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Disclaimer: I'm awful at writing, using proper grammar, paragraph structure, and spelling. I suffer from PTSD (like so many do) and trauma with relationships. Anxiety that knows no bounds, and very low self-esteem.

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Here we go..

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I started working for a company in my hometown in April of last year. The job required two people to manage both front office and property issues pretty much 7 days a week. I was only there for maybe a month working by myself with pretty much "fresh out of computer training" knowledge of how to do my job when I first met her (my roommate). Another employee had told me just a tiny bit of information about my new co worker prior to me meeting her that day for the first time. Needless to say, she has her own life, her own struggles (as we all do) and someone she has to also support, not just herself, and all this by herself. Of course learning this beforehand already made me respect her prior to even meeting her. The first day she worked with me I remember walking up to her desk when it was just us in the office. Told her how that she doesn't know me and that's fine, but it was important for me to let her know that I would never mess with your job. Expressed that I know how important our jobs are for the ones we both support ( I was\is supporting my elderly mother at the time), and that I was in no way going to go behind her back, or do anything that will mess this up or make her look bad in any way. Told her exactly that I have your back and that you can count on me or anything you need to make us successful.

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Fast forward a year and we've now worked together on multiple company properties in our area with great success and a whole lot of stress, but we've made it. In fact, we're fairly close as friends by this point in time. Tax season had rolled around earlier this year and I find out my tax refund will actually go from a few thousand dollars, to nearly $200 due to a stimulus check that I received the year before. That large amount of money was my ticket to trade in my current truck (it's old and in need of constant repair) and buy a newer one. Once I found out I was crushed. During a district meeting via Teams I had mentioned working from home (with same company) and that I was interested in learning more due to my current and future transportation issues. Reddit, this was a decision that nearly broke me. I never wanted to leave her. I liked her the moment she walked in our office that first day, but myself was going through an incredibly toxic relationship at the time that questioned by sanity time and time again. Again, the fact that I was currently into the relationship from hell (in terms of mental abuse) and the fact that she has enough on her plate as a single mom doing her very best, I was not going to do anything to upset her or in any way make her not trust me. We've built our entire relationship on trust from co workers to now roommates, I hold onto this dearly. She trusted me.. We were at the office one day having a random conversation. Somehow the topic got to "guy friends" and how pretty much all of her guy friends she couldn't trust anymore for a good simple reason, they fell in love with her. Once a guy friend tells her that it's pretty much over. Trust gone out of the window, the exact thing every relationship needs.. As I eventually parted from our store and even cried a little bit driving home that night, we kept in contact as much as we ever did. Pretty much from morning till bedtime we talked on the phone. Only time we stopped was when I started training for my new work from home job as of course one must pay attention in class when you're slow like me.

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A few weeks later my roommate (now working at our store by herself) also inquires about working from home. Immediately my day dreaming ass starts to vision how awesome it would be for us both to work from home seeing we both suffer greatly from anxiety, especially social anxiety. She talked about moving out of the apartment she was in on company property and getting a new one nearby. One of us mentioned how awesome it would be if we lived together! WE BOTH GOT EXCITED! I adored this idea and we promptly started budgeting and ending up going house shopping (renting not owning). We move in and everything is going great...

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Then I fuck up...

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Several months ago she had completed her training to work from home and was in a Teams meeting with a few other people. Shortly after that Teams meeting my roommate and I were talking and it happened. She mentioned one of our co workers was "Fine" (that slang word for attractive of course) and it hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, prior to all of this we've been friends, fairly close friends in fact as I'm sure that I stated above somewhere. That comment made my heart drop. I felt it, partly magnified by my PTSD and cheating relationship trauma. "Why should I care?" I thought, to my knowledge she's in no rush to get into any relationship and that's perfectly fine and always her choice. But, why did that comment hurt so much? I shortly realized why it hurt so much. I had feelings for her, strong feelings. Throughout our time together sometimes during a moment I'd imagine just kissing her immediately during a laugh or trying to hold her hand when she ever handed me anything. Day dreaming like the fool I am. Even on our couch in the living room the thought of cuddling with her sounds like the perfect evening/anytime..

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I started to break..my mind doing what it does best by telling myself that she has anyone in the world to pick from and that somebody probably isn't you. My head even goes so far as imagining things that probably aren't even happening, such as going to bed early to avoid/ getting away from me. Depression set in, ended up staying in my day multiple evenings just to avoid the possible truth. She'd even text me asking me if I was ok. How do you tell someone that you care about so very much, that means the literal world to me....that I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do... I fell in love with you. How do you tell her that? Especially, as I'm not a betting man but I'm sure she has no feelings like that whatsoever with me. She once told me that her plans for the future is simply "yeeting herself off a cliff" as a joke. I want her to stay, the thought that I'd live in this world without her terrifies me. I eventually apologized for my odd behavior (a few times now actually) as I was having a bad mental day or two. I ended up so desperate to vent to someone that I told another employee that we both know nearly everything. Even got embarrassed from that to the point where I haven't really spoken to that particular person much afterwards. Over the course of last few months that this started I've broken down a few times. Acted weird by either saying too little or not making eye contact (I'd stare into her eyes for as long as she let me). Lately more often we'll be on the couch watching tv and I'm just....quiet. Telling myself there's so many better looking and just better guys in general then me, why am I even thinking about something that will never happen. My mind is racing and jumping to a million conclusions, She's all that's on my mind and I feel like a damn creeper. I want to tell her so many things but all of it is just...its everything mentioned above.. I know we currently live together but if I tell her, there goes our trust (assuming its not gone by now) and on top of that...seeing a person with as much in common as we do have (it's A LOT).. The only way I can think of letting you know how badly I care, adore, and respect the person that this has all been about.. is that I look around in this world and all I see is awful. In nearly any direction you turn all you see or hear is bad news, threat of nuclear war, threat of being homeless and jobless...so many worries that from the time I was in my 20s( oddly enough was 20 years ago as well) and the last thing I ever wanted to do was bring a child into this awful, gross, and polluted world. But Reddit, I'd do it with her. I'll give her my dying breath if it were an option. I'd go through all the ups and downs of life with her, because I know we could do it and I know I'd never stop loving her/holding her for the rest of our lives. If my friend/roommate is in fact reading this, I'm sorry for being the way that I am. I'm sorry for breaking your trust. If you want me to leave, I'll understand completely and comply without incident.

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TL:DR summary

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I fell in love with my friend/roommate that I hold most dear to me.