's outside of the mums control, therefore bad

0

AioliNo1327 t1_iwfxdbw wrote

Having had teenagers I would rather they use a vibrator to explore their body than fall pregnant or catch a disease

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reallybigleg t1_iwg761j wrote

There are a lot of difficult things about parenting teens (I imagine, I don't have kids yet *crosses fingers for kids pre-menopause....*) But I'm not sure this is one of them. Kids often start masturbating as very young children - toddler age, sometimes - and this is a normal thing for them to do. At that age, of course, it's not associated with sex for them, they've just found a body part that feels nice. Any decent parent explains privacy to a young child but does not shame them for being a human being and lets them get on with it.

Once your child has reached puberty, if you don't completely expect that your child is masturbating then I don't know what's wrong with you. Of course they are. If you come across their masturbation aid (regardless if it's a toy or porn) then just put it back where you found it and don't mention it!

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jontheterrible t1_iwh6kaj wrote

Yep, I don't disagree with you. However, I do have kids and I can tell you that no matter how good your intentions are and how much you'd like to communicate it doesn't always go as planned. They are emotional little people and awkward situations are difficult for them at times...even more so when they're teens. I have at least learned that the more respect you show them and let them make their own decisions (when appropriate) the better your relationship becomes.

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SHybrid t1_iwg7sy7 wrote

Well first of all your mum is a hypocrite, but this you already know. That's a bluff you can call. Having been in a similar situation back when I was living with my parents, I suggest this approach.

  1. try to tone it down instead of going nuclear. Be the mature one.
  2. play the "would you rather I had casual sex?" card. Worked for me. If I can satisfy my urges with a toy rather than a random guy from the club it's definitely better, she can't not agree. This works also for when the birth control talk comes around.
  3. buy another vibrator and hide it better. Also the shower jet is a great alternative, and they can't take that lmao
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troubled_stranger OP t1_iwgpd7y wrote

Not gonna lie, ive played both of those first two. With 1, i get way too worked up even a first few words in since she starts yelling and berating me so it doesnt work for long. With 2, i said it and the first time she ignored me and second she just repeated that im too young for these things.

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ajm900 t1_iwgu2kq wrote

She shouts because wrong, she is probably used to getting her way by shouting others into submission, because even if she's wrong if she's the most aggressive and you comply she feels like she's won

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SHybrid t1_iwhadmh wrote

Then your solution is probably to power through, hide better your future toys and find alternative solutions (e.g. the shower nozzle). You won't be there forever.

Also when you decide to go for the real thing, don't let the fear of your mother meddling stop you from buying condoms, birth control etc. Absolutely.

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Shadoxal t1_iwhztnq wrote

On that note be very careful with water pressure. I split my clit with the water pressure as a teen and it didn't heal back together, and now I'm incredibly sensitive from it. The glands come out. I wish I had known that was possible.

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whats-reddit17 t1_iwuj2wn wrote

Wtf. I'm curious how that goes over with your Dr. Also did you notice right away. (Mid session pain) or what? You dont have to answer but I am curious as I didn't know this was a thing either

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Shadoxal t1_iwuxdnp wrote

It was mid session for sure, and I felt it as soon as it happened. It felt like I sliced my clit off it hurt so bad.

I've honestly never mentioned it to my Dr. I do mention it to partners because if they suck on my clit too hard it can hurt. I forgot to mention it to someone I was hooking up with and the gland popped out and he stopped and looked up at me terrified but I was fine so he like slowly went back to it 🤣🤣

I've learned recently that apparently some women do this on purpose as a body mod 🤯.

I don't mind answering cause it should definitely be talked about. I've looked into it now that I'm older and I've found threads on other websites of girls going through the same thing and nobody ever knew it was a possibility, and are scared after the fact. I know I was. I never brought it up to my mother either.

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Far-Crazy66 t1_ix61h28 wrote

Okay that is INCREDIBLY rare tho, I feel like you’re trying to scare OP with your horror story, plenty of people use a shower head and do not have split clits glands shooting out of them..

PS what area do I have to move to in order to get your elite level of water pressure??

0

Shadoxal t1_ix62l6p wrote

Not trying to scare anyone... It's just good to know what's possible? If you go too hard with the pressure, it can harm you. If I had known that I would have been more careful. Never said don't do it, I said be careful. Idk why the negativity about that 🙄. And you can get higher pressure by covering part of the showerhead.

0

Steve_Austin_OSI t1_iwh6ao3 wrote

Just becasue someone is a hypocrite doesn't make them wrong.
Especially when we are talking about something someone did as a teen that that can reflect upon a decade later.

WHen I was 16, I stole a police car. It was running, the cop was nowhere to be seen, so I got in and drove off.
I was in the car for about 2 minutes before a freaked out, parked it and ran away.I would advice my children to not steal police cars.

Am I a hypocrite? yes.Am I wrong? no.

I've done a ton of things as a teen I would advise other teens not to do.

​

"That's a bluff you can call."

Do you think my kids could use my hypocrisy to some who get me to tell them it's ok to steal a police car?In fact, I'm concerned you don't know what the word "bluff" means.

​

" she can't not agree. "

She can not agree, and she can insist the daughter is tracked 24/7.

" buy another vibrator "

Don't antagonize the situation, do not do that.

​

" shower jet "
Yes, use something like that.

−5

SHybrid t1_iwh9ufp wrote

I have no words but lol. Are you even a parent? If yes I hope these are just some extreme examples to get a kick out of talking back to a random stranger, and not real parenting tips.

If I'm to go in detail...

Your police car theft example doesn't stand. Here's why. You were doing something illegal. OP is not, nor was OP's mom when she had a vibrator. On top of that, the ethical positions on using a sex Toy can be variable, while car theft Is inherently wrong. I can possibly imagine (with not little effort) that there may be some sort of reasons for a person to regret having used a vibrator, that doesn't justify OP's mother reaction and her way of ignoring the detail that she had a vibrator too, when called out. If She thinks she had good reasons to regret a completely legal and legitimate thing, she should rationally explain why she wouldn't suggest it to her daughter instead of going berserk.

'OP's mum can argue that she's watched 24/7'

How is that healthy?! Like... Wow. Amazing parenting there. Talk about not antagonizing the situation.

Which brings me to 'don't buy another vibrator'

If the things are so bad that OP can't get back her previous one, then she should definitely buy another. It's healthier than not have one and satisfy your needs elsewhere. And not all women can get off only by-hand or (alas) with the shower.

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ChaosNCandy t1_iwepn8l wrote

I'm sorry your going through that. Your mom should be relieved that you have that and aren't going out and getting it on with random people. Sex toys are a GODSEND I was way too embarrassed to buy my first one until I was out of the house. And if I would of known I would of gotten one a lot sooner (online ordering wasn't really a thing when I was growing up, and the sex shop was 18+) your mom sounds like mine was when I was younger.

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IanFoxOfficial t1_iwfvg5y wrote

You didn't FU. Your mom/Family did.

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Steve_Austin_OSI t1_iwh6n2z wrote

Yes they did. They shouldn't have lost their cool.

It's expected in a teen, but that doesn't change the fact they shouldn't have.

The mom FU as well.

It's not zero sum.

−3

morgy_choder t1_iwhqx92 wrote

no one should be expected to maintain their cool 100% of the time. if losing your cool is an appropriate emotional response to the situation, as it seems to be in this case, then it is not a fuck up.

1

the_knowing1 t1_iweo8l5 wrote

Hahaha oh god you're gonna get the talk from your grandparents.

They been freakin for decades before you were a thought.

And they have no filter.

Good luck.

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troubled_stranger OP t1_iwgrqtc wrote

Haha, thanks. I know my grandparents are more reasonable though so itll probably go better than with my mom

1

[deleted] t1_iwgvn3k wrote

I find it funny you mom is like “you’re not mature enough for this! Now hold on while I get my parents to parent you how I couldn’t in this situation”

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troubled_stranger OP t1_iwh3ql4 wrote

She admitted that my granny was the only one reasonable in this situation. I dont think she realized she said she was unreasonable indirectly.

2

BrotherM t1_iwf6wkq wrote

Man, your mom sounds like a bitch.

3

Rogaar t1_iwf8ior wrote

Sorry to hear this OP.

It really sounds like you mum didn't know how to handle the situation and went straight into nuclear mode. She could have taken the opportunity to sit down with you and discuss it. Could have been a bonding experience but instead it's created a divide.

If I were you in this situation, if my grandparents went straight into siding with my parent without asking my opinion / side of the story, I would probably just tell the grandparents that with all due respect, it's none of their business and that you don't want to talk about it with them.

Good luck and I hope things settle down for you. I think give it a few weeks and you mum will probably forget all about it.

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AholeBrock t1_iwgms88 wrote

Take her TV and hide it because you are afraid she might be mentally masterbating with fox news.

3

_TheNecromancer13 t1_iwfbyvv wrote

Tell your mom that by taking away your vibe she has forced you to turn to the local sex offender registry in order to satisfy your urges.

2

mszuch t1_iwgesdn wrote

Talk about traumatizing.

2

zyndelo t1_iwijv15 wrote

I can’t fathom how she feels she is in the right here. This is your personal business and she shouldn’t be meddling let alone berating you over it.

2

gladeye t1_iwfc32x wrote

You need to get out of there. Your mom is extremely insensitive and not healthy for you.

1

Express_Sail_4558 t1_iwg0bfj wrote

Don’t involve your granny - it’s not helping you and it cannot be a sane way to solve the problem. Either your granny will side with you and your mum will go crazy or she ll side with your mum and you ll think that no one loves you. I think it’s important to set boundaries and remind your mum it’s your body your choice. As mentioned before sex toys are safe/disease free and pregnancy risk free and you re mum should value your responsible approach to sex. Tell her that even if it doesn’t make her happy it’s a reality and it’s not by taking away your toy that she ll suppress your sexuality. I ll use this opportunity to discuss contraception as well. To be fired up this way it’s probably that your mum is afraid you ll make the same mistakes she did when she was your age. So maybe you could try to reassure her, may be tell her that your school is okay and it won’t impact it or that it’s a way for you to fight against anxiety related to sex for example. Somehow and unfortunate you ll have to be the adult here. Good luck.

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troubled_stranger OP t1_iwgq3bn wrote

Its not like i have a choice in the matter. My mom already called her and told her the entire situation plus more of what was said and done and im gonna stay at her house for the rest of the week as well as have a one on one talk with her about it. Probably more.

2

davidgrayPhotography t1_iwg28os wrote

My advice: Prepare to move out as soon as you can, and find some good supportive people to hang around with when you do. If she wants to scream at you for something like this, then you're better off keeping her at arms distance and dealing with her on your terms.

Good luck!

1

troubled_stranger OP t1_iwgregr wrote

Yeah ive already decided to cut her off and move out as soon as i can. My only trouble at the moment is finding a job since everything over here doesnt hire around my age at least for another year

2

Damerman t1_iwgisq7 wrote

Why would your mom involve your grand parents? Sounds like your mom got ahead of herself and didn’t really know how to handle the situation. She was uncomfortable with it and she had a knee jerk reaction. If u weren’t doing this, you would be doing more dangerous things to appease ur hormones.

1

troubled_stranger OP t1_iwhdlf7 wrote

She usually calls to tattle when things dont go her way so im not surprised. Plus i also said some concerning things involving my mental state. From her reactiom at the time, she didnt care at all and just called my granny to make sure i wasnt free from her control one way or another

1

lexim412 t1_iwgti3k wrote

Girl, I was young. Based on your grammar I would say north of 16 at least, and that is a good age, you were handling it the correct way and I think your mom is just spun because this is probably the first time she's seeing her baby girl as a sexual being (not in a weird way- just that you're becoming a woman and an aspect of that is that you're going to get sexual)

The situation could've been handled better on both ends with some proper effective communication, but just remember 1.) this too shall pass, 2.) it's not the end of the world. My mom and I fought like cats and fucking dogs, almost getting physical a time or two (I could never lay a hand on my mom), and we couldn't STAND each other (always loved each other though), and now we're best friends. Y'all just need time to cool off.

I know pride in a teenaged girl is a finicky thing, but after a few days at your grandmothers it might help the situation if you reached out first with an apology on how you reacted, and asked if she could give you the time to listen and let you explain your side of the story, and that you love her!

Everything is going to be okay!

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troubled_stranger OP t1_iwh3d4b wrote

I wouldnt say that. Behavior of hers has been present ever since i was 10, about a year before i got my period. Shes told me multiple times that she lives through me which isnt ideal because i dont live up to her expectations she wants me to live exactly like her and if i dont she throws a fit.

Ive tried to communicate with her on other matters before and she either mocks me, brings it up to humiliate me, or both. Afterwards she tries to "connect" with me saying that i dont have a good mother daughter relationship and even though she did upset me we're "family"

I dunno, this is really important to me ad a whole because i feel part of my self discovery was taken away from me. My granny reached out and told me it was gonna be a talk with just me and her about this so i know shes not mad and going to at least help me in this

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lexim412 t1_iwqt8lb wrote

Women man, I am so sorry to hear this. There's a couple old sayings that line up.

"Can't teach an old dog new tricks" I'm just going to assume you're 17, so she's been the boss for 17-18 years and what she's been saying has been going. Children don't have an opinion, and now that you're getting older and almost to the point of legal you are quickly approaching the age where she cannot control you anymore and that's where the "Save it for when you're 18" comes in... It's her last shred. My mom did this too.

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" You can try and try and try to be the adult and have a calm conversation and you can do everything right on your end, but that will never dictate her reaction. You still do it though because then it will show your Grandma how you're trying to take this seriously and your mom is acting more emotionally immature than you. Grandma will see it I promise because she already has her eye out for why her daughter acted this way over a vibrator... Be prepared to apologize for your actions too. You're not fully innocent and said a few things you shouldn't have, but be better than your mom and own up to your mistakes.

Good luck and update us!

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badforman t1_iwgus9o wrote

If you youtube'd the phone call with your Granny you would probably make enough for college.

1

death_resistant t1_iwgvgfe wrote

My daughter asked for one from her mother. Said she was having urges or feelings. We've been open and honest with her all along. Her mother's, my wife, spoke to me about it in private and we both agreed that it was fine and healthy and her mother went and purchased one for her. I can't imagine how many teen pregnancies could have been avoided by having open minded parents.

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blackjack11022 t1_iwgwm8o wrote

hopefully u get back... at this i get a thought did ur mom find out abt it before and she was finding it in the cupboard. and maybe she might use it?

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canpig9 t1_iwh1uvq wrote

So... Little known thing - people don't really grow up, they just get older.

Does that help explain her childish freakout?

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troubled_stranger OP t1_iwh475e wrote

Not really. Hers is more like a tantrum just 100x more destruction. She holds her power over me as a "parent" when i dont do what she wants me to. Tries to guilt trip me into having a mother daughter relationship with her after berating me, and more.

Ive just chalked it up to her being a narcissist with both a savior and victim complex since nothing else fits the descriptions of her freakouts

2

canpig9 t1_iwjrud7 wrote

Hm. That sounds so much worse.

My parents weren't nearly so bad, but I ended up daydreaming about moving back to Italy and just not talking to anyone in my family again until they'd passed.

Still kind of taking solace in the "knowledge" that one of me did that in some alternate timeline/universe thing...

It's kind of funny because trying to control other people drives us bonkers. So her continued failure to give You the autonomy You deserve is part of what keeps her stressed out and freaking out. It's a vicious tricycle!

Not ha ha funny. But a life lesson not learned yet funny.

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HawaiianSoopaman t1_iwh3ww2 wrote

This is an easy one. Your mother is an idiot. Talk to your grandmother sincerely and skip any insults. She might have some insight that can help you work through this. You are going through something that literally everyone on the planet has to come to grips with. Your mother is clearly not the helping type, so maybe your grandmother can help.

1

cccque t1_iwh4y5h wrote

Masturbating is perfectly normal for people. There is absolutely nothing detrimental about it. Your mother is being unreasonable, irrational. You're probably never going to get her to calm down.

I would continue doing your thing in private. Get another one and hide it better.

Fwiw her handling of this issue can cause issues now and down the road. I would highly recommend you see a counselor about it. If your mom won't let you see one, then when you turn 18 do it then.
When you're 18 move out and live your own life.

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GanacheWeak6896 t1_iwh7om6 wrote

You sound under age, you are your parents responsibility. Understand this statement as a whole. If your parents truly do suck, then speak to grandma about emancipation or adoption.
Otherwise it just sounds like strick parents and a lack of communication. Again, if you are underage, it could just be that your attitude is not conducive to their strick expectations. Step back from the situation and ask yourself if these actions are in your best interest (you placing yourself in a parents shoes). Anyways, take a breath and look at the situation from a different angle.

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troubled_stranger OP t1_iwh93z4 wrote

I promise, ive tried to communicate with her a bunch of times. She only hears what she wants to hear, takes it out of preportion, and gets even more unreasonable. My word about it is seen as "talking back" even though thats not the case at all.

With the emancipation and adoption thing, my entire family is very strong on "even if she did wrong you, shes still your mom so you have to respect that" and "adoption is not a choice when you have a mother thats trying."

Ive tried everything i can in this household, my mother isnt strict shes just extremely unreasonable even in a calm enviroment.

1

GanacheWeak6896 t1_iwhbtqk wrote

Ok so maybe try writing down your concerns. Try and keep them short and to the point. I feel.. I dream.. I hope.. I'm sorry.. this is a big one. If anything remorse may be felt by your mom. Even if you don't feel like apologizing, apologize for your outbursts and reactions. Make sure to highlight that your reactions caused by her actions placed you in a feeling of disgust, guilt and embarrassment for the discovery mentioned in your post.

Whatever you do, just remind yourself that there is no book on how to raise children and they are doing their best. I'm not there so I am hoping it is just a strick house as it sounds. Other from that, own your feelings and reach out to your mom in a way that provides distance or mediation, ie a letter while still at grandma's. Maybe even have her write with you or proof read it before sending to mom.

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sukuii t1_iwh8uqb wrote

Don't let your mom tell you shit. From the looks of it, you are the adult and she is the child in this situation. You did nothing wrong, and exploring your sexuality is normal and healthy behavior for a teenager. You even have the sense to do with an underlying motivation (working through some bad experiences), and isn't just monke horny motivated. Her behaving like this is more than likely to add to the negative experience than to solve it, and no parent should treat their children like this.

It sucks to say but there also isn't a whole lot you can do. Like your mom says you are still young, and mostly still dependant on your parent(s). The only advice I could give you is try to have an open and calm conversation, where you clearly relay your motivation and opinion on the matter. Getting angry or upset, no matter how right you are or feel, will only reinforce their idea that you are "just a kid", whereas calmy openly discussing it will show some maturity and thought about the whole thing.

Edit: a thought came up to me. Maybe a smart move would be to tell your granny that a SERIOUS boundary has been crossed by your mother, and concrete actions have to be taken. I'm not talking about punishment or revenge, but this dynamic between you and your mother has to change. It's not healthy for you to have to hide things for your mother, and it's not healthy for her to completely stomp over all her kids wishes and boundaries. Maybe suggesting a talk with a mediator or psychologist with you and your mom will show both her and her granny that you have reached a limit, and something HAS to change.

1

GanacheWeak6896 t1_iwhc496 wrote

Op is Underage. Be careful with your suggestions.

1

sukuii t1_iwhn9u0 wrote

Which is why I'm suggesting she involves a responsible 3rd party, either her grandmother, mediator or psychologist in case I didn't make that clear enough. I certainly don't wanna encourage OP to make decisions on her own

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Danifuzetea t1_iwhczku wrote

Tell her you can still use your own hands and ask if she’s going to chop them off too

1

avi________ t1_iwi4dvn wrote

Well, that is a narcissist mom you have, i do not know how to help since i am in a similar situation and i do not what to know either, just wait until you're 18 and move out ASAP

1

mrmike5157 t1_iwi6sq3 wrote

I think most of the posts here are pretty close. As the father of four kids who are now in their 20s, 30s and 40s I would have to say that feeling protective of your children is normal and perfectly okay, but when they’re becoming sexually aware and very possibly active, you need to have a dialogue about consequences and agree on how to keep them safe from those while acknowledging the fundamental change in dynamic, ie in exchange for honesty you are going to stay the fuck out of it… it’s going to happen, and you’re not going to stop it. Certainly masturbation is the beginning of the whole thing, and personally I think if it’s done behind a closed door with the appropriate cleanup, etc there’s no reason for a parent to get involved. My $.02

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Urbanredneck2 t1_iwg0gt0 wrote

Sounds like you both went nuclear instead of dialing it back. Neither of you is totally right or wrong. Try to start over.

0

troubled_stranger OP t1_iwlviku wrote

I only started yelling and getting upset when she immediately started yelling at me when i calmly asked what the problem with it was. Shes unreasonable and controlling. Starting over wont do any good

1

PsychologicalFan9269 t1_iwggi42 wrote

get another vibrator bro u have hormones and sexual fantasies too not just adults

0

RRoyale57 t1_iwgv6b0 wrote

Sounds like your mom is gonna have a fun week with her vibrator

−1

Steve_Austin_OSI t1_iwh528g wrote

Apologize to your mom for losing your cool.

You are both wrong in that regard.

You are under her care. She says no vibrator, then no vibrator. So cut your loss. It's not like she is withholding insulin.

'

I say this, becasue I am old and can reflect on the bigger long term picture. Long term relationship is really important.

Now, I'm going to address a common fallacy committed by young people..

" and that i should be waiting until im 18 to do things like this knowing full well she was 15-16 when she was doing this. She also then told me that im not seeing the problem since im a child and walked away. "

Yes, she may have done that when she was 15-16, but she is an adult now and can reflect on her actions.
You are at the tip of your life, without much experience at all.
She maybe be a hypocrite, but that doesn't make her wrong.

​

My dad smoked, but always told me and my brothers not to smoke.
Was he being hypocrite? yes. Was he wrong? no.

​

If I found one in my daughters room, I would just talking about safe use, expectations.
Remind of the risk of a sexual active teen. Meain have sex with another person.

Then ask if she needs the pill and condoms.

I only mention is, because a lot of people think my post comes from being a prude, and it does not.

−2

troubled_stranger OP t1_iwharim wrote

Even if i did lose my cool, i dont feel i should apologize for it as stuck up as that sounds. I tried to start off calm and she immediately responded to it by yelling which caused me to lash out in turn.

Just because its her word doesnt mean i should or have to follow it. Yes, i know, shes a parent with more experience with me within this field but i dont see the problem with it since 1. Its helping me figure myself out and 2. Im not doing it with a person and a healthy way to let out these feelings.

Even though i do see what youre saying, i dont see any harm of having one nor is there any harm in it as far as i understand. She doesnt see any of the situation reasonably nor will she try to. She goes off of assumptions shes made in her head and only sticks with them whether theyre true or not.

You can explain this to me in more detail if it seems like im not getting it. All im seeing here is that she lashed out at me first because of her irrationability of the situation as a whole even when i tried to explain it to her which caused me to lash out as well. If that makes sense

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ajm900 t1_iwic581 wrote

Masturbating is not the same as stealing a police car, nor is it bad for your health like smoking. When you describe the way you would approach the situation, why would you approach it like that? It sounds like the approach of a parent who loves their child and respects their right to bodily autonomy, but the response OP got from her mum was to act as if it's an abhorrent act to be controlled and stopped. Could you imagine doing that to your child and making them feel that way?

1

Chadians t1_iwgib2n wrote

so you hate your mom because she took away a sex toy while you are still a child living under her roof and under her rules and she is a good enough mother to let you be in her house AND she is feeding you and keeping you clothed but you hate her because she took away your sex you. Ok.

−7

troubled_stranger OP t1_iwgoa1v wrote

That is not the full story and please dont assume things about me and my family. There were many things that led up to me hating her completely and this was the incident where i finally snapped at her instead of bottling up emotions. She just wasnt meant to be a mother and shouldve probably worked past her own trauma first.

5

Chadians t1_iwgqwe3 wrote

oh ok i thought it was just that…

−1

AyeYoJames t1_iwgq2ks wrote

Wow... That's a weird way to look at it, letting her live in the house and feeding/clothing her are things she's entitled to get from her parents given that shes still a minor. If her parents didnt do those bare minimum things they would be awful people, that isnt some favor theyre doing her. She didn't choose to be born, her mom chose to have her, so acting like her mom is being generous in anyway for doing what is literally her job is ridiculous considering that's doing the bare minimum as a parent.

Obviously rules should be in place and not having boyfriends over or being alone with a boy in her room would be fair rules but this is not that. Saying your kid can't masturbate or freaking out like she describes in this post is just creepy and expecting to be in control of what she does with her own body when she's alone isn't normal.

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Theo446_Z t1_iwf9whd wrote

Not a big deal! Some day you will be laughing at this.

In my times we only need one hand and imagination. You should try that!

Saying you hate your mom and your family over this is overreacting. Do you really hate your entire family because you can't use a vibrator? Really? If not, just take it back and apologize.

About your grandmother involvement, just tell to your mom that your privacy is not for sharing with anyone, you both are mature enough to resolve this small issue.

Just forget about this, don't talk about it again with you mom.

Believe me, this thing it doesn't matter! Soon will be forgotten .

Good luck

−15

IanFoxOfficial t1_iwfvr8s wrote

euh. The mother invaded her privacy and went full blast because of a person being sexually active solo? And then called the grandparents to try to shame her further.

And all you say is "forget it"?

NO. That is NOT the answer. This family is just toxic.

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Xxandes t1_iwg6o5e wrote

Yes it is extremely toxic. If no one else in her family supports her at all it's sad to think about. Only thing I can think of at that point is get another one if possible and just hide it way better. I grew up in a toxic home so the thought of her having to do that sucks so much but there isn't any other options when the parents/family think sexual things and masturbation is "wrong" for her.

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troubled_stranger OP t1_iwgr0d9 wrote

Though i think differently on whether its a big deal or not. There are a lot of things outside of this that caused me to hate my family, especially my mom. The only people i feel safe enough to even go to or be near are 2 cousins.

Even though i wouldnt like to talk about this again, my mom'll definitely will to either use against me or try to humiliate me with.

Trust me, ive tried imagination and my hand before, it doesnt really work as much for me since i still dont know a lot. But ill work on it

2